How do I stop being so critical?

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Over the years I've become more and more critical of my husband in both every day things and in general how he is in our relationship.

I don't like that trait or how it's impacting our relationship or who I am as a person.

I'm not sure why I've shifted. I think it's in part that I've worked really hard on changing aspects of myself - I'm a long way from perfect but I'm a very different person than I was say 20 years ago. He hasn't grown as much. Maybe when I had a lower self esteem I was more tolerant and expected less.

Due to changing life circumstances we have in many ways swapped roles but I feel like he's struggled to do what I need of him so I'm stressed and overwhelmed. When I try to talk about it he doesn't want to engage and help us find a workable way forward - he gets angry, blaming and withdraws. In return I'm more and more emotionally and physically withdrawing.

I feel like we are now both stuck in a negative pattern - I'm sure that each of us plays a part in that - I'm hardly blameless. I'm not sure how to criticise less without just disengaging and then many things will be invisible and just slide to me - leaving me feeling resentful .

Have you experienced this dynamic and what has worked in terms of shifting it to a more positive and productive space.

No advice. But good on you for taking a view on changing. I’m following as I’m the same!

Well, it sounds like you are doing the necessary work like reaching out to him to talk, and if he won't engage that's just put a road block on your communication and negotiation of all things material and spiritual. If he won't lower his defences and talk I'm not sure how you proceed at all.

Yes it's frustrating.

I'd like to find a way that isn't divorce although admittedly some days it does sound attractive

I'd love to think of a way I can work on my own behaviour that might shift things in a less conscious way.

Maybe we need to set goals. Like a diet. Two compliments and no criticisms before lunch?

Actually maybe that is something I could try. Spot him doing things I really appreciate and tell him so and breath deeply though the rest and see if that makes some kind of impact. I think I'm captive to the stupid idea that if I just communicated my needs clearly enough and why they are important that he'd understand and change his behaviour. But I think all he thinks is that he's being criticised

So, in my experience, it starts with you first.

There's a few things I noticed from your post:

1. you said you're vastly different to how you were 20 years ago and that he hasn't changed that much. He hasn't changed much as it comes to you, but that doesn't mean he hasn't changed in other ways.
2. You mentioned that he's "struggled to do what I need of him". I don't know what specifically but I'm curious as to why you worded it that way instead of a "pull his weight" type conversation
3. When I try to talk about it he doesn't want to engage and help us find a workable way forward - he gets angry, blaming and withdraws. This depends on how what you're suggesting. Is it vastly different to what he's suggesting? Are you sure you're not being "my way or the highway"?

Going forward, you need to break the first cycle. You know how they say that once something annoys you all you can do is focus on it? If he does something that annoys you, write it down first. Keep a list if you must. Don't react straight off the bat. Conversely, write down when he does something good (because otherwise you'll ONLY be focusing on the negative).

Once you have your list or your concern, however you want to do it, really evaluate that list and the seriousness of the items to you. Then determine how you want to address those items. Some things are deal breakers, some things you can ignore, and some things you'll want to address to stop bitterness festering.

Examples:

I was annoyed when I felt like my husband did nothing around the house or with the baby. I wrote a list of literally every task, breaking it down to the minutia, for example:

• pick-up laundry off floor
• strip beds
• wash laundry
• dry laundry
• put laundry away
• remake beds

The list helped me visualize everything. I never got around to giving it to him, but it's still on side of the fridge, 8 years later lol. Helped me realize there were little things I didn't think about either. Things that I just took for granted.

Also, he decided baby activities were boring. So I stopped inviting him actually and just would tell him "we're off to do X" or "we're off to do Y". Eventually he actually asked if he could come. I remember being super shocked lol.

At the end of the day, for me, there were little things that I decided aren't worth breaking up (read: divorcing) over... Little habits that I decided didn't make my life worse. I have my "deal breakers" and as long as they aren't violated, we're good.

