What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever had to help you move on or heal after a break up?

[HelpToMoveForward]

I’m in desperate need of some advice on what to do next. I know I need to be on my own for a while but I need words of encouragement and practical advice please.

This time last year I posted on mumsnet about having the ick with my husband of ten years, I was so scared about what to do next but managed to save my house and have nearly full custody of my children (he’s not interested). I handled the end of the marriage well and although I was sad about my family unit breaking up I was so relieved I didn’t have to be married to him any more.

I met a man in February who healed me, made me laugh and made me feel beautiful again. I didn’t expect marriage or anything serious and enjoyed our time together, having fun and his support enabled me to rebuild my life. He has ended things this week due to, I believe, an ex coming back into his life and I am heartbroken. I have never felt so upset that I won’t have someone in my life anymore. How do I get over this? I have a good support network of friends, I joined the gym this year and have been going out socially with friends and family. But I’m just really sad. How do I get over this man who never did anything wrong and I was beginning to allow myself to see a future with?

No contact. Go for a walk. Be kind to yourself. Focus on Christmas and I promise by the first week in January you'll feel a million times better.

You miss the rush. You're not heartbroken, your body just misses the endorphin rush. It'll settle, but only if you allow it to.

I have seen this happen, it’s like you are way more upset over this short relationship than your marriage. Is it because you were hoping to put things right with this one ? It’s hard!

Well done on getting out of a bad relationship. Can you get some therapy for yourself maybe?

Sorry it didn’t work out x

That sounds tough op. I'd count my blessings I found out sooner, rather than later.

It might take a year to get over it. But you will.

In my experience, it'll take a while. There'll be lonely nights, times when you just wish they were around again but you have to focus on your own wellbeing. Focus on friends and family; as someone said before get out in the world, go for a walk or go some place you haven't been before. In time, it'll all fade.

One thing you must not do is reconect with them. When myself and my ex split, it was hard not to contact her because she only lived ten minutes up the road. It was hard for months. But you mustn't contact them at all, no matter what.

Thank you all ❤️
I think I did over invest probably because of the way he made me feel after a horrible marriage.
I am on day three of no contact and I have to keep reminding myself I can’t just message him the little things I did before.
I think going somewhere new is great advice, at the moment everything just reminds me of him but I know I need to make new memories. It’s horrible that it’s so close to Christmas but at least I have that to keep me busy.

"Fuck Em".

Do what you want for you. Forge interests, join a book club, volunteer, join a choir, take revenge by digging your garden.

A man may come or not. Regardless you will have built a good and interesting life.

Go well.

@RosesAndHellebores “Fuck em” is definitely a solid piece of advice right now! Thank you!!

@Bananadana I think I’m scared of being on my own even though I don’t rely on anyone for anything. I struggle with the loneliness of not having a partner or that person that has my back. I know I definitely need to be on my own now to get myself back and heal from the last year.

Yes that’s a good idea but not easy to be on your own, especially if he helped you through a break up.

Sorry you're hurting. I too have experienced more pain at losing a long term friend turned lover for a short period than in the ending of a 20 year marriage! Yes, there were difficulties and pain in ending my marriage but I'd had time to realise that it was never going to be right so whilst difficult, I reached an understanding within myself that it was best to move on. When the relationship finished however it was at a point when it felt full of potential and joy so really difficult to process why he wouldn't give it a chance and, like your situation, a very long term ex had come back into his life and his explanation was that he was drawn between us both. Ideally I think he'd like to put me back on the close platonic friendship box but it is way too hurtful for me and I need to keep a distance and do the bare minimum as we have to work together. We met last week and I was hopeful of a reconciliation but it turned out I think that it was just to assuage his feeling guilty that I'd been so hurt and he didn't even tell his now partner that he was seeing me, so I begin to understand he's really not 'sorted' himself and I suspect looking for connection from others to make him feel whole but he doesn't understand why this is. No-one can do this work for another person who is insecure but it can leave someone who has given them love feeling incredibly hurt I think. Take care and try and distract yourself - lots of films and meet ups with friends.

