Where to get counselling for DV while still in the relationship?

christmaslatte · 2024-12-15T17:35:17+00:00

My lovely friend is in a relationship with an extremely violent and controlling man. She knows she need to leave him, but she's stuck in the cycle of trying to get rid of him, then him worming his way back. He wears her down to the point she's just surviving day to day. She knows intellectually that she's coping by disassociating from what's going on, and just getting by. And that what she needs to do is leave him for good as he's ruining her life. But she doesn't feel ready to get a restraining order on him, or go in a refuge or anything like that right now. She says feel she could really do with some counselling, to help her understand why it's so hard to break away from him so she can change the pattern. But nothing seems to be available. She's in touch with the local DV service but they seem a bit hit and miss, and no 1-2-1 counselling is availabl through them. There's also a local service that offers counselling and group sessions, but only after you've left. She doesn't have the funds to pay privately - unless maybe it was heavily subsidised. Can anyone recommend a way she can find someone to talk to? It's awful seeing how unhappy he's making her. He's isolated her from most of her friends, and I'm really worried for her safety.

Cryingatthegym · 15/12/2024 18:29

It's not counselling as such but what about the Freedom Programme? Women's Aid should be able to signpost her to somewhere she can do that. I think it can be done online too.

In my city there's a Women's Centre that runs group therapy for DV survivors as well as means tested counselling sessions. Could she see if there's anything similar locally to her?

Edited to add: I'd also really recommend talking to her GP. Mine was an invaluable source of support when I was leaving my abusive relationship.

Youvebeenmuffled · 15/12/2024 18:31

Search IDVA services or domestic violence services in your area

gingerbreadd · 15/12/2024 18:32

Does she have a job? Some workplaces have something called an employee assistance programme that you can use to access private therapy for free. Employers are not told who used it or the reasons why - only how many people have used it.

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:39

Youvebeenmuffled · 15/12/2024 18:31

Search IDVA services or domestic violence services in your area

Our local DV service offers IDVAs but only if you have an active legal case ongoing. She's not yet ready to take that step, she needs some help getting there.

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:40

gingerbreadd · 15/12/2024 18:32

Does she have a job? Some workplaces have something called an employee assistance programme that you can use to access private therapy for free. Employers are not told who used it or the reasons why - only how many people have used it.

Yes, she does. I don't know if they offer this, but I'll definitely suggest it, thanks.

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leia24 · 15/12/2024 18:41

Counselling while still in the relationship will be very hard to come by. Has anyone done a domestic abuse risk assessment? Any recommendations are really useless without that and professionals need to make decisions based on risk.
Can't do freedom or gateway while still in the relationship will be very unusual and only in specific and controlled circumstances because it increases risk

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:43

Cryingatthegym · 15/12/2024 18:29

It's not counselling as such but what about the Freedom Programme? Women's Aid should be able to signpost her to somewhere she can do that. I think it can be done online too.

In my city there's a Women's Centre that runs group therapy for DV survivors as well as means tested counselling sessions. Could she see if there's anything similar locally to her?

Edited to add: I'd also really recommend talking to her GP. Mine was an invaluable source of support when I was leaving my abusive relationship.

Edited

I've sent her some Freedom Programme videos on YouTube previously, but don't you have to pay for do the course? Or have I misunderstood that?

There is a lovely place in our town that runs sessions for survivors, but it's only available once you've left, not while you're still in the relationship.

I don't know if she's spoken to her GP and I wouldn't have thought of it, I'll suggest it, thanks.

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:48

leia24 · 15/12/2024 18:41

Counselling while still in the relationship will be very hard to come by. Has anyone done a domestic abuse risk assessment? Any recommendations are really useless without that and professionals need to make decisions based on risk.
Can't do freedom or gateway while still in the relationship will be very unusual and only in specific and controlled circumstances because it increases risk

Yes, she's had all sorts of assessments from all sorts of agencies and I don't know the official terms but she's basically incredibly high risk.

She's in touch with our local DV service and other agencies, but what she says she really needs is someone to help talk it all through with, to help her make sense of why she keeps going back to him and to help her break the cycle. She knows intellectually what's going on, but on a day-to-day basis she can't seem to get away from him.