@sykadelic you wrote

1. You mentioned that he's "struggled to do what I need of him". I don't know what specifically but I'm curious as to why you worded it that way instead of a "pull his weight" type conversation

I found you post useful and I thinking through some of the things you've written

Re above quote I did struggle to write that - rewrote it a few times trying to find the right words. He can be hard working - it's more than he seems to struggle with priorities Eg hasn't thought about dinner at all but is decluttering some items from university days which means I end up having hungry teens coming into my office where I might be working on a tight work deadline. So he often can't see what needs to be done or what's nerds to be done urgently. So my head is often overwhelmed with not only my own list but also on alert for what he's missed.

I'm not at all a 'my way or the highway' kind of person - I'd rather we put the issue on the table and put both our heads together to work out a mutual way forward. He'd either rather be told what to do or just take ever and do it himself.

I'd like to be freed up to work in the same way I freed him up to work in the past. I don't want things that we've agreed are his responsibility sliding over to me largely because he forgets they exist.

The more I think about it maybe he needs to go back to work and we pay for help. But I don't think he's interested in returning to work and trying to talking to him about it will likely be stressful and unproductive.

"I end up having hungry teens coming into my office where I might be working on a tight work deadline"

Why is this happening? Do you redirect them to him, or tell them during x and x hours, questions or requests go to Dad as I am working. They are more than old enough to understand that. Maybe if they hassle him, he'll feel it's more of his problem, rather than you "criticising" him because the kids are hassling you.

I think we all struggle sometimes with time getting away from us. Also as time goes on abilities change, including remembering things.

Re dinner and the kids, You need to have a chat with your husband about what would work for him to be reminded. Personally, I think a "hey dad, we're hungry" should suffice but then you're relying on the kids stomachs. Some options could be:

• an alarm on his phone
• an alarm/alert from Alexa/Google
• slow cooker meals
• an auto-text (less optimal imo).

Are the kids old enough to get snacks for themselves? I had/have a snack tub for my son.

It's so easy to let certain tasks switch back to you because you don't want certain things to happen or not happen, BUT unless it's life or death, a delay on some things isn't the end of the world.

You could try a family meeting, sitting down with everyone and reminding them that just because you're home doesn't mean you're available. That they're of a certain age and here are their responsibilities, etc etc.

Teamwork makes the dream work!

Well, feeding kids and having dinner sorted is a pretty important task that should take priority over other tasks.
How does he not have a structure?
In my experience, a routine for food management and laundry helps things to tick along well.
Get him to come up with a plan to plan meals, shop for meals and snacks and prepare those meals.

Are you frustrated that he's not working? If you have teens, why is he not working?

Yup, I've been there, could have written your post a few years back. I approached it very much as you are, taking at least my share of the blame, trying to work out how to make it work with minimal/no commitment from him.

What happened?

He went off with a barbie doll who didn't expect anything of him.

So I guess my advice is: think about how much you're investing, notice when he's not similarly investing, and think about whether what you're doing is worth it to you.

Well, are you criticising him for silly, unimportant things or are you only having to 'criticise' him (ie ask him to do things) because he's not doing all the things he needs to?

You work; he doesn't. Does he keep the house tidy, cook all the meals, shop, ferry the kids around, take on the emotional labour of running a house?

Or does he take the piss?

(Why isn't he working if you have teens? Are you both happy with this?)

We have weekly meeting on a Sunday morning to look at the week and who is doing what.
So , I can finish on time on Monday and Tuesday, and can cook tea. Can you do Weds as I am in a late meeting
We are both late Thursday so the kids can cook themselves a pizza and Friday we are early, so I can take the kids to football and you can do dinner.
It then goes on the shared calendar and is all sorted
Takes 15 mins over coffee on a Sunday and makes the week just happen

@sykadelic @PerambulationFrustration oh I have tried to help him set up systems but none of them stick.

The thing is he can work really hard but it means getting completely lost in an activity which was fine when he was working full time and I was responsible for more of the day to day house / kid stuff but it doesn't work now we've swapped roles

I guess I feel like I need to be his memory - we had counselling over it years ago because (and I can't believe I'm about to write this) he would get angry if I forgot his appointments. This was pre mobile phones and the solution was for him to carry a small notepad that he could record things in. He still has a notepad but it gets lost or there are so many things on it it's not obvious what is a priority.

