So I guess most of you will think im being unreasonable...

[Shhhh]

BUT I have to tell someone before I explode.
I have just had the biggest phone argument with dh...he's in the pub..............

I have had enough and told him over my dead bosy is he coming home, I have also assured him that I will speak to a professional tomorrow about divorce.... I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. .

It started with dh working away from home yesterday,no issues there YET today its his birthday and the first the DK's & I saw of him was at 5pm. Both sets of parents arrived to see him at about 6pm and tbh he was quite rude (poping off upstairs) and insisting that the dk's will be in bed bt 6.30pm...why....SO he can feck off to the pub. His mate collected him at 7pm and I have had no calls and a text at 10.20 saying "I love you but im stopping out".

He has ignored any calls from me and I managed to get hold of him on a mates phone (yeah yeah I know....).

So in a drunk state he tells me he's had enough and that his mate even commented that he's only seen him x2 in 4 months..So what..???
This is the same group of friends dh "calls names" on a daily basis, says they are chavs blah de dah so imo not "friends" iykwim...

Dh went away with the lads abroard x2 last year and has been out with them shed loads more than I ever get out (nights out no big deal to me..)

So all this from a guy who was out till 6am on friday/saturday with the lads..........

I don't mind him going out BUT what I hate is the fact that he becomes someone I don't love and who I no longer know or want to know.. One of his friends is suspected of an affair (quite apparent really) and I don't feel dh's behaviour is what is expected of a 32 yr old man and one that I should put up with for the rest of my days..

I have had it.

before I get jumped on that "he's a grown man and not over the hill at his age" etc....

We have different of opinions and I feel we are drifting apart. I though tie would change us both but sadly its not...He doesn't feel his behaviour is bad (well when he is drunk..yet when sober he is usually remorseful..) yet I don't see why I have to endure a life of dh going out till all hours..the dk's will soon be at an age where they will notice this with dh and also they will be at an age one day when im the one sat at home...alone....

Okay, I'm in. Let me just put some popcorn on.

One thing to consider for when he gets home (assuming he comes home tonight) - There is absolutely no point in fighting with someone who is utterly wasted. Wait until he's sober.

Oh cross post.

How long have you been feeling like this? And how many times a month does he stay out all night?

does he begin to realise how completely fecked off with him you are... i don't just mean right this minute, but generally?

TBH, I wouldn't put up with it. YANBU.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
I wouldn't be seen for dust in such a situatin.

sounds like he is being selfish. I would kill my hubby if he texted to say he wasnt coming home! where did he stay?
How old are your children?

He doesn't go out regular..in the last 4 months he's probably been out 3 times with the "lads" yet has stayed away in london with work so has been out living the high life there as well..

I know he is out till late when away from home and when he goes out here there is NEVER a time when he is home before 4am....6/7am is typical and yes I have told him each time and more besides about how much I hate him when he goes out.

Thing is the next day, he apologises, says he's wrong, how he hated that night, and he's not wanting to do it again... I am so weak I know....I am usually such a strong woman BUT on this subject I am stuck...

The dk's are 3 and 14 months....Im a sahm so I do everything for dh & the dk's.

dsc, I have told him NOT to come home tonight and if he does to bring a police escort...I am so angry and so annoyed.

YANBU. I would kill DH if he behaved like this.

Twice in the past he has gone out and stayed without telling me, I think he'd think very carefully before doing it again and that was before we were even married and had children!!! Don;t get me wrong, I have no problem with DH going out, and I never want him to ask my permission, I'm his wife not his mother, but he needs to let me know he's going out and whether its a quick drink or an all nighter - either is fine as long as I know.

Agree with Diva, don;t have a go tonight whilst he's drunk - waste of time, but you really do need to sort this out when he's sober and you've calmed down.

dsc, how long have I felt like this...? For the 11 years we have been togther . He has always been unreasonable as far as nights out go...never knows his limit etc.

