Open relationship

teentantrums · 13/12/2024 16:27

It's a no from me. How long have you been married? Remind him he promised to be faithful!

Chowtime · 13/12/2024 16:28

Nah! I share my lover with nobody.

StoatWood · 13/12/2024 16:29

It would be end of marriage for me.

TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 16:29

So he wants an affair and expects you to agree to it ?

I expect he’s already found the person he wants sex with and he’s gaslighting you into going along with it

something2say · 13/12/2024 16:30

He wants to sleep with other women. That would be a hard no from me. How do you feel about him sleeping with other women? Do you want to sleep with other men?

Vaxtable · 13/12/2024 16:30

Tell him if he wants an extra relationship he can leave and go find one

username299 · 13/12/2024 16:32

Course he does.

TheSilkWorm · 13/12/2024 16:37

Yes we do, but we did from the start. He's basically asking to have an affair and obviously the answer should be no. The answer should also be see you in the divorce court TBH.

Curtainqueen · 13/12/2024 16:38

TheSilkWorm · 13/12/2024 16:37

Yes we do, but we did from the start. He's basically asking to have an affair and obviously the answer should be no. The answer should also be see you in the divorce court TBH.

Why wasn’t it for you?

TheSilkWorm · 13/12/2024 16:40

Curtainqueen · 13/12/2024 16:38

Why wasn’t it for you?

Show quote history

That's not what I said, I said we do have an open relationship but we did from the start. Very different to someone's husband randomly asking for permission to date someone else!

ChessorBuckaroo · 13/12/2024 16:41

Hmm...has he just been reading this? (published today by the Guardian from an episode earlier in the year)

https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2024/dec/13/revisited-have-open-marriages-gone-mainstream

Revisited: Have open marriages gone mainstream?

From therapy sessions to bookshelves, interest in non-monogamous relationships seem to be soaring

https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2024/dec/13/revisited-have-open-marriages-gone-mainstream

WrylyAmused · 13/12/2024 16:59

I'm in a (theoretically) poly relationship and I agree with @TheSilkWorm .
(Theoretically because we're both too busy with other life for other partners ATM, but we're both happy with the concept and it has been a thing in the past)

If you go into a relationship being upfront about wanting a poly/open relationship right from the start, that's fine, people can accept or decline on that basis.

Trying to unilaterally change the whole basis of the relationship after years of monogamy and presumably monogamous marriage, not ok.
One partner is not keen - not ok.

Having discussions over time to explore it and both people are curious, positive and want to try, and have great communication about what it could mean for their relationship, then possibly ok.

Also, @hadenough24 , what is his response if you ask about you having other partners as well? Many of the so-called "open" husbands when I hear about this scenario, they seem to believe that the "open" should only apply to them...

StrawberryWater · 13/12/2024 17:00

Hmmmm

I bet you a thousand pounds that while he's happy to have a girlfriend the minute you were to start having a boyfriend he wouldn't like it.

Blogswife · 13/12/2024 17:05

Absolutely not. Each to their own but I’d be divorcing him for suggesting it !

slightlydistrac · 13/12/2024 17:11

"...he says he needs that extra relationship"

= he wants to shag other people. This isn't about wanting a 'relationship' with someone else, he just wants the freedom to sleep around.

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 17:21

Don’t agree to it OP, he wants extra sex, he doesn’t “need” it. How awful, that would be the end of the marriage for me. I only want to be with someone who wants only me! Sex is a special part of our relationship and having an open relationship would ruin this.

UniqueOP · 13/12/2024 17:33

hadenough24 · 13/12/2024 16:25

My husband wants an open relationship. Does anyone here have one? Does it work? I'm not keen but he says he needs that extra relationship.

The issue with husbands who want an open relationship is that usually they are not OK with their wife doing the same thing. Have you clarified with him that it's the same rules for you both? Not saying that you want to do this, just saying it's the principle. I think what often happens is that if a wife seizes the opportunity presented by her husband, she often pays for it in some way, like the husband sulking.

I'm sure I read on here about a woman in a similar situation as you. They ended up opening the marriage and she had lots of offers and had a whale of a time, while he didn't have so many offers and stayed home.

This must be heart-breaking for you. I can't tell you what to do, but in your shoes I'd be seriously re-evaluating the marriage and my entire life.

To try to find the silver lining, I guess him bringing this up is an opportunity for a re-set of your life.

I can't see anything good coming of opening a marriage, unless both partners are experienced in the whole extra-sex/swinging/whatever lifestyle and equally into it. And that's not most people.

Coconutter24 · 13/12/2024 17:42

“I'm not keen but he says he needs that extra relationship.”

Then you say no

I personally would be devastated if my DH asked this of me and I couldn’t stay being married to him. I wouldn’t have an open relationship but equally I’d know I’m not enough for him so I won’t be letting him have an easy time by having his cake and eating it

Catbabymammy · 13/12/2024 17:46

I think he’s already cheating and is trying to sanction it.

Original poster

hadenough24 · 13/12/2024 18:35

Thanks for the replies. I'm not dead against the idea, which is why I'm curious to hear from those who are in one.
I have been in group sex situations in the past so am quite adventurous.
We have been together a very long time.
The problem is I love our life and family. I don't want it to change. And in that, I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to be a fool.
Yes he is already 'talking' to someone and he's admitted he doesn't want to end that relationship with her.
It is hurtful.
But could I too be having some fun?
I'm scared about shitty men, I could be putting myself in actual danger.
I don't know what to do really.
He IS being selfish, I can see that.
He says he's happy with me seeing other men. His fantasy is actually seeing me with other men. Is he weird? Or are lots of men like this?
Would be good to hear from a male perspective maybe

OP posts:

TheSilkWorm · 13/12/2024 18:45

He's not weird, loads of men are like this, but not many women are! My DH never forgets how lucky he is to have a wife who is adventurous 😆 If you've done group things together then you know in part what this is all about, but group together is very different to solo separately and just because you enjoy the first doesn't mean the second will be ok.

username299 · 13/12/2024 18:47

IMO you're opening a can of worms. He's already involved with someone and wants to sleep with her. If he doesn't mind you being with other men it sounds like he's disengaged from your relationship.

I've never known a monogamous relationship to survive opening it up. It needs a lot of communication and trust but he's already cheating.

Think very carefully about this.

dontcryformeargentina · 13/12/2024 18:50

Whether you agree or not, he will still do it. So , use this opportunity to explore your options. Why not? He is one foot out anyway

Yellow38 · 13/12/2024 18:50

hadenough24 · 13/12/2024 18:35

Thanks for the replies. I'm not dead against the idea, which is why I'm curious to hear from those who are in one.
I have been in group sex situations in the past so am quite adventurous.
We have been together a very long time.
The problem is I love our life and family. I don't want it to change. And in that, I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to be a fool.
Yes he is already 'talking' to someone and he's admitted he doesn't want to end that relationship with her.
It is hurtful.
But could I too be having some fun?
I'm scared about shitty men, I could be putting myself in actual danger.
I don't know what to do really.
He IS being selfish, I can see that.
He says he's happy with me seeing other men. His fantasy is actually seeing me with other men. Is he weird? Or are lots of men like this?
Would be good to hear from a male perspective maybe

Is he in love with the other woman (and you) or is it just physical?

I wouldn't be able to handle this either way in a relationship. The thoughts and jealousy would eat me up. But if you don't have that feeling then... maybe?

Normallynumb · 13/12/2024 18:54

By open relationship he means an affair!
He's asking for permission to cheat, an open relationship is agreed from the start, if both parties want that