I've tried to set up systems with him but none stick. And I don't get why he can't come up with a system himself. He's smart.

The teens come to me I guess be abuse they know I'll get things done. The dinner was just an example and isn't a frequent thing. It could be anything they need assistance with. I think they now feel bad asking him as it seems to be so hard for him to do the thing.

The comments have been really helpful

That sounds like a dream and I'm so envious that works for you.

I think my criticism comes in many forms - asking/reminding him to do things that we've agreed are his responsibility, expressing frustrating when he hasn't taken the time to understand what I've said (which results in very random stuff happening) and I think my growing frustration has made me in general more reactive and critical. I don't like who I've become and I'd like to change that

Communication is hard. He doesn't find talking to people easy and that plays out in lots of ways.

Yes I'm fine with him not being in paid work at the moment if he's freeing me up to focus on my work - the issue is he isn't.

Sounds like you've outgrown him. What do you want your future to look like OP?

Mmmn, I think there are quite a few things going on here. But the first is this idea that him doing things in the house/for the kids, is him somehow doing YOU a favour. That is a mindset that needs to change pretty quickly, from both of you.

So, for example, if you, as a couple, agree that now that you are working he is in charge of dinner, as a couple you might decidde what is the framework for this - eg dinner must involve a certain amount of nutrition and variety, be served between 6-8. It may be that if he hasnt' done this before (or has ADHD) you might need to help him "learn" how to do this or create a list of what's involved - it seems so obvious but clearly for whatever reason, it is NOT to your DH right now. So that might be setting aside a time for meal planning and online food ordering, then setting an alarm to ensure that dinner prep starts by x time etc.

But ultimately, even if you help him set up these tools, HE has to take responsibility for them. And right now, I'd be saying to him, "these are not favours for me that you're sometimes taking on. These are important tasks and responsibilities for the good of our whole family and you are not doing them. Why do you think it's okay to simply abdicate responsibility for them?"

A lot of what he's doing sound like classic ADHD symptoms to me. But to be clear, I don't think that's an excuse, but rather, another reason that he would need to take responsibility. We suspect DH has ADHD but it means that these things are harder for him, and he has to have tools to manage them, not that he gets to just not do them. Specific example - he finds it overwhelming to plan far ahead or think about the complex logistics of things ahead of time. So he would simply choose not to or, like your DH and getting cross when you didn't remind him about appointments, he would get cross with me when I wanted to discuss it and turn it into me being controlling etc. And then I realised how shit that was and I let rip one day, got angry and sarcastic and a bit mean and yelled some version of, "Fine, I'll be the adult and do all the planning and all the thinking becuase it's just too hard for your poor little man brain. Of course I don't mind taking it all on because otherwise it's the DC who miss out. I woudln't want you to have to do anything that you find difficult or boring... that's MY job."

He's been a lot better since.

When i was training to teach I’m sure they said three positives to each negative. Can you try that? You’ll be liking for good things and thinking of the bad are really worth saying…

Yes that sometimes echoes my own thoughts. I'd love the space to really work through that.

I get your point but it also raises one of my issues - that I am more and more feeling like the parent in the relationship and I think that dynamic is eroding our connection.

I just want to add that I'm also a little concerned about this perspective of you being "super critical". You've already given us one example - re dinner - and I think it's clear that none of us think your'e being super critical to find that annoying. I bet that the vast bulk of the examples are NOT you being super critical, but rather you just expecting a fairly standard base level of competence from the man who is supposed to be your life partner and teammate.

From your OP: When I try to talk about it he doesn't want to engage and help us find a workable way forward - he gets angry, blaming and withdraws. In return I'm more and more emotionally and physically withdrawing.

And yet YOU are the super critical one? I'm struggling to see how. Instead of discussing it or even him explaining why your "criticism" is not right, he gets angry, blames and withdraws? Is "withdraws" a polite euphemism for silent treatment? Because that's abuse.

@OhBling Can I message you privately? .

Stop and pause to think before you speak.

Sure!