Pros and cons of leaving my husband

[LaceyLou42]

Together 15 years. 4 year old child together. Decision making has never been my strong point and this is a big decision. I’ve read a lot about people giving up too easily especially when you have a family but also read a lot about leaving and being happy before you regret it. I’ve been unhappy for 2.5 years.

Here is my list of pros and cons of staying with him

Pros
Financial security
He has big plans for our future
Loves me and doesn’t want to lose me

Cons
I love him but more like a brother
I can’t get excited about future plans
I prefer it when he’s not there (feel more relaxed)
He irritates me when he’s near me
I can’t bare to plan things because I know he’ll spoil it somehow
He has mood swings
Never know where I stand with him (mixed messages one minute he loves me next minute he wants to be without me)
Nasty when he is in his moods (could be emotional abuse but he has said this is going to stop since I threatened to leave)
Causes an atmosphere
Makes everything more stressful than it needs to be
Don’t find him attractive
Find him boring
Nothing to talk about
Not on same wavelength with parenting
Shouts at me infront of our child when he’s in one of his moods
He gets annoyed if I’m poorly or in a bad mood
Says nasty things about people I care about
Always talks about himself

and the big one…
I’m thinking about other men and have almost given in to temptation. The fact I’m thinking this way makes me sad.

I realise it’s a long cons list but he isn’t like that alllll the time

He is not a nice man and this is not a healthy relationship. Leave for your child's sake if not your own.

life is way way way too short to live an unhappy life, trust me I’m 33 and almost died this year (not being dramatic) and it’s really made me realise how short life really is as cliche as that sounds.

also staying for the sake of a child irks me so badly, why would anyone encourage this when the person that is 100% going to suffer the most is the poor child, I know from childhood experience that growing up in that thick horrid atmosphere made the days unbearable even on “good days” me and my siblings where always waiting for the next argument or next bad mood, when they did inevitably get divorced things where so much better both where so much happier separate

Yes they are generally because they won't settle for the substandard men on offer.

Remember he will also get a new partner who will replace you and you may not be living in the house for long and you may only see your child 50% of the time. That said it is not necessarily a reason to stay but be very very sure as the grass is not always greener. Perhaps some marriage counselling and see if he really can make the changes needed before you give up on "family life".

sounds like my ex!!!I had all those cons as well plus many others. It's hard yes but I made an exit......... as staying in that could have killed me.

Exactly. Just imagine spending 50+ years more in this prison.No amount of financial security is worth it. You have outgrown him. Living in captivity will cost you your health. You are still young , you deserve better. It's not all about money.

I prefer it when he’s not there (feel more relaxed)
He irritates me when he’s near me
I can’t bare to plan things because I know he’ll spoil it somehow
He has mood swings
Never know where I stand with him (mixed messages one minute he loves me next minute he wants to be without me)
Nasty when he is in his moods (could be emotional abuse but he has said this is going to stop since I threatened to leave)
Causes an atmosphere
Makes everything more stressful than it needs to be
Shouts at me infront of our child when he’s in one of his moods
He gets annoyed if I’m poorly or in a bad mood
Says nasty things about people I care about

He is emotionally abusive. You walk on eggshells and don’t know where you stand, he shouts at you in front of your dc and ruins events you look forward to, he isn’t caring when you’re ill, he slags off your family/friends (this is called alienation and it is designed to isolate you from support). All of these things are abusive and controlling (putting you in fear or designed to manipulate you- as is the emotional response when you threaten to leave him. He doesn’t mean it and he won’t change).

Please leave him as soon as you can, but safely. Don’t stay. It will only get worse.

And read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I think there is a free pdf online. It was eye-opening for me.

I could’ve written that post at age 33ish. In fact, I almost did a few times. I wish I’d left then. Instead, I stayed until 44 thereby wasting a decade. Don’t be like me.

I would advise against an exit affair. Too messy. Better to meet someone as a genuinely single woman. There ARE good single and divorced men aged 30-40 out there, I know quite a few at work for example. But of course that is something for the future and not for now.

See a good solicitor who’ll negotiate for you. Lean on close friends and relatives.

Yes, this is normal life. You are caught in the humdrum of early childrearing.
Be careful what you wish for

You mentioned your head has been turned OP.
If you read your message back and put it your husband had wrote it would some of these replies been a bit different.
I get it, you are thirty something, you have had your children, you feel bored, a bit what if?
But.
You really need to look into yourself and think is it really about him?
Are you wanting an escape from boring family life and singledom looks so, so appealing.
It's not always, you will have to negotiate dating, and dating sites are rife with horrendous men, then you have to negotiate meeting the tiny minority of men who want to be with a thirty year old with kids .
I definitely think you have had your head turned by someone and are making excuses to do it
If this was reversed you would hear different responses.

I have a friend who argues that there must be decent men out there because we are decent women.
Not logical -y exh and her ex-boyfriend cheated on us. Neither of us cheated.
So there are already fewer decent men than women , if if only two…
However in her search for a man OLD she hadn’t encountered a decent one yet..
I m lucky to have met by pure chance a lovely man ‘in the wild’ -have never done OLD.
‘My’ man (early days so shouldn’t use that expression I guess, is a widower not a perfect marriage but the loved and supported each other. And his every action towards me is lovely -not lovebombing but natural
decency and consideration.
But this is really rare in the dating world

Have you discussed potential arrangements for your child or what would you expect?

@Washingupdone OP- what happened? Did you stay or did you go? X

LaceyLou42
What happened? Did you stay or did you go?

I wonder what his list would say. What are you doing to make your relationship more fun and enjoyable? You are talking about his mood swings and walking on egg shells around him while you are talking about seperation. What do you expect his mood to be.
Your points are all valid but it takes 2 to make a gd relationship work