No-contact

[MrsDThaskala]

Apologies for no details but know people on MN.

DH (and he is), is no-contact with his family. But he is also in the wrong. How do you cope with it? Wanting to be supportive as he's hurting, but he was in the wrong.

Why do you state he was in the wrong?. It’s his family, not yours and you need to respect his decision. Such decisions too are often made after a long period of reflection, it’s not often if at all a spur of the moment thing.

It is a long time of built up feelings. His choice to go no contact. Not theirs. He's right about so many things though. It affects him though, and in turn, affects our family, as he's sad and angry. Hard to move on. It's always there.

Would he consider seeing a therapist re the relationship with his parents?. There are also plenty of good online resources he could look at.

I feel upset for both sides. Our children don't understand.

I have mentioned it, but I don't think he'll go.

Support your H. You likely feel upset for both sides because you are both kind and empathetic but not all relatives are nice and kind. Some of them are actively abusive and your H has known them a lot longer than you have.

How old are the children?. Keep all explanations short and to the point. Do not keep going on about the loss of these people in their presence.

Thank you for responding and showing kindness. Children are young teens. But he was the one that kicked off. He didn't need to. I know he felt pushed, but he could have left it. I'm upset with him too, for putting us in this situation. But also feel for him as I know he is upset with them.

If you are struggling to cope, arrange counselling for yourself, in time, DH. As he's chosen to go no contact, there's likely a good reason. If he is reluctant for counselling, do it for yourself and encourage him.
There are great low cost Zoom counselling options these days.
Or if not willing, find good YouTube sources like Dr Ramani.

The grieving is inevitable in going no contact.

Forget who you think is in the wrong/right. Family dynamics are complex, especially if there are narcissistic and antagonistic personality types present.

With the teens I'd get expert advice on what to say. Or keep it brief, but diplomatically honest.

People need to treat toxic individuals as just that, toxic. And stop making excuses or justifying their behaviours. You wouldn't drink poison ☠️ so why spend time around poisonous people playing toxic games with you as their puppet. They're bad for your health, family members or not.

Thank you so much for replying. It all makes so much sense. I don't want to burden my family with this. But they say he's the toxic one. And although we are strong and have a good family life, I can see why they say that. It's so hard.

They have said some hurtful things. Like they know all the buttons to press. I, in turn, have said nothing. Which probably makes it worse for both sides. I can't stick up for him. But love my family and the life we have built.

there will be a way back from what he’s done - why not ask him if he wants you to help build some bridges

They say he's the toxic one. Is he? Is he toxic around you, the DC, his friends, colleagues. That will give you a better indication of who is toxic and who is not. If anyone from my DH's family told me (or went around telling others) that my DH was toxic I'd give them what for and put them at arms length, and support my partner. Unless he is in fact toxic, in which case why are you with him?

You mention a long time of built up feelings before going NC. You stating that he's in the wrong means he is unsupported and isolated from everyone. Even if you think he's wrong, put him first instead of trying to appease others. It's important to see things from both sides but his choice matters, you shouldn't be prioritising the wants and needs of the others while your partner is going through this.

It's possible that you are from a healthy family dynamic, and IME people like that simply do not understand these kinds of damaged family relationships. If your DH has decided to go NC this is a huge emotional upheaval for him, people do not cut family out of their lives for no reason and it can take years of being pushed until you can't take any more.

If he’s kicked off as a reaction to their behaviour then he’s totally entitled to do so. Maybe it was a ‘minor’ thing that finally snapped him but it may well have been that final straw for him. There’s a phrase ‘death by a thousand cuts’ and it could be he’s had years and years of their shit and finally said enough. Lost his cool. And now his reaction is ‘the problem’ even though they quite possibly drove him to that point? If any of that resonates then he’s dealing with a toxic family and it’s likely he’s not the problem

@MrsDThaskala some good advice above. Is he really the toxic one? You live with him, so you should know by now.
Not saying it's the case. But be wary of those claiming and finger pointing 'he's the toxic one', he may have just snapped after years of manipulation. Besides which narcissists and antagonistic personality types are experts in manipulation, projection and deflecting. Or maybe he's just had enough of being gaslit and guilt tripped?
No idea, as you've not given much info, which I understand.
If you'd like examples, check out Live Abuse Free on YouTube, there's an example of a narcissistic mother with NC children explained by the counsellor.
The more informed you are on the subject, the better it will hopefully be for you to understand.

