Helpful advice needed please

[SameOld1]

I’m reaching out for some advice as I’m currently struggling to figure things out. I’m 44, overweight, and slightly depressed. I have a good job, although I’m on secondment, which is ending soon. I have an 11-year-old child who is the apple of my eye. I’m doing my best to provide for my family, but money is always tight. Unexpected expenses, like a leaking roof and a broken oven, are draining all my cash.
My partner lives with me. He’s a good dad but not much else. I pay for the food, the mortgage, holidays, and all the bills. He pays for the TV license, Internet, and Virgin TV box. He has his own house, which he rents out, as well as a private pension, but he doesn’t work. He spends his time going to the gym, playing walking football, and meeting friends several times a week.
We don’t have sex or even cuddle. He’s impotent and refuses to do anything about it. I’ve asked him to leave several times, but he either turns it into a joke or becomes aggressive.
I’d love to meet someone and fall in love again, but I’m scared of rejection. I also have vitiligo, which is on parts of my body that are hidden by clothes, but it still causes me some anxiety.
I don’t know what to do. I just want to be happy, but I don’t know how to make the right choices.

Get rid of your 'partner' - and mean it. He's no partner; he's a dead loss.

He's not a good dad; he's a cocklodger.

Money will be less tight when he's buggered off.

I’ve asked him to leave several times, but he either turns it into a joke or becomes aggressive

Do you need some kind of assistance from the police and/or friends with getting him out your house safely then? Are you afraid for your safety?

Is he your daughters father?
Either way it’s very sad you’re living like this.
He’s building his savings while draining your money and enjoying his leisure time. And more significantly it sounds as if he has no respect or love for you at all.

You say you are afraid of rejection but your current partner is rejecting you every day by not being a good partner to you. It sounds as though you will have to be pretty direct with him to get him to leave but sometimes that's what's needed.

It's frankly far better to be on your own with your son than to continue this way. When I made my exDH leave I was amazed at how much better I felt once that negative drain on my life was gone. You won't regret it!

How is it possible you allow a man to live rent free with you while he rakes in rent etc and doesn’t work? The only things he pays for are the entertainment systems he uses while sitting on his arse all day.

I can’t get my head round it. Does it happen bit by bit?

Is it your house? If so, get him out of your home. Change the locks when he’s out one day. Pack his bags. Text him that he needs to come and get his stuff. Get friends to be there when he arrives. Be ready to call the police if he starts kicking off.

If you joint own the house, get some legal advice on how to buy him out etc.

if you can - right now, forget about the worry of meeting someone else, falling in love, rejection, whatever: it sounds like being alone would be better than being with him.
He’s just taking, and giving nothing.
Get rid. Be ready for the nastiness when you tell him to go, now you know what to expect so be brave and just fuck him off.

What is stopping you from packing up his stuff and changing the locks?

This is really a depressing situation OP. Please have more self respect and do what you need to do to rid yourself of this slug. It’s a very grim situation.

No affection shown to you at all, and zero desire to overcome the impotency? My cynical feeling is he’s not really impotent at all. I knew of a man like this. He allowed his ‘partner’ to work long hours, come home exhausted, sort out dinner, and meanwhile he did everything to avoid her. Instead he favoured p*rn. I’m not suggesting that truly impotent men don’t exist, of course they do. But it doesn’t sound like he’s one of them.

As for your concerns about vitiligo, I have something of a similar nature and it also gave me a lot of anxiety. Turns out most men really don’t care. Any that do, weed them out.

How is he a good Dad?
By engaging with his child?
Of course.
He has the time and energy considering he doesn't work, doesn't do any housework, has free holidays and leeches off his child's mother for all the rest aswell.

Fabulous Dad 🤨

Get all locks changed whilst he's out

Whilst the locks are being changed pack his stuff up and put it outside

When he comes home, keep the doors and windows locked and tell him to leave

If he becomes aggressive, call the Police

He pays for the TV license, Internet, and Virgin TV box

Organise for these to be transferred into your name or start new contracts

I’m 44, overweight, and slightly depressed

I'm not sure if you want advice re the above, but there's loads of help on MN 🥰

I imagine that once the slug man has gone, your depression will lift

I agree he needs to go. It’s suiting him to stay in your house rent free, you are getting nothin, except health damage from him.