Yet, I though he would chill slightly as we aged together....dh spent the 1st 7 months in/out of childrens hospital due to medical condition and more recently dh has been doing exams etc...BUT he has always been like this. Stressed or not....YET even stressed why should I have to contend with the lo's alone..?

But i know when he is sober he will be all apologetic blah de dah..... I talk to him and its honestly like talking to a wall..same conversation, same answers, same thing unresolved.

Oh, forgot..when I spoke to him earlier...he said I was being unreasonable and ott for going mad and wanting a divorece. . Honestly I will kill him...

Its his birthday today and he prferred to spend it in a (shit) pub with his mates than with me....something isn't right there is it...???? ..

Well if he's always been that way, I guess you can be pretty certain he will always be that way.

So what bothers you about him staying out? Do you think he's cheating?

Are you simply (and reasonably!) mad that he gets to do whatever he wants while you do not?

Are you mad at not being included?

If you can identify ways to make things fair in your heart and mind, you can fix this. If you're just angry at who he is (and who he's always been), then I don't know.

Does that make sense?

well i was with my exh from 19 to 42

he didnt seem to want to socialise with me

and i ended up lonely

and i got fed up with the 6 am next day stuff

and the whole weekend from sat am being a big binge
and not being allowed out to his places

and him never coming back to spend time with us

and when he did either being nasty or fallin g asleep

so if i had my time again i would have walked a lot sooner

rather than going through the i dont do divorce i just end up tryinbg to kil myself thing

thats makes sense zt and dsc..not sure what it is that makes me mad...maybe the lack of respect at coming in at such a bad hour and then complaining for the next week about how tired he is.

IMO, i go out as often as I feel I need and due to dh complaining life was borning we went out 2 weeks ago for a meal...dh and I home by 11pm....last week the day after dh's late night bender we went out..till 11pm...just seems that when with me he is home at a good hour and by his own request not mine..so why when with the lads does he says out longer..?

Oh I dunno about affairs,I guess I think he doesn't have time iykwim..work or home BUT when asked where he was till 6am he replied at a friends house (one of the lads came back with dh to stop at ours so I guess it was true) YET when asked if any women were there he replied no...his friends gf questioned his friend and he told her one of the lads gf was there..annoys me dh lied and when questioned said "oh but she doesn't count " Part of me is also annoyed that while I am home babysitting dh is lording it up with his mates and at times their gf's....

Okay, see if this resonates...

I know alcohol is supposed to be a depressant but I always think that I'm having the time of my life when I'm out with my friends. We gossip, tell jokes, trade exaggerated stories about our past, etc. We get to be a better, younger, more attractive version of ourselves for a few hours, I think.

Now while I love my DH to bits, he's not much of a drinker so when we go out we're very reasonable and the nights are not terribly memorable. We mostly talk about the baby, work, same stuff we would discuss at home.

It's not always like that but I do crave girls nights out.

Mix that together with (in his case) a bit of a peter pan complex, and maybe that's what's driving him?

thing is dsc, I have been a drinker in the past and when out with the girls I drink YET with dh its always me who drinks less..either coz Im driving (dh has only even drove and I have drunk once..) or its always me who ends up with the dk's in the night..This was proven last week when dh was to drunk to see to ds...

AND the friends he goes out with, he never has anything nice to say about them, moans about them and their gf's, calls them and in fact see's him on a higher level than them iykwim.
YET, when a night out is calling I seem to get dropped.." Oh im not going out"....30 mins before said night out "Oh I am off out, see ya"

These are the mates he's known since school and he regularly tells me how he is am much better person than them etc.
I also often ask him how they put up with him, he seems moody, ignorant and arogant.

Im off to bed as no doubt will be up early with the dk's...

Please keep posting message etc as I will check asap tomorrow......xx

If you want him to do something other than go out with his friends, then you have to make that 'something' reasonably appealing ie not just 'stay home, you're too old to go out, sit down and watch television like normal people do'. But if you have accepted him being this type of person for 11 years, it's not entirely unreasonable of him to think that this is just what your relationship is like: he goes out, you moan, nothing changes. Do you really want things to change? If so, what?