I listened to the breakup song by The littlest pet shop. Which then led me to a break up album by Aly and AJ and essentially got over it by listening to that on repeat every day for a few months.
Recommended to me by my brother who also listened to it after a breakup.

Definitely no contact, as hard as that is. Know that it's normal to feel upset, lonely, sad, angry, whatever - let yourself feel whatever you feel. And sign up to a challenge of some sort -, a course, or a run or some fitness bootcamp, or learn a new type of cooking or whatever floats your boat, just set yourself to achieve something next year, give yourself a focus. You can do it OP!

@Poppylady71
I feel exactly the same. I had processed the end of my marriage for a few years after my husband had an affair so I was emotionally ready to move on.
This has come as a complete shock, we never argued or disagreed and most aspects of the relationship seemed ‘perfect’. I do think he has an avoidant personality though and as things became serious between us he got scared and chose to run!
I hope it starts to get easier for you, it must be really difficult having to work with him still as it means you can’t go no contact.

There is so much amazing advice here thank you all. I find it so difficult to talk about it in real life because I am always the strong one and the person people come to for support. I think I need to lean on my friends a bit more now though.

@Pamspeople the competitive streak in me loves the idea of signing up for a challenge. I’m going to find something to focus on in the new year!

I can never understand why single separated/divorced women who have children are so often so desperate to meet another man. Let us be realistic, most men are not interested in another man's children and do not want to get involved in bringing them up. More second marriages fail than first marriages, and there is plenty of evidence of the difficulties of blended families on MN. I am sorry you have been hurt, rejection is always painful, but maybe just focus on your own little family, you and DCs, and enjoying life as best you can with them.

I think this is a really unkind comment where you have jumped to conclusions. There’s a lot of things people do in life that others don’t understand but it doesn’t make them right or wrong.
My children were not involved in my relationship nor were his. I focused on being me as a person when I was with him and not just a mom. The reason I wanted a relationship.. love, intimacy, sex amongst other things. Just because I am a mother doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to enjoy those things like people who aren’t.

The same thing happened to me, as in I left a marriage in which I was unhappy without a backwards glance, then the first guy I dated, he though he wasn't remotely relationship material, I was so so crushed when it finished after a few months.

I think it was the combination of the great sex & easy going & fun dating (because we still in the honeymoon period) the attention was so exciting after being with my exh for so long.

However it was a fantasy, I had no idea of all his flaws (nor he mine) and we didn't have any domestic drudgery or boredom with each other.

Absolutely no contact is the only way you can move on.
Burn your phone, drop in into the nearest river if you think you can't stick to that.
I promise you it's the only way.

Yes maybe after your marriage being so awful, this felt amazing, like a drug almost. I can see how it happens totally, and you have my sympathy getting through this. It’s really hard x

It’s crazy isn’t it. I didn’t shed a tear over my soon to be ex husband but this new man has absolutely crushed me.

I think you’re right about the honeymoon period, I enjoyed the excitement of getting to know someone new, the butterflies and definitely the sex! Long term, I think like your situation, we wouldn’t have worked as our values and goals were very different but it’s just really sad. I hope you’re doing okay now.

I’m off to throw my phone off a bridge today 😂

@3luckystars I think you’re right! I was addicted to how he made me feel and not necessarily him as a person. Thank you ❤️

When I split with my ex, we'd been together four years. It really upset me for around a year. It was a very hard time in my life. But looking back, I don't think it was her that I was pining for. I'd built the relationship up in my head and it was the so-called lost potential of that relationship that I was missing. In hindsight, it was all fantasy. My ex had a lot of issues which were difficult to navigate and often I felt the only one who actually wanted this relationship. It took me a year to realise that what I felt loss for was actually a mirage.

‘Stop crying and start feeling angry. Remember this feeling and never look back’