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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU- Boundary pushing

37 replies

Melocoton · 15/12/2024 22:48

Boyfriend of two years going through messy divorce, my own divorce finalised earlier this year. We got on brilliiantly and after horrid exH I finally thought he was the real thing. The problem is his increasing ultimatums around my kids. They are 15 and 14 and the situation with their Dad when they are there half time is not great as there is a new partner and child.
There was a huge row in summer when I was due to go away with bf for weekend but had to pull out as their Dad was away and kids did not want to go to friends. BF was fuming and I ended up having to go on another expensive weekend awat with him to placate. He had invited himself for Christmas this year but I had to tell him last week that on Christmas Day my kids want to spend it with just me in our new home. I get BF is upset about this but he has now ended it with me and will not understand my predicament of trying to give the kids what they want this Christmas after a really shaky couple of years. His kids dont even lnow I exist. I am struggling with guilt of him spending a day alone Vs a real belief that I have to be with my kids alone as per their wishes. WWYD? kIds dont dislike him but he is very loud and full on and they just want a calm day. He was invited for the lead up but says he is too angry with me.

OP posts:
HousedInMySoul · 15/12/2024 22:50

He sounds horrible and has no respect for your children or for your responsibilities as a mum. You're well rid.

Autumnblackberries · 15/12/2024 22:50

Sounds like you've been settling for a bad option.
He sounds vile

Scarydinosaurs · 15/12/2024 22:50

Absolutely do not listen to him. Follow your instincts and prioritise your children. He is being v v unreasonable.

It’s good he has ended it. Gives you the headspace to look after your family.

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2024 22:51

Auch, bin him off.

Realistically though op you set yourself up for this bu rushing into a new relationship after your ex.

Dunno what you were thinking there.

comedycentral · 15/12/2024 22:51

He's not the one OP, throw him back. Kids come first.

LeavesOnTrees · 15/12/2024 22:52

Deary me, what a mess. Your poor children.

Yes spend the day with them and stop trying to placate this awful sounding man..

SunflowerTed · 15/12/2024 22:54

If you’ve been together two years then I can’t see the problem of your kids compromising. You’re allowed a relationship and happiness so I think letting your kids decide to exclude him is unkind. I can see why he’s pissed off

Yankadoodledoo · 15/12/2024 22:55

He had invited himself for Christmas this year

What a cheeky bastard. So if you don’t let him intrude into your home and family on Christmas Day he’ll split up with you.

Righto then. Off he fucks.

Kandyfloss10 · 15/12/2024 22:56

Kids need to come first! Glad he ended it.

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2024 22:58

SunflowerTed · 15/12/2024 22:54

If you’ve been together two years then I can’t see the problem of your kids compromising. You’re allowed a relationship and happiness so I think letting your kids decide to exclude him is unkind. I can see why he’s pissed off

To be fair though, its just one day that she wants to make about her and her kids family time. Surely HE can compromise. See her on Christmas eve instead.

My guess is he had himself set on her cooking Christmas Dinner for him.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 15/12/2024 23:00

Boundary pushing won't get better.

Enjoy your Christmas and rest of your life without the wanker.

RacingThoughts111 · 15/12/2024 23:09

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2024 22:51

Auch, bin him off.

Realistically though op you set yourself up for this bu rushing into a new relationship after your ex.

Dunno what you were thinking there.

Lots of people rush into a relationship after ending a relationship. Not saying it's right for them, but lots of people do it

Dunno what you were thinking there

Just no need for that last comment was there

RacingThoughts111 · 15/12/2024 23:10

I suspect he will be back in touch soon, willing to "give you another chance" as long as you go along with his demands

Dont let him

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2024 23:12

Sorry. His kids don't know you exist but he wants to force your kids to spend Christmas with him.

Fuck him right off.

Melocoton · 15/12/2024 23:17

Thanks everyone, I am gutted he has to be like this but, when i think of it, he pushed on lots of things especially his , errrm, bedroom tastes!

OP posts:
RacingThoughts111 · 15/12/2024 23:19

Melocoton · 15/12/2024 23:17

Thanks everyone, I am gutted he has to be like this but, when i think of it, he pushed on lots of things especially his , errrm, bedroom tastes!

The less time you spend with him the more you'll end up of thinking of several things hes pushed your boundaries with,

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2024 23:20

You've never met his DC after 2 years but he already resents your sons coming first even for three days. Your last relationship was with an abusive man, this one already has some controlling traits Op, him leaving you could be a blessing in disguise

slightlydistrac · 15/12/2024 23:26

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Someone who is 'fuming' with you when you have to put your kids first is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

MorphandMindy · 15/12/2024 23:39

"kIds dont dislike him but he is very loud and full on and they just want a calm day."

This actually sounds to me like they do dislike him, but they're too polite to say much and don't want to cause a fuss or upset you, or just haven't got the energy for more negativity, especially with the discomfort they're already feeling with their other parent right at this time. At the very least, they're telling you they don't feel comfortable with him around and can't relax in their home when he's there.

That should tell you all you need to know.

Shoezembagsforever · 15/12/2024 23:46

It's wonderful that you're prioritising your own children - stand firm and don't budge.

If he's a keeper he'll eventually accept this. If not then I don't think you've got a future with him.

Shoezembagsforever · 15/12/2024 23:47

MorphandMindy · 15/12/2024 23:39

"kIds dont dislike him but he is very loud and full on and they just want a calm day."

This actually sounds to me like they do dislike him, but they're too polite to say much and don't want to cause a fuss or upset you, or just haven't got the energy for more negativity, especially with the discomfort they're already feeling with their other parent right at this time. At the very least, they're telling you they don't feel comfortable with him around and can't relax in their home when he's there.

That should tell you all you need to know.

Actually this!!

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2024 00:09

RacingThoughts111 · 15/12/2024 23:09

Lots of people rush into a relationship after ending a relationship. Not saying it's right for them, but lots of people do it

Dunno what you were thinking there

Just no need for that last comment was there

She was with the guy a year before she even divorced though. And whilst he was still legally married also.

Maybe they were both separated longterm and the divorces took ages to come through tbf?
But realistically, it's never going to be good for the kids to rush into things with a new guy. It sounds like maybe that's what happened and only after the fact, now, when he's getting annoying for HER did op think 'oh this might not be fair on the kids'.

Sure, anyone can be swept up in things. Jump into different seeming relationships after bad marriages...but it still bares pointing out that thats maybe whats happened here. So op doesn't make a similar mistake again.

TipsyJoker · 16/12/2024 00:17

He sounds abusive. Have a read of this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

And maybe think about doing the freedom programme because you seem to be going from one abusive relationship to another. It will help you spot red flags early on and hopefully avoid another abusive relationship in the future.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I would block him if I were you. You need to prioritise your children and get away from this abusive man. The trash has taken itself out. Be very, very grateful. Don’t let him back in because he will try to hoover you back in again. Don’t.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Shoezembagsforever · 16/12/2024 01:52

@TipsyJoker "I would block him if I were you"

Get a grip...

BobbyBiscuits · 16/12/2024 01:56

What an arse. Who 'invites themselves' to other people's Christmas. If you were well suited you'd want to spend it together. I think you should split up with him. Your kids deserve to be prioritised. He can't just make demands on you and try and push your children out of the equation.

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