Best wishes OP!

You are all so right.

I wish I stood up for him, but I'm not articulate in that way. It would also make things worse. I wish I could say things back.

@MrsDThaskala you absolutely shouldn’t get involved with the rows. The way you can support him is take his side when he talks to you. Listen to him. Don’t dismiss him or say ‘oh but xyz’ or ‘can’t you just X for the sake of keeping the peace’. I suspect he’s kept his mouth shut to keep the peace all of his life. Just stand by him, listen to him, take his lead on how to deal with this. This is his birth family and his experiences and the best you can do is to listen and let him know you’re a safe person for him. Always.

Exactly what I have been saying. Trying to make peace.
I can see how that looks unsupportive. The guilt is worse this time of year, and birthdays. We would have been together on Christmas Day. Now I'm not inviting them.

I think this has affected me more than I think. Of course it's affecting DH too. You've passed on good advice. I really appreciate that strangers are helping me dissect this. It's so much easier talking on MN than family sometimes.

completely agree with KaleQueen.

Don't be down on yourself OP. FWIW it took my DH years to suss out this kind of thing because he didn't grow up in a toxic household. DH also cannot stand conflict. So for a long time he'd say things like "you're as bad as each other" when I was distressed by my family's toxic stuff and he would explain and excuse my bully's behaviour to me as a minor thing that I shouldn't let bother me, rather than seeing it as years of death by 1000 cuts and something I wasn't participating in but was the target for. As a result I felt completely overlooked and that was massively isolating, it made it so much worse. But all my DH was doing was playing nice with my family because he loves me and wanted their approval, without knowing that a toxic family doesn't work like that.

DH's POV was probably similar to yours OP, he knew he loved me and defaulted to being on my 'side' so he didn't think he had to do anything more, and he is a friendly person who takes people at face value, when what we really needed was a show of unity, not just once but every single time. These people in your life whoever they are will not really grasp that they are only in your life at all because you're married to your DH, without him around you'd have nothing to do with them, etc.

Start by putting the other people into perspective in the context of your marriage and downgrade them and their wants/needs/feelings rather than giving them equal status to your DH. If you have a relationship with them make sure its via your DH with him leading (if that means no relationship at all that's how it needs to be) rather than being in touch with them independent of him. If they contact you, refer them back to DH and do not engage. Especially do not let them tell you unkind things about him, when that happens calmly tell them to stop and then leave/hang up. Your DH will see that and find comfort & strength in your support, and hopefully these others will also see it and adjust their behaviour without you barely saying a word. Not everything is solved by clapping back, often doing so makes matters worse, so don't fret about putting them straight or the need to stand up to someone, when an arched eyebrow and removing yourself from their orbit will do the job.

You are amazing and speak so many truths. Its a great comfort reading this advice. BUT I FEEL GUILTY! I know sister will be alone this Christmas. And arranging other family things without them hits me deep in the stomach. No family is perfect. But it's what he wants.

I am just wondering - can you reflect to yourself why you might feel guilty? About excluding his family? Write down what exactly it is that’s making you feel like you should be somehow responsible for other people? For example why are you responsible for his sisters Christmas plans?

It might reveal a lot (and you might be surprised what you learn). Good luck you sound like a lovely caring person.
ps @herownworstenemy i used to get the ‘you’re both as bad as each other’ and it’s the worst thing.

How are you all so wise? I'm in awe.

@MrsDThaskala bitter experience, years of expensive therapy 😂

One more from me. I'm not coping. Another night of waking up in the middle of the night. Panic. I know he is too. Same thing. Not sleeping through. I want to tell him to make contact just to ease our resentment. It's clearly not making us happy either. Don't know what to do!

Don't you have family of your own? Is that why you are so invested in his?

I don't think you should ask him to restart contact for the sake of how it's making you feel. You need to support his decision.

Try to make the best of a small Christmas, and leave his family crisis up to him.

I do have family. I don't want to burden them with my feeling, as they'll feel as I do. They will think it's best to make contact. As you have all rightly said, I/we didn't grow up with him, like this, so it's hard to understand. We are people pleasers too. I'm learning it's not possible. I'm only asking about myself, because I feel I can't mention this to DH. I don't want to upset him, and as advised before, I want to support his decision. It's making me feel ill trying to get through supporting him, and dealing with my own emotions.