Partner told me bad news

[Boardyj]

I have gone away for 3 days for a break I planned months ago. Yesterday my partner told me some news that has affected him and his family.

It has really got me down as yesterday was a special day planned to a place I enjoy and I feel he tainted it. He dropped this baggage on me knew about this on Friday. He could have told me late Friday evening but he was with his daughters in the day celebrating one of their birthdays.

I know it is important I listen to him which I would do. He told me the issue when I was at my special day out then says he won’t talk about it now as it is negative and I am to enjoy my day. I couldn’t really enjoy the day as much as I would after as it was draining and in my mind.

I know he needed to get it off his chest but I feel there was as an element of his week has been ruined so I am going to have a crap day too.

Perhaps he thought the OP, as an adult, could handle the news whereas his DD (who I assume is a child) couldn't.

Your attitude to this OP strikes me as somewhat flaky. Sorry, but it does.

This.
Did ruining your break change anything for him?
He unloaded on you and then left it with you.

Would a good partner do this to someone they care about?
I certainly wouldn't.

My friend is keeping a cancer diagnosis from her whole family until after Christmas because the whole family are gathering for Christmas and she doesn't want to make it about her, it won't change anything, and it would absolutely spoil the mood.

So yea, I think caring people think of others even at difficult times.@

It depends.

If news arrived while you were away and is serious, then You are being spoilt and self centred to be worried about your day being spoiled. Timing sucks but priority should be supporting your partner through terrible news.

If news is serious, but he knew before you were away, but landed it on your special day, then you are quite right to be frustrated, but probably delay confronting until the family crisis is over. People can get very emotional with bad news, go through denial, suddenly need to talk etc, and aren't at their best. But potential red flag that he is trying to spoil your day and make it all about him.

If the news is trivial, and he made a bigger deal than necessary landing it on your special day, when it could easily have waited or been told to you before, then this is definitely crappy behaviour from him. Don't be blackmailed into making everything about him and seriously consider getting rid of him.

If the+news required you to come back home, let’s say one of his parents died, then telling you whilst you were away is totally understandable.

If he could have waited for you to come back, then I think it was a crap thing to do. Esp as he could have just waited a few more hours to tell you in the evening

Seeing that you carried on with your day, AND he coped well wo telling you for the whole of Friday, I suspect it’s the second option.

He learnt the news on Friday and coped well wo telling the OP then.
But he choose to tell her whilst she was away when he could have waited a few hours and tell her in the evening.

It didn’t change anything for him apart from maybe offloading on her (and therefore allowing him to feel better?) whilst it spoiled everything for her.
Its not a caring attitude towards a partner really.
But rather a selfish one - his needs came first with no regards for the OP’s

Obviously it's up to your friend, but I'd never expect this of anyone. I'd want someone in her position to feel able to share if it would help them. I think lauding this as brave or thoughtful is not the way to go as it implies wanting to share this type of news is somehow selfish.

I also find this a strange approach to a special trip as a grown adult. If I treat myself to a trip away, I'm there to have a nice time but I know life is going on at home and I wouldn't expect to spend 3 days in a cocoon of good news only. That just doesn't feel like real life to me, it's like a type of Disneyfication.

I totally agree with you.

I feel like I’m massively missing something because I feel like OP is incredibly selfish.

What you’ve missed is that he didn’t learn that news on Saturday whilst the OP was out but the day before at least.
It wasn’t a brand new news.

To me the issue is that he told Op the news and now doesn’t want to discuss it

People on MN are weird. Calling him a narc, selfish, doing it deliberately etc with no idea what the news was.

Does he have terminal cancer? That would affect him and his family.

Has the family lost everything. Is he now destitute?

Has his mother died and he's very very upset?

If it was something like these things then the selfish one would be the OP only thinking about herself

If it's that uncle Patrick has a secret love child then it could have waited. But then that news wouldn't have upset the OP so presumably it's something really really terrible. Yet people in here think he's a monster for not holding it in.
Jeez

In any of those cases, like let’s say cancer, would you let your DW/dh go away for the day when you know about the news, to then ring them to tell them?
Or would you tell them straight away and at least face to face?

Why waiting for your DP to be away to let them know?
For me, this makes no sense at all. Because of it’s something really big like the examples you gave, then I either would want yo share the news (and get support). Or I’d wait until the end if the day (as one PP suggested) so the OP can enjoy her day.
But ringing and then leaving her with no way to ask for clarification (eg he has learnt he has cancer) or any idea of the consequences (eg will need to travel further funeral/help family member/whatever), sounds really cold to me,