People who were ghosted. Talk to me

[Itwentwrongagain4]

I need to be honest and say how I feel without people telling me its my own fault etc. I needed to get back out there. I know its fairly close to my last relationship ending. But I've been attempting to leave for a long time and I struggled due to the dynamics.

I know someone called D. I've known him in a very distanced way from primary school. I remember him more than me. I went trick or treating with his cousins and played around his aunties. We have lots of little links to one another.

I ended up working with D last year. Same building. Different jobs. We've always been able to talk. Got on well. We knew we liked eachother but nothing happened as he had a partner. They have very recently split up. So we've chatted abit. We got closer. We went out for a drink 3 weeks ago. We slept together after. The connection seemed positive the next day so a few days later we met up again. All was good. Then we slept together and spent a few hours together. Everything was positive. Said goodnight and arranged to meet up today.

He's stopped speaking to me. Heard absolutely nothing now since Tuesday. I messaged him last night and said I was hurt and didn't think he was like this. I Said I would appreciate an explanation so things are not uncomfortable in general. I see his mum auntie and grandma approx twice a month and I feel sad I'm not worthy of an explanation.

He didn't reply.

I'm well aware there's no point messaging anymore. But why is this the normal now? I'm not even from a dating site. I'm an actual person he knows.

Did you message him in the 3 days from tuesday to friday? And he ignored you?

Just leave it. He doesn't know what to say so he's saying nothing.
I've had amazing dates and then been ghosted. The best case was someone who had a super intensive job (fancy corporate lawyer). He just went offline for several months and then got back in touch to say sorry. Most of them just never got back no explanation nothing. I learned to block and move on.
So block and move on

Honestly this isn’t about you - it’s all about him and his issues. He is most likely emotionally immature, certainly weak, may have a whole host of issues that caused him to act this way. You will upset yourself trying to figure out why he did it and if you’re good enough. You are - he isn’t.

I messaged him the morning after. Then left it 16 hours and asked if he didn't wish to talk. Then left it 48 hours and said I didn't think he was this way. If we had no history ghosting would be fine.

He played me a song when he was with me the other night called Oscar winning tears. Laid on my shoulder with his eyes shut. Told me he knew I was who he wanted to be with.

Hmm.

@Itwentwrongagain4 sorry to be brutal but maybe he just wanted sex? Hence the cold shoulder no contact now,?? And he played up to you with the chets etc??? Men are horrible shits sometimes

Well then... he is a prick!
And not very smart either, its not like he can just not see you again.
I would ghost him back unless something devastating has happened in his life

Sorry to hear this, men are sh*t. I'm also fairly freshly out of a long-term relationship (but definitely ready to date, had been unhappy for years but just couldn't find the courage to leave). Met someone online, had an amazing connection, or so I thought. He was saying all the right things, seemed really into me, messaging all day every day. Finally slept together, all good the next day, went for a walk, he was messaging a lot that day still. Messages got a bit more sporadic over the next couple of days but he had his kids staying over so didn't think much of it. Two days later got dumped by a late night voice note, saying he couldn't see it working because of the distance and us both still having kids in school.
I guess he didn't ghost me at least, but felt pretty shitty that he only decided that the distance was an issue after we had slept together, made me think that sex was all he was after all along, and that connection only existed in my head.

Honestly, OP, I think your error here was thinking that you had a stronger connection than you did because of your pre-existing family/childhood connections, when in fact you’re both very recently out of relationships and probably in no way ready for anything more than some no-strings-attached sex.

I get that you wanted to put yourself out there again, but it would have been far emotionally ‘safer’ to do so with someone you had no pre-existing ties to. You’d have felt less dismissed when he stopped replying.

Yes, he’s being rude and not very intelligent about this, especially if you’re going to cross paths at work (it would have been cleverer all round to reply saying ‘I really enjoyed last night, and you’re great, but I don’t see this going anywhere’, but the only behaviour you can change here is your own.

I think you’ve overreacted way too soon. You don’t to talk everyone but now you’ve confronted him over very little it probably will cause him to ghost cos he will be thinking I cba dealing with this.

Won't be seeing him at work anytime soon luckily. I'm just annoyed I was happy for a few weeks and once again feel like shit over a man. No idea what went wrong.

It's such a shit world now with men and dating. It's like constant games.

