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Original poster

It's my birthday and I'm feeling so disappointed

47 replies

BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 17:45

It's my birthday today. My husband didn't get up to help me this morning (he never does but I naively though he might today), so I had to get up and sort the dog and 3 cats and the children with breakfast and getting ready for school while he slept until I went to wake him at 8am. Then, he didn't apologise but blamed his alarm. Hadn't got me anything to open, no card, even for the kids to give to me.
He grovelled at lunchtime and turned up with some flowers and said he wanted to take me to the pub for lunch (with our rather fiesty 2 year old). I reluctantly agreed but it was depressing and I didn't enjoy it.
Then, he profusely promised me that he'd be home at 3.30 to pick up out 2 DS and take all 3 kids to his parents' house for tea so I could have a few hours alone. Did he turn up at 3.30? Nope.
Got back about 5, and announced that he's not taking them out after all. Great. Noisy house it is then.
He then told me he's booked a hotel night away tomorrow which is nice in theory but he's arranged for our childminder and her husband to come and stay to look after the kids. The house is an absolute tip and they'll be sleeping in our bed, so now I'm spending my birthday evening cleaning and tidying the house, which will take hours.
I feel a bit heartbroken to be honest. It feels like he doesn't care about trying to make it even a tiny bit special. I know we've now got the hotel tomorrow, but my birthday is today.
I feel like an idiot. I should have just booked things for myself and taken myself off to have a nice day out without relying on someone else.
To make it even more painful, I've just spent weeks (and nearly all my money) planning a set of gifts and a surprise for Christmas that I know he will love so much. I feel like a chump.
I don't know what I'm hoping from this post, but I don't have anyone else that I can tell and I'm just feeling so sad. It has been such a rubbish birthday 😔

OP posts:
Smithhy · 13/12/2024 17:50

Why isn’t he cleaning and prepping the house?

Auntieoftheyear · 13/12/2024 17:51

Happy Birthday! Next year if you can book the day off and fill it with your favourite things.

Auntieoftheyear · 13/12/2024 17:52

Happy Birthday! Next year if you can book the day off and fill it with your favourite things.

Fedupandstressed · 13/12/2024 17:53

Return the e pensive gifts if you can and get him socks

namechange1986 · 13/12/2024 17:54

You got flowers, lunch, and are going on a child-free night away in a hotel.

crackpotter · 13/12/2024 17:59

namechange1986 · 13/12/2024 17:54

You got flowers, lunch, and are going on a child-free night away in a hotel.

Are you joking?

I cannot believe the things people accept as OK from men. The bar is so, so low.

I'm married to a woman and even the idea of making the other get up early with the kids on their birthday is incomprehensible to me. The rest....Jesus.

Original poster
BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 18:00

namechange1986 · 13/12/2024 17:54

You got flowers, lunch, and are going on a child-free night away in a hotel.

I know. But guilt gifts. It's not the same in my opinion.

Birthdays have always been a special day for us (well in my own family and I make it that way for him and the kids too). My Dad now lives 6 hours away and my mum has advancing Alzheimer's so he's the only one that's here. It would just be nice to know that he thought about me enough to make the day a bit nicer than normal. I don't want lots of stuff- it would have just been nice to wake up to the sound of him downstairs sorting the kids for once, or for him to have not booked a gift that would involve me having to clean for hours on my birthday evening after working all day.

Perhaps I am selfish 🤷‍♀️ I don't know anymore. I feel like I've lost my sense of what's reasonable and what's not. Hence this post!

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 18:02

Smithhy · 13/12/2024 17:50

Why isn’t he cleaning and prepping the house?

He says he will, but 13 years of experience tells me that if I don't do it, it won't be done.

OP posts:
RK800 · 13/12/2024 18:05

Honestly, I’d be telling him to cancel the babysitter and that you’ll be going to the hotel alone and he can stay at home with the kids.

wildthingsinthenight · 13/12/2024 18:08

I'm with you OP and I'm sorry.
Happy birthday 💐

Pumpkincozynights · 13/12/2024 18:08

Return the gifts you have bought him if you can. Then buy him bog standard chocolates and a bunch of flowers.
Next year plan something for your birthday so you won’t be disappointed. You shouldn’t have to get up with the DCs but not sure how to get around this.
Also buy yourself something nice for Christmas.

OriginalUsername2 · 13/12/2024 18:11

That does sounds shit. Why are some people so shit 😫

I wouldn’t bother with his next birthday.

Get yourself some wine and crisps at least!

