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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU- Boundary pushing

37 replies

Melocoton · 15/12/2024 22:48

Boyfriend of two years going through messy divorce, my own divorce finalised earlier this year. We got on brilliiantly and after horrid exH I finally thought he was the real thing. The problem is his increasing ultimatums around my kids. They are 15 and 14 and the situation with their Dad when they are there half time is not great as there is a new partner and child.
There was a huge row in summer when I was due to go away with bf for weekend but had to pull out as their Dad was away and kids did not want to go to friends. BF was fuming and I ended up having to go on another expensive weekend awat with him to placate. He had invited himself for Christmas this year but I had to tell him last week that on Christmas Day my kids want to spend it with just me in our new home. I get BF is upset about this but he has now ended it with me and will not understand my predicament of trying to give the kids what they want this Christmas after a really shaky couple of years. His kids dont even lnow I exist. I am struggling with guilt of him spending a day alone Vs a real belief that I have to be with my kids alone as per their wishes. WWYD? kIds dont dislike him but he is very loud and full on and they just want a calm day. He was invited for the lead up but says he is too angry with me.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 16/12/2024 07:35

Shoezembagsforever · 16/12/2024 01:52

@TipsyJoker "I would block him if I were you"

Get a grip...

What’s your problem? I didn’t realise you were the arbitrator of what was acceptable opinions. Fuck off.

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 09:32

He is an abusive prick.
Keep him the hell away from you and your children.

I would bet your children don't like him if you were honest with yourself.

Keep your children safe from him.

Lurkingandlearning · 16/12/2024 09:47

After 2 years his kids don’t know you exist…. he is outrageous to be making any comments about your relationship with your children and how you parent them. He certainly shouldn’t be expecting to be a part of your family life when you’re his dirty secret

millymoo1202 · 16/12/2024 09:53

You are well shot of him, sounds awful!

nightmarepickle2025 · 16/12/2024 10:05

He sounds horrible, don't go out with men who make you feel like shit, who sulk when they don't get their own way and who don't respect your time with your children!! Sounds like he's done you a favour and you need to be on your own for a while to get some perspective and self respect (I mean that kindly, honestly).

Epidote · 16/12/2024 10:05

Don't go back with him and have a peaceful and wonderful 2025 with your kids.
He is an arse.

Opentooffers · 16/12/2024 10:08

If its been an unstable couple of years as going through divorce, it could well be that you've got into a new relationship too soon after your last one ended. Be on your own for a while, there are signs that you need to take more time out, as it sounds like you've been poor at asserting your boundaries ( in the bedroom particularly- yuk!).
Being on your own will give you time to know what you want for yourself and help you to develop the strength to stand up for what you want, this guy clearly isn't it.

Lavenderblossoms · 16/12/2024 10:10

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2024 23:20

You've never met his DC after 2 years but he already resents your sons coming first even for three days. Your last relationship was with an abusive man, this one already has some controlling traits Op, him leaving you could be a blessing in disguise

I was thinking this. Might be worth checking out the freedom programme.

Meanwhile33 · 16/12/2024 10:20

“I am struggling with guilt of him spending a day alone Vs a real belief that I have to be with my kids alone as per their wishes.“

You’re not responsible for him, and you are responsible for them. There is no competition here. It’s also clear that your real belief that you should put them first comes from inside you and what you know is right, whereas the guilt comes from him and how he’s manipulated you into feeling sorry for him.

If you prioritising them and him not getting his own way results in him being angry and dumping you to try to get back control, then he’s made it clear he’s not a good man, he doesn’t care about any of you and he doesn’t deserve to be in your lives. You kids deserve a peaceful home at Christmas and all the time. He is a grown man with lots of options. Let him walk away and block him for good measure, and congratulate yourself for holding firm to what you know is right instead of letting a man manipulate you.

ItGhoul · 16/12/2024 10:47

kIds dont dislike him but he is very loud and full on and they just want a calm day

The fact that he is so loud and full-on that your teenage kids can't face the prospect of spending Christmas Day with him suggests that he is a complete bell-end. It sounds like 'loud and full-on' is probably a euphemism for overbearing / chaotic / pushy / self-centred / attention-seeking. He clearly wants everything his own way all the time and sounds utterly vile.

Honestly, there are so many red flags here. His kids don't even know you exist but he's pushing to spend Christmas Day with yours? Seriously, it's a good thing that he's ended it. You've dodged a bullet.

ItGhoul · 16/12/2024 11:01

Melocoton · 15/12/2024 23:17

Thanks everyone, I am gutted he has to be like this but, when i think of it, he pushed on lots of things especially his , errrm, bedroom tastes!

OP, I really think you need to read up on abusive relationships and boundaries in general, or get some counselling/therapy, if you went from one bad relationship to another bad relationship like this one straight away. This man sounds repulsive. He didn't respect your relationship with your own children, he takes over everything by being 'loud and full on' and he made (or at least tried to make) you do things in bed that you didn't like. Surely you can see this man was abusive?

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 11:21

Instead of struggling with guilt over him, switch it to guilt over havjng inflicted this nasty arse on your poor children.
They deserve better than this after a bitter divorce.

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