Over reacted? Why and how? I have been honest and nice and respectful. I've not shouted or named called. I've expressed hurt at being ignored. We are in our 30s. It is immature.

Do you think it’s possible he’s got back with his ex?

I feel there may well be emotions with her but he said they can't fix it. But I still don't see why he couldn't just tell me he needed to sort his life out and needed space.

Yes it's really shit.

And yes, you will mull and maybe even obsess over this ghosting. But you have to try and let it go. There is no point in trying to get answers from him. You just won't get the truth.

You have to remember it's not you, it's them. It really is. Ghosting is cruel, immature and unnecessary.

I dated someone twice. He ghosted me and I felt deep shame about it. I really face myself a hard time, thinking I must be repulsive etc. And then I felt like an idiot falling for his spiel. Only a year on do I feel ok about it now. I would still avoid seeing him at all costs because of my embarrassment.

Don't fall into bed with men straightaway. It's an age old adage but it's correct. Dating is full of opportunistic wolves. You have to be more savvy and protect yourself from hurt. Don't necessarily believe the spiel they spin you either.

Also remember that many of these chaps will have had many partners so if you do go for it in bed with them, remember to use a condom.

Take care and shake off this bloke from your head. It's probably far better you don't get involved anyway because of the family connection. If you do see him again, just be polite and indifferent. He's shown you who he is and it doesn't look good.

That is really hurtful. He is obviously emotionally unstable. This is all his own problem and you were unlucky to be the one around this time.
Life start again now put this behind you. We as women overthink a lot of what is the reason. My brother once gave me a tip about how men find it very hard to face women and rather go cold. They feel scare of how we would react. I am not saying this is the case in every situation but they do live in their own universe.
There is a possibility you came too soon to his life after a a heartbreak and he is not ready yet. Let it go and do not take it personal as it is something you did. I agree what a horrible way of doing things this so called ghosting.

Yep
You made it too easy.

Ghosting is cowardly behaviour. You’ve done nothing wrong unless honesty is considered wrong in today’s world.

Who knows his reasons - try to occupy yourself in things you enjoy.

He is not worthy of you.

He just wanted sex and he’s too cowardly to tell you he’s lost interest now he’s got what he wanted from you.

Don't chase him (or anyone else) asking for an explanation after they ignore your texts. You won’t get a.response as you’ve discovered and you’ll just be wasting your time.

Honestly, men who are only recently separated are very rarely the best ones to want another relationship. They’re not in the right headspace for anything other than casual. Not excusing his crappy behaviour but being realistic

Well no. It's not a matter of making it too easy. I think people who ghost are very likely to do it even if you have sec with them three or six months after your first date.

It's more about protecting yourself and managing your expectations. Sex does not mean any kind of commitment.

Just don't shag them straightaway. More red flags will emerge the longer you know them unless they are total psychopaths and hide it really well.

It’s not about falling in to bed too easily. I dated someone for 3 months before I let him stay over. I took it extremely slow. He spent a fortune on gifts & taking me out. Introducing me to his friends.

He worked away for 7 weeks and FaceTimed me every day. He was due home on the Saturday and we had plans for the Monday night. He blocked me on the Saturday night he came back. No reason. I thought he might have been dead as I just couldn’t fathom it. But no he wasn’t.

I was more pissed of over the 7 weeks of energy he stole of me when he was lonely as he was on the other side of the planet

This is an exceptionally upsetting type of ghosting because D isn't some stranger you met online but a very old friend, by the sound of it. What a horrible way to treat you.
If you'd never had sex with him you may never have found out this aspect to your old friend, but now you know, there is no going back. In a way, does it matter why he did it? For sure, it is nothing to do with your value as a person or your ability to have a happy relationship with someone who is able to be straightforward and respectful with a woman he's dating. I hope things go better for you next time.

@Einaldilastcup usually the longer you wait and the more personality they reveal, the more likely it is they will show the unsavory sides of themselves.

I think you were very unlucky. That chap clearly has something very cold and disconnected in him. A cold, dead heart perhaps. And he love bombed you with gifts etc. Another red flag to look out for.

I hope you've recovered now and are enjoying life with someone decent.

It is an awful thing to do to a person. I'd have never done it to him. I'd feel terrible. I can't fathom it. But I will move on now. I'm feeling better today. Hopefully another day or 2 and I'll be over it.