Dating stress

[newgirl8487]

Long term reader, first time poster.

I'm 34 and recently dipped my toe back into the waters of online dating after breaking up with my long term partner. The quality of the men on the apps has been poor, with men ranging from seeming bitter that they are alone to men who just want to fuck and chuck. It has made me feel a bit depressed about the possibly of meeting anyone.

I went on a date on Friday and had such a good time. The guy was funny and interesting and we had such a laugh and amazing sex (I know, I know). He said he had a nice time too and that we would do something again.

We messaged a bit yday (he messaged first) with no date to meet again yet and I haven't heard from him since yesterday evening so I'm feeling a bit anxious. I know men are likely to be dating multiple women so maybe he's just not that into me.

Reading this back I realise I sound absolutely crazy. I've met this guy once and don't really know him but I have such a scarcity mindset around dating as the qualify of the men on the apps is so poor.

Help me get a grip??

Hold your nerve, do not message first, it’s not been that long. Be light when he eventually does text. If he takes too long, don’t get your hopes up over someone who is not doing the legwork to pursue you.

He's probably not even awake.

I can’t see a problem here. You had a nice date, you agreed you wanted to do it again, you’ve been messaging since. You don’t need to be in contact every hour of the day. I always found it bonkers when I was dating when men wanted to send tons of daily messages: I don’t message my parents or my closest friends daily - why would I want endless banal chit chat with men I barely knew?

Just ask him when he’s next free to go out, acknowledge that it’s Christmas and you both have lots of stuff going on, suggest a couple of dates before and afterwards which work for you. You’ll either get the answer you want or you won’t, but it’ll be a damn sight easier than waiting for your phone to alert constantly and second guessing everything. And don’t play games about making sure he always messages first or trying to get him to pursue you: all you’ll do is make him think that you’re not very interested, or that he can’t be bothered with games

I think if he wants you as his gf, he will pursue you with daily contact as he won't want you getting away and because you'll be on his mind constantly, it won't be you putting in all the effort, just easy, the ones that leave days/weeks before contacting you are not serious from my experience they may like to see you here and there but that's it.
Its a hard not knowing but you just have to wait it out and see how it goes, don't get your hopes up just incase.

Thanks everyone, god I hate dating! He has messaged me today now, just general chit chat. When I reply I will take control and ask when he's free to meet again. Im finding it hard not to get my hopes up because he seems nice and fun (although I realise I don't actually know him, having only met him once!) and from the state of the apps my options are very limited.

I used to be so much more chill about dating but that's when I was younger and less bothered about settling down. Now it's a priority for me so it does feel like the stakes are high, especially when I've met someone who I like.

@BigPorker I fancied him and wanted to have sex with him. Not having sex doesn't always weed out the ones who are only after sex - my friend went out with a guy and only had sex with him after 2 months. After they had sex he ghosted her. Some men just like the chase.

@BigPorker not a surprise, just a disappointment if that is the case but better to find out now than to wait to sleep with hi and find out in 3 weeks or whatever. Anyway he has messaged so I will wait and see. He pays for his dating app so I would be surprised if he was only in it for a shag, I was more concerned that he may not have really liked me.

@BigPorker hinge - if you pay you get more likes, can see who has liked you, set more preferences etc

@BigPorker I don't get any matches on tinder! He did say that it's harder for men which is why he pays

Eventually you'll drive yourself insane with this anxiousness over texting and the speediness of replies...
It's suffocating just reading it ..

@Bettyboo111 yes I know. I don't like being or feeling like this and I wish I could go back to my old nonchalant dating self. Any tips for this??!

@BigPorker I didn't think he was ugly and he made me laugh

@BigPorker maybe he is and I'm just one of many!

“Shooting fish in a barrel?”

OP you’re a bit anxious, that’s fine and normal. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t need to justify yourself on here to random twats.

@BigPorker yes, lots but not from men I'd be interested in which is why the fact that I've gone through the talking stage and actually met someone I like feels so significant and important.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress thank you, it does help to post on here. I've asked him if he wants to go out again and now I'm going to keep busy!

Listen to or read Matthew hussey love life.

Tbh you've hit the nail on the head as most men our age that are single are either rejected by women as no one wants them or have rejected bothering to be in a relationship as so many women want them they don't need to. There will be a few good ones but it takes time to meet them.

The only way to navigate this is with boundaries. If you get anxious when you've slept with someone without being committed or sure about the relationship status then the lesson is you can only have sex with guys after they've confirmed that they want to go out with you and only you. You'll probably have a period of celibacy for a while but you'll feel calmer and of course a decent guy that actually likes you would agree to that why wouldn't he? And if he doesn't then at least you know and you won't feel used.

I haven't had sex with anyone for months but i feel lots more peaceful since setting this boundary as I too would get so anxious in the after I've slept with him but before we're official stage, and now I wonder why I put myself through that and pretended to be casual when I'm clearly not!

You're absolutely right. Not sleeping with a guy quickly doesn't mean he'll like you more BUT even if a guy isn't keen he'll always try to sleep with you first if he thinks he has a chance. And you end up feeling used, he doesn't, if it then ends.

Funnily my affirmation app just sent me 'i keep my standards high because I am worth it' as I typed this

@Unexpectedlysinglemum ugh I hate that sex is used in this way! At what point is it acceptable to sleep with someone then? He has messaged since and we have arranged another date for Friday - how do I know if he just wants sex then too?