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 13/12/2024 18:11

BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 18:02

He says he will, but 13 years of experience tells me that if I don't do it, it won't be done.

Show quote history

What's the point of this man?

Darkdiamond · 13/12/2024 18:14

namechange1986 · 13/12/2024 17:54

You got flowers, lunch, and are going on a child-free night away in a hotel.

Oh. Come. On. You must be a troll. No adult with any sense of nuance would not be able to see the issue here.

susiedaisy1912 · 13/12/2024 18:15

Don't just hope he remembers next year op. It's unacceptable for him not to get a card for the kids to give you. My exh was useless at getting me anything so I used to tell him what I wanted and made sure he got it, not a great way to make sure your birthday is remembered but better than it being completely ignored and you ending up crying yourself to sleep year after year.

TitusMoan · 13/12/2024 18:23

When’s his birthday? Don’t bother with it.

RaininSummer · 13/12/2024 18:29

Thoughtless dickhead OP sorry you had a rubbish birthday

CrikeyMajikey · 13/12/2024 18:32

I’d go to the hotel alone, have a room service dinner, nice bubble bath, early night, leisurely breakfast, hit the shops and arrive home on Saturday in time for dinner.

Tittat50 · 13/12/2024 18:35

Happy Birthday Lovely.

Is he always like this? I think people really deserve truth and honesty, even if it is glaringly obvious how shite he is. Game playing is just silly so give him mature honesty. He'll probably gaslight you ( word of the month) so trust most of us here when we tell you - this is really shit of him. It is not you!

Do you really want the hotel!? If you don't, cancel it.
You need to be in a calm, zen place when you talk to him about this. And you should.

I'd speak to him in the exact way I would my son tbh. I'd say, I am really hurt and feel completely unvalued as your wife and mum to our kids. I put so much thought and effort into you and today I have felt like nobody.

He will most likely put it on you and say ' but look, I've done this etc etc'. Or ' I didn't think you'd care so much '.

You stay calm and firm - I care, I care alot. I would have done this for you ( give examples).

Then you go from there. If he owns this, apologises and tries to make it up, I'm sure he will remember not to do this anytime soon. If he tries to make out you're the problem here and doesn't hear you - I wouldn't be able to tolerate this type of human in my life. ( Appreciate you can't LTB over this, but I'd be really assessing my life and what I give to this person).

Patienceinshortsupply · 13/12/2024 18:39

Cancel the childminder, and go on your own leaving him with the kids. It's an effortless gift from him, so book room service, take a good book or two, and then make your way home very very slowly on Sunday.

Original poster
BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 18:40

TitusMoan · 13/12/2024 18:23

When’s his birthday? Don’t bother with it.

June. He was 40 this year. I spent an obscene amount of money taking him away to the US for a week because he'd always wanted to go. I saved up for 2 years to afford it and persuaded my Dad to come and look after the kids for a week. That was at the beginning of the year because the weather was better at the destination, so when it got to June of this year, I felt guilty because it had been 6 months since his present. So then I got him a brand new Samsung tablet that he'd been lusting after for ages and gave him two weekends in a row 'off' because Father's Day weekend fell right before his bday weekend.
On his bday, the kids and I planned him a surprise birthday tea party with a cake and his favourite foods.
The more I write down, the more stupid I feel...

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyWilliams · 13/12/2024 18:43

The hotel he's booked is the same place we got married. I'd be way too sad being there alone.

I half thought about going off tonight and booking myself a hotel and leaving him to deal with the mess of a house and bedtime for the kids but then I chickened out.

OP posts:
Houseplanter · 13/12/2024 18:43

namechange1986 · 13/12/2024 17:54

You got flowers, lunch, and are going on a child-free night away in a hotel.

You're either as thoughtless and selfish as the OPs husband or deliberately nasty.

Happy Birthday OP, I completely understand xx

ihatecoffee · 13/12/2024 18:47

For a start I wouldn't have anyone sleeping in my bed! Is he seriously suggesting that the childminder and her partner sleep in your marital bed?! 😳

Tittat50 · 13/12/2024 18:50

You're not silly at all. But no game playing. Just tell him the full depth of how you feel! His reaction will tell you all you need to know. It's as simple as that.
Don't play games. You have children watching you all the time and they learn.

You're a warm giving person, you are not silly! If you don't want the hotel,very kindly say that you don't feel up to it but you really appreciated the gesture and can he cancel it.

Then tell him how you feel and why. No dramatics. Teach him to do better. If he doesn't listen then maybe reassess him and what you give to this marriage.