Well I can certainly see why you're annoyed.

The only thing for it is to leave him with the kids for the weekend.

I know you think he can't handle it but he'll just have to. Tell his parents and yours that they're not to help unless it's an emergency, and him losing his mind does not qualify.

The kids may eat nothing but cereal and the house might be a tip when its over but it will be worth it to see the glazed look of dispair on his face when you saunter in from the spa with a big, relaxed happy smile on your face. Hire a cleaner for the following day.

And tell him for every night he plays his game, you will play your game. It's only fair and he's taken the piss for far too long.

I lived you life for the 4 and a half years
me and xp were together.

I thought the all night benders would stop once ds was born, they did get less frequant, eg once every couple of months, but it was still too much.

He was the same full of regret the next day, feeling rough saying he will never do it again ect ect.

He even tried councelling....failed!!!

That was 4 months ago, and tbh i am so much better on my own, it's hard but so nice, knowing the fact that every couple of months or so i haven't got to go through the same old drunken behaviour, me suffering anxiety of he if was going to return that night or next morning, horrible!!!

Don't put up with it, if you forgive, he'll do it all over again!!!!

good luck

Message withdrawn

sorry about the lack of reply from me but things have not been good since I last posted.

Well, dh did come home...but thursday morning at 10am..
He claims he came home BUT I had put the key in the door to stop him getting in, yes I had done that but only because im so pissed off with his 5am home times.
He tried to come home on thursday at 5am and ended up staying at a local hotel.

All the blame has been heaped on me and im so annoyed that he put me in the position on thursday morning of me not knowing where he was, what he was doing until he decided to answer his mobile at 9.30am.

I had tried him at around 3am when I woke with ds but he ignored my calls and instead text me saying he was sorry but he was staying out..

Hi mother is aware of his actions and has told him she is disgusted with him and can't believe how he is behaving. Thing is he got home at 10am, showered and left for work. How he wasn't sacked I don't know.....He is a company director and this is bad...so bad..

So last night I went for a meal with my mum, he wasn't told where I was going and when I would be back..he didn't like it.

After bits of discussions (he won't talk) I now know he is very stressed with work, and there are issues around money. He feels drink gives him that break.

I now have to find out where to get from here.

Thanks for the support and advice so far x

I too went through something similar when my DC's were young. My DH seemed to prefer nights out with the lads more than being there for us. He would come in at all hours in different states. I used to get so upset and he just couldn't or wouldn't see where I was coming from.

I would stay awake with a mizture of rage and upset and sometime let him have it when he walked through the door. His excuse for not calling me was that he thought he may as well get the b*llocking when he got home rather than twice. He was really selfish and immature.

One time I decided that I would no longer let myself get so wound up and in the morning when he was coming to. I packed a bag and said I was off. He was shocked. Things got better and he became more considerate.

I'm not sure what happened to change things really, I guess he just grew up. When the kids were small I was only in my early 20's and DH was in his late 20's early 30's and sad to say I think it just took him longer to take responsibility. He was always a great dad but just an inconsiderate DH at times. Now the DD's are 12 & 14 and he is in his early 40's things are so much better. We go out together, he still goes out with his mates from time to time but will now call if he is going to be late and if he is late he means getting in around 1 or 2am - but this is rare.

I think what alse made it hard for him, (although not a justification) was that at the time his mates had no DC's or DW's. Now of course the DD's are older, we go out more often than his mates who now have young DC's.

There was no magic formular but we got through it. Last time I wrote a similar message I got some abuse for it but all I am trying to do is relay my experience just so you know your not the only one to go through it sadly. Sometimes you think everyone else has the perfect man/marriage but it's not true we all have our ups and downs.

Sorry for the essay!!! (blush)

You shouldn't have to put up with it, it's not fair on you or the kids, he sounds like an arse