Pros and cons of leaving my husband

[LaceyLou42]

Together 15 years. 4 year old child together. Decision making has never been my strong point and this is a big decision. I’ve read a lot about people giving up too easily especially when you have a family but also read a lot about leaving and being happy before you regret it. I’ve been unhappy for 2.5 years.

Here is my list of pros and cons of staying with him

Pros
Financial security
He has big plans for our future
Loves me and doesn’t want to lose me

Cons
I love him but more like a brother
I can’t get excited about future plans
I prefer it when he’s not there (feel more relaxed)
He irritates me when he’s near me
I can’t bare to plan things because I know he’ll spoil it somehow
He has mood swings
Never know where I stand with him (mixed messages one minute he loves me next minute he wants to be without me)
Nasty when he is in his moods (could be emotional abuse but he has said this is going to stop since I threatened to leave)
Causes an atmosphere
Makes everything more stressful than it needs to be
Don’t find him attractive
Find him boring
Nothing to talk about
Not on same wavelength with parenting
Shouts at me infront of our child when he’s in one of his moods
He gets annoyed if I’m poorly or in a bad mood
Says nasty things about people I care about
Always talks about himself

and the big one…
I’m thinking about other men and have almost given in to temptation. The fact I’m thinking this way makes me sad.

I realise it’s a long cons list but he isn’t like that alllll the time

The cons outweigh the pros by a mile so I suppose the choice is do you settle for what you have or be happy? If you choose to stay how will you feel 10 years down the road when nothing has changed and life has passed you by? I was in a similar situation myself a few years ago and left and never looked back.

I also often daydream about going on holiday by myself….bliss

The only actual pro on your list is financial security because the other two don’t really count as a pro for you.
Do you have your own income?

yes but it’s not much. No where near as much as
he earns. Not even close

He does sound awful and maybe you'd be more peaceful without him.
But only do it if you'd be happier alone.
There is no great love out there to be found in middle aged honestly there isn't. Men are single for a reason and your H will be one of them. QED.

And definitely don't have an affair. It will blow up your family beyond all recognition

@Autumnblackberries are women of the same age single for a reason as well or does this only apply to men? Huge sweeping generalisation there and everyone will have different circumstances.

If I left (if I were you) it would be to stay alone and be happy and know that’s the deal

then if you someone else then that is a bonus

but would I stay in your shoes .. no

but that will mean less time with your child

How do I know I’d be happier alone? Wish I had a crystal ball.

i think id find it great at first but what if I regretted it. We’ve been together since we were 17

I’m 33

he has offered to give me the house and pay the mortgage should I want to go ahead with a separation but whether this would actually happen I don’t know

I keep thinking am I having an early mid life crisis. I feel like I’m living a life I don’t want. Growing up I was never bothered about babies or getting married I wanted to travel the world. I feel stuck in a rut but then this is normal life

Can you work more or earn more? There are always ways around this. What would you do if he left you? You’d have to figure it out one way or another. Staying with someone because of money is a miserable way to live

I wouldn’t plan a separation in that basis.
You can be pretty sure he’ll become very vindictive if you were to divorce. Think about he behaves when he is in a mood and multiply that.

And what if you realise you should have done it sooner? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with a bad tempered arse?

Do your research on the practical side - money, benefits, housing, your legal rights and how to get them and so on. Don't assume that what he says he will do now in terms of letting you live in the house bears any resemblance to what will happen when it all becomes reality.

Resist the temptation to have an exit affair, though. That could get messy and you have a child to consider in the fall out.

However, seen one if your PROS is financial security, I’d start by looking at how much you’d get in case you separate.
How much pension do you have? How much is his? What about the house? If you were to split 50/50, how much would you need to buy him out?

Dont know about how you’re doing financially, but also look at UC and CM.

@BeenThere101 YY about seeing a sollicitor

he has offered to give me the house and pay the mortgage should I want to go ahead with a separation but whether this would actually happen I don’t know

So you have discussed it with him? When shove comes to push I don’t think he will.
Dreaming aside, be realistic, go and see a solicitor and get the facts, bills mortgage, both your pensions etc but don’t tell him because if you do he will start thinking on other lines.
The grass always looks greener on the other side and don’t forget your DC.
Also, maybe see the doctor to check you are not depressed.

Well he was in tears when he said this and said I’ve given him the wake up call he needed. But he said if I was truly unhappy that’s the arrangement he would make. I’d carry on living here. But that’s the only time it’s been discussed and emotions were running high.

Look at your lists, OP. Can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with that list?

Could you not try counselling as it sounds like you’ve got nothing to lose by doing it.

Why don’t you do some decent marriage Councelling together?
Look into the different styles out there. You need someone who will help you really connect. Using research related to neuroscience and emotional connection. It won’t be cheap. But cheaper that’s divorce.
Or you could give up, divide the family up. Clearly behavior on both sides needs to change.
Don’t fool yourself that the pool of men out there when you want to meet someone new will be amazing. It won’t.
You talk about a kid life crisis. Maybe that is the issue. Either way a good marriage therapist who works for the relationship will help you figure that out.

He is abusing you and your child.
Your marriage is over.
Make plans to save your child from this.

"He irritates me when he’s near me"

I feel once you have reached the point where you spouse irritates you when they are near you it is over. That never, every improves - they actually become more irritating as you happiness wanes further. You are only 33 - can you imagine staying with him until you are 53?