I just assumed the DV service would offer counselling but it doesn't.

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:50

leia24 · 15/12/2024 18:41

Counselling while still in the relationship will be very hard to come by. Has anyone done a domestic abuse risk assessment? Any recommendations are really useless without that and professionals need to make decisions based on risk.
Can't do freedom or gateway while still in the relationship will be very unusual and only in specific and controlled circumstances because it increases risk

@leia24 do you know why is counselling hard to come by while still in the relationship? Thanks

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1clavdivs · 15/12/2024 18:53

Most IDVA services don't offer counselling as they are charities funded by the local authority. There simply aren't the resources to pay for counsellors, and any service offering free counselling gets inundated. There might be a lucky few, but it won't be common.

The best way to access counselling is to self-refer via the NHS. They sometimes say they don't do counselling in DA cases and try to refer to IDVA services, but see above.

The reason a lot of IDVA services don't recommend things like the Freedom Programme until after the person has left the relationship, is because it can increase risk.

She might be able to call an IDVA service (or the National Helpline) and talk over the cycle of abuse etc. so she can understand a bit more about healthy relationships, but it wouldn't be counselling.

1clavdivs · 15/12/2024 18:57

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:50

@leia24 do you know why is counselling hard to come by while still in the relationship? Thanks

Show quote history

Free counselling is hard to come by, full stop. Generally someone will access counselling to help them with the aftermath of a traumatic situation; while they are in their situation usually their focus is on managing the situation, rather than moving on from it.

In my organisation we've tried to include people still in the relationship within our group work, and VERY QUICKLY found out why it's a terrible idea. The participants become angry when they learn about the techniques used or identify the toxic dynamics, and a couple of our participants left the group vowing to take the abuser to task. It just wasn't safe.

leia24 · 15/12/2024 18:58

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:50

@leia24 do you know why is counselling hard to come by while still in the relationship? Thanks

Show quote history

It's about risk. Say you reflect on something or realise something with the help of a professional...then go home and challenge your abuser or tell him you know what he's doing etc and then he kills you? Or he finds out you're talking to someone about the relationship etc? Also the focus is usually on support to leave first of all. Some DA services have counsellors attached but again very hard to get if wanting to remain in the relationship.
I assume she doesn't have children if she's high risk and still in the relationship with no professional to talk to? A domestic abuse service is usually the best bet and it might be that there's more one where you live. The council domestic abuse service where I am will work with people when they're still in the relationship, including the IDVA team who do much more than criminal proceedings work here.

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:58

1clavdivs · 15/12/2024 18:53

Most IDVA services don't offer counselling as they are charities funded by the local authority. There simply aren't the resources to pay for counsellors, and any service offering free counselling gets inundated. There might be a lucky few, but it won't be common.

The best way to access counselling is to self-refer via the NHS. They sometimes say they don't do counselling in DA cases and try to refer to IDVA services, but see above.

The reason a lot of IDVA services don't recommend things like the Freedom Programme until after the person has left the relationship, is because it can increase risk.

She might be able to call an IDVA service (or the National Helpline) and talk over the cycle of abuse etc. so she can understand a bit more about healthy relationships, but it wouldn't be counselling.

Thanks @1clavdivs. Please can I ask, why can doing the freedom programme increase risk?

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 18:59

Sorry ignore me, @leia24 has just answered that.

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Solent123 · 15/12/2024 19:01

Your local Mind if they offer counselling - sometimes they have charity funded places.

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 19:07

leia24 · 15/12/2024 18:58

It's about risk. Say you reflect on something or realise something with the help of a professional...then go home and challenge your abuser or tell him you know what he's doing etc and then he kills you? Or he finds out you're talking to someone about the relationship etc? Also the focus is usually on support to leave first of all. Some DA services have counsellors attached but again very hard to get if wanting to remain in the relationship.
I assume she doesn't have children if she's high risk and still in the relationship with no professional to talk to? A domestic abuse service is usually the best bet and it might be that there's more one where you live. The council domestic abuse service where I am will work with people when they're still in the relationship, including the IDVA team who do much more than criminal proceedings work here.

