Partner told me bad news

[Boardyj]

I have gone away for 3 days for a break I planned months ago. Yesterday my partner told me some news that has affected him and his family.

It has really got me down as yesterday was a special day planned to a place I enjoy and I feel he tainted it. He dropped this baggage on me knew about this on Friday. He could have told me late Friday evening but he was with his daughters in the day celebrating one of their birthdays.

I know it is important I listen to him which I would do. He told me the issue when I was at my special day out then says he won’t talk about it now as it is negative and I am to enjoy my day. I couldn’t really enjoy the day as much as I would after as it was draining and in my mind.

I know he needed to get it off his chest but I feel there was as an element of his week has been ruined so I am going to have a crap day too.

Well the news can't be that upsetting if he knew a few days ago but kept quiet so as not to spoil his time with his daughter during her birthday. How old are his dd's?

There wasn't any reason not to wait a few more days to tell you after you had your time away.

The fact that he brought it up during your moment of enjoyment and then refused to talk about it would suggest it was done deliberately and to cause distress. Otherwise there was no need to bring it up if he wasn't prepared to discuss it right then.

He's not too bright to tell you something upsetting and then not be willing to talk about it with you because it's upsetting 🤨

More information would be helpful. If DP’s father has terminal cancer, for example, and DP’s daughter is 6, then I would expect him to put on a brave face and have birthday dinner with her and make her feel special. I would also expect him to feel able to tell you as soon as possible and get some support without getting a wall of resentment because he is inconveniencing you. But I could be misreading the situation….

some of you are hard as nails

I'm not as nice a person as you. I think he knew exactly what he was doing when he dropped his news at the time hat he did.

Partner B has known this news since Friday but deliberately waited to tell OP several days later to put a downer on her special day. Dumped the bad news on her, then said "Now go and enjoy the day."

If it could wait a couple of days, it could have waited a day or two more.

Then he could have shared it on Friday.

I personally try and wait until the person is home to tell them the bad news.

But it depends on what it is and whether you will be affected or if he needs your support.

The general consensus on MN is that bad news should be shared with your partner at the time, so they can support you.
I’m often going against the grain when I say anything about waiting until someone gets home.

He had his daughters on the Friday and so it’s understandable him not saying it on that day.

It’s not “several days later”. He told her on Saturday. So he just didn’t tell her on Friday, while he was out with his daughter.

As someone else has shown in the terminal cancer example; there’s absolutely no way for us to say if that is unreasonable or not without knowing what the news was.

He didn't have the opportunity on Friday.

Should he have left his daughter on her birthday to phone the OP to give her the news?

how can anyone give an accurate opinion on this? There isn’t enough information.

If the news was someone had died/seriously ill/injured then you are being unreasonable to be annoyed.

He was with his daughters during the DAY but could have told OP in the evening.

During the DAY but not the evening.

Sorry, but if you're not interested in hearing about things that affect him, whether good or bad, he is not your partner, he's your boyfriend.

Granny died but don't let it ruin your weekend?

I think this is context dependant. If he is generally controlling and doesn't like you having fun without him I might be suspicious of the timing.

That said, if my DH got bad news and needed to process before speaking to me about it, I wouldn't begrudge him that at all. I certainly wouldn't think "wow, what about my special day?!".

Most people wouldn’t want to discuss something late in the evening.

And I don’t know how late the evening vs the next day makes much difference to whether it ruins OPs weekend or not.

In fact if he had told her on the Friday, then it would have been worse.

Telling her afterwards when she’s back/on the last day I understand but I don’t get the argument that it’s better to tell her earlier and therefore ‘ruin’ her holiday even more.

Regardless, they are partners and you should be able to have your partner for support when you need them.

I thought partner B told A on Saturday, because B had the kids on Friday.

Unless there’s a back story I’m really surprised that partner B is being labelled as narcissistic when partner A is complaining about the impact of someone else’s bad news on them.

(I’m assuming the bad news is serious illness or death related).

It's hard to say without knowing the context, but in general I would want my dp to share the bad news with me, even if it did put a dampener on things especially if he had been really affected by the news. I am surprised that he is being labelled a narcissist by some posters when we know so little about the situation.

Over this weekend particularly ,ive noticed there seems to be... a thing,particularly in the initial responses-that somehow absolutely seem to support the op being reasonable without further question -beyond that go fully judge, jury, executioner . AND add what isnt necessrily outwith realms of possibility BUT absolutely unfounded theorys.
Suppose -as ever its forum\takes all sorts - I have repeatedly found myself scroll back because get to that wouldrequire far more info.its kinda wow

@Boardyj . is partner with you n trip?

Perhaps he didn't say anything on Friday because he didn't want to ruin your holiday and intended at that point not to say anything until you returned but in Saturday things had changed and he needed to speak about it (even just briefly), or he worried you would find out another way, or other people had to be told and he thought you would be upset about finding out after them, or he realised he just couldn't keep the secret.

I recently had bad news on holiday. My family tried to keep it from me so they could tell me on my return (understandably) but someone else said something and finding out secondhand made everything worse, as did realising other people knew before me.

So the news is something that impacts him and his family negatively and you're upset about it spoiling your weekend away.

Imagine the roles were reversed and the female OP had the bad news:

So my DP is away on a lads weekend. I've had some devastating news that impacts not only me but my whole family. I'm absolutely heartbroken and all I wanted was a bit of empathy/understanding/support from my DP while he's away drinking and partying. Spoke to him briefly and really wanted a listening ear and some support but he's now accusing me of ruining HIS weekend away with mates and I've had upsetting news that impacts ME and MY family.

It would be an absolutely resounding LTB

Whilst I was On my honeymoon my mum found out she had cancer. She waited until I returned to tell me.

If he needed you in that moment to talk to that's one think but he didn’t he told you then left you with it

Yup.

Maybe he was still processing the news/supporting family members in the evening and didn't have the emotional/mental headspace.

Who knows.

I wouldn't expect my partner to keep quiet about something serious and upsetting because I didn't want him to spoil my day.