It’s very clear what the problem is. You can do it!!

Sometimes It hard to see the wood from the trees when you’ve been gradually ground down from a situation @SameOld1. But it’s quite clear to the rest of us the cause and cure of your problem. Step back and try and look at your life as if you were just an observer. It’s not right the way he’s taking from you and keeping for himself.
Your body knows it, hence you’re depressed and overweight. Your brain is overwriting what your body knows is true because you’re ground down and haven’t the energy to change things as it’s spent on keeping things afloat.
If you can find the strength to kick him out you may find the energy you’re using on him and working him out, goes on you and making your life happier.

Get rid of him and then embark on a health and fitness regime. Being overweight will make you feel rubbish mentally and physically.

What a selfish loser.
Get rid of him.
Co parent with him and move on with your life.
What a waster you have as a role model for your child.

You know she’s right. You’ll not start to feel better about yourself or making your life better, until you get rid of the toxic sponge.

Thank you all for getting back to me promptly. I literally cried while reading all the messages. Now, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to take some action. I am looking for a non-traumatic exit where my partner will leave without causing any drama for me or my child.
Luckily, I own my house, so I don’t need to go to court for a share or support. I am torn about whether to go to a mediation service, where someone else could explain to him that the best option would be to part, support each other in childcare, and ensure he can see the child—without going into too much detail and finger pointing etc. My child’s mental health is my priority.
I suffered seriously as a child when I witnessed my dad raising his hand to my mother, a period of no money in the house, and fear of the unknown. This is something I remember too well. At the time, all I wished for was for my mum and dad to be happy. I didn’t care about money or anything else; I just wanted the arguing to stop and to feel like we were a normal family.
My younger sister had numerous counseling sessions to help her overcome childhood trauma and rebuild herself. I would greatly appreciate further advice on how to separate from someone and what services could assist me in this process.
Once again, thank you for your suggestions.

Can I suggest you don’t even try to have the conversations right now. The one that matters is about him leaving - and once he realises it’s for real, he’ll probably be a bit angry and confused and certainly not in a good space to have any further discussions. At this stage it should be about when he goes- that he can have access if he wants - and that you can sort the details once he’s settled in his own place. It shouldn’t take him long to get his lodgers out if he needs to move back, and he’s always got other options in the meantime. The first bit may be the toughest, sending hugs and strength

Give him fair notice so that he can tell his tenants that he needs his house back, that is being reasonable. In fact I'd start off with, matter of factly, asking him how much notice does he need to give his tenants to move out so he can move back it? It will be in the contract agreement. When he moves out, you will be entitled to 25% Council tax reduction which on its own is probably more than he pays for monthly, and your fuel bills will be less without him being at home so much.
Could be difficult to get cm off him if not working, but he might change that when he moves back to his rather than freeloading off you.

I have vitiligo, I have one spot of skin colour left on each middle knuckle and a big white patch has started around my left ear to my jaw line. I am dreading my face looking piebald while the pigment disappears. It’s not even though I have a decent skin colour to start with , just progressing from freshly dug up leek to cave dweller. Both my feet look like they’ve been underwater for a looong time and scorch in five minutes should I be so bold as to where sandals. I hear you.
To the people that matter the vitiligo won’t matter.
That twat living with you, he’ll make a fuss but probably won’t be bothered to carry it on for too long. He’s a lazy so and so after all, so he’ll soon settle into his new/old routine in his own house, and you will have room to breathe. Give him notice and on his eviction day get some mates round and help him out. Then you can all have dinner and a glass of wine. 🍷

I have no idea why my message is attached to pp. Apologies.

OP has already given him plenty of warning. He's laughed her off or threatened her.

I think that you can't necessarily ensure that there's no drama. He might cause drama. That's not your fault

The most important thing is to get him out, change the locks, tell him It's over

I wouldn't wait for him to give his tenants notice because he then has time to become aggressive in your home

If you think that your child would benefit from counselling, that's something you could organise or see the GP about

@Opentooffers he has an income from his pension, so CM will be based on this. Probably the last thing to be concerned about right now though.

Hi Op You are making the right decision when you say that you to end this situation.
Quite simply he has to go he has been using you as a sponge and now is a good time as any for him to go.
I would not bother about counselling it has gone beyond that.
Good luck.