Show quote history

She has 3 DC, the two youngest are living with her ex now because of her relationship and one is away at university.

I'm not going to say much about them though as I don't want to say anything outing.

But suffice to say there are a load of professionals involved, but most to do with her DC. There's no one supporting her in this way.

She doesn't want to remain in the relationship. She wants help to understand how to leave, how to stop going back to him. She's scared of what he'll do. She's a intelligent capable woman but she's so overwhelmed by his abuse she doesn't know if she's coming or going.

The DV service is offering her support to get to a refuge or to report him to the police, but she needs help getting to that step. That's what she wants from counselling.

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 19:07

Solent123 · 15/12/2024 19:01

Your local Mind if they offer counselling - sometimes they have charity funded places.

Thanks, that's a good suggestion I'll pass it on

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emmax1980 · 15/12/2024 19:10

Try Refuge 0808 2000 247

emmax1980 · 15/12/2024 19:12

IDVA can help also there will be on in her area.

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 19:13

emmax1980 · 15/12/2024 19:12

IDVA can help also there will be on in her area.

Unfortunately not. My understanding is they'll only give her an IDVA once she starts legal action, and she's not ready yet.

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Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 19:14

emmax1980 · 15/12/2024 19:10

Try Refuge 0808 2000 247

I'll suggest it, thanks

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leia24 · 15/12/2024 19:45

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 19:07

She has 3 DC, the two youngest are living with her ex now because of her relationship and one is away at university.

I'm not going to say much about them though as I don't want to say anything outing.

But suffice to say there are a load of professionals involved, but most to do with her DC. There's no one supporting her in this way.

She doesn't want to remain in the relationship. She wants help to understand how to leave, how to stop going back to him. She's scared of what he'll do. She's a intelligent capable woman but she's so overwhelmed by his abuse she doesn't know if she's coming or going.

The DV service is offering her support to get to a refuge or to report him to the police, but she needs help getting to that step. That's what she wants from counselling.

Show quote history

Ah okay.
No one can do it for her unfortunately. She needs to be ready. If Refuge have a place then she needs to really consider accepting that as once she's taken that jump she will be safe and have all the support to stop her going back. Counselling might not give her what she thinks it will. Has she felt able to tell the domestic abuse service that she wants to leave but feels really stuck?

Cryingatthegym · 15/12/2024 19:54

The DV service is offering her support to get to a refuge or to report him to the police, but she needs help getting to that step. That's what she wants from counselling.

Does her GP have a social prescribing team? They won't be able to offer counselling but they might know how to signpost her to other avenues of support. They're also great just as a listening ear. Same with Women's Aid, they will listen and offer emotional and practical support if you call them. They might be best placed to talk her through making the scary leap to a refuge.

Others have made good points though about increased risk. If he finds out she's talking to people or seeking support to leave it could be very dangerous for her. Perhaps if you explained that to her it might help guide her towards a decision?

airingcupboards · 15/12/2024 21:01

1clavdivs · 15/12/2024 18:53

Most IDVA services don't offer counselling as they are charities funded by the local authority. There simply aren't the resources to pay for counsellors, and any service offering free counselling gets inundated. There might be a lucky few, but it won't be common.

The best way to access counselling is to self-refer via the NHS. They sometimes say they don't do counselling in DA cases and try to refer to IDVA services, but see above.

The reason a lot of IDVA services don't recommend things like the Freedom Programme until after the person has left the relationship, is because it can increase risk.

She might be able to call an IDVA service (or the National Helpline) and talk over the cycle of abuse etc. so she can understand a bit more about healthy relationships, but it wouldn't be counselling.

I agree about increased risk but just to say IDVAs in my local authority and neighbouring ones work for the local authority and not charities.

Original poster

christmaslatte · 15/12/2024 21:03

I think she's scared of what will happen if she goes into a refuge. She's mentioned lots of worries, like that he'll turn up angry at her sister's as he knows where she lives. She's worried about stuff like losing her house and her job. He knew where she works and she won't be able to pay her mortgage if she's not working.

What happens with your house and your job when you go into refuge, does anyone know?

Also, what happens if other family members are also at risk?

Thanks :)

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