AIBU to struggle with my husband's attraction to transwomen and feel like a doormat?

[doormat101]

I find trans issues really difficult to talk about because of a negative experience with a trans person in the past. My husband is attracted to trans people and often gets defensive or angry when I talk about how some transwomen are demanding access to women-only spaces. We both know he's attracted to trans people, but when I ask him about it, he clamps up and says I won't like the answer.

He expects me to accept him fully, but I find certain aspects of his sexuality repulsive. I try to offer a space for him to talk, and I genuinely want to understand his world, but the idea of him being with a transwoman still makes me uncomfortable.

This whole situation has made me nervous and anxious, especially since he had a one-night stand with a man a year ago and has been cruising chat sites on and off since then. I feel like I'm putting up with a lot and I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and struggle with accepting everything about him? How do I manage these feelings without feeling like a doormat?

What do you get out of the relationship?

Why are you still with a man who has openly cheated and probably more than the once he’s admitted?

Why do you need to manage your feelings and accept something you’re not comfortable with?

It does sound to me like your DH is potentially gay

I think if you’re struggling to accept him fully & you find some of his sexuality repulsive, I think your answer is there. How could you be with someone when you find apart of them repulsive? Secondly to that how long have you been married what this one night stand before you? Why does he go onto online chat sites?

especially since he had a one-night stand with a man a year ago and has been cruising chat sites on and off since then. I feel like I'm putting up with a lot and I don't know what to do

There's your problem, him cruising chat sites and having one night stands.
Not who he is or isn't attracted to.

Divorce is your only possible choice if you want to live well and not have you self confidence intact

Whether the target of his interest is trans, non-trans, a purple alien or a giraffe is totally irrelevant. Your husband has a roving eye and low empathy for you. Just dump.

Edit: Thought it was a BF not a "D"H! I still think leaving him is the best option.

Sounds like he shouldn't be married.
He's not ready or willing to make the commitment.
You've made the commitment. He hasn't.
Time for you to ship out ?

It sounds like your husband is gay.

you are allowed to want to end the marriage on that basis

What are the barriers preventing you from divorcing him and how can we help you to find solutions?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and struggle with accepting everything about him? How do I manage these feelings without feeling like a doormat?

The trans issue is almost a bit if a red herring, your husband is openly telling you he’s attracted to other people and is acting on that attraction. You don’t need to manage your feelings, you need to end the marriage.

He is not heterosexual, he has cheated at least once, he is gaslighting you into accepting his abusive behaviour. You find him repulsive and no wonder.

Leave him to sort out his own issues, and get on with the rest of your life.

Get tested. If he's cheated once there may be more you don't know about

This isn't a trans issue it's a cheating and disrespectful DH issue. He sounds sleazy - no wonder you're anxious. I honestly can't see a good future for you with this man.

It’s fine for him to not want to talk to you about who he thinks is attractive in the privacy of his own head. It’s not fine for him to cheat, whether that’s with somebody male or somebody female. You’re inexplicably hung up on on the wrong problem in your relationship.

WomensSports. I take your point and agree.
just wanted to remind others that there are actual laws against interfering with giraffes.
Anything does not go.
You never know who's reading this . . .

What on earth does he actually bring to your relationship? Sounds like nothing but heartache to me

i would be leaving

Why should you 'manage your feelings'? HE is the one in the wrong, HE has broken your trust, HE has unreasonable expectations of you, HE is treating you cruelly.

You need to ask yourself questions about why you think you should put up with such awful treatment? Why do you have such a low bar around your self-worth?

Get a good therapist; reinforce your space, plan your exit.

Does it? Why not bi?

Not that it makes much difference to the OP. @doormat101 it's fine to leave a marriage for any reason, let alone because you husband repulses you or that he cheats.

Hopefully you've been having frequent comprehensive STD screenings while still with the cheater.

Together for 24 years.

He's cruising online chat sites because he says he's lonely. He struggles with forming and maintaining relationships and also struggles with emotional regulation. He is autistic and has a psych app in Jan querying bipolar.

I am financial dependent on him. I also have a chronic illness which he supports me with. We have 2 kids. I am estranged from all my bio family. I have no one I can just up and go too.

Just because it's come up a few times

• he had a std screen - all negative
• he says he's pansexual

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who banged on about who he found attractive and went looking for sex with other people, regardless of whether those other people were male or female. If you want a monogamous relationship then you have every right to set that boundary. You don't have to make a special exception for a man who is also attracted to other men.

I think there are two issues here that need separating out.

The first issue is that he has cheated on you, and is openly seeking to do so again, it seems. Is this acceptable to you? Do you accept an open arrangement or one where he can have sex with other people?

The second is then his sexuality and attraction to trans or same sex people, and how you feel about that and about him as whole person.

His sexuality does not excuse cheating so don't allow him to use one to defend the other.

It must be tough after so long together but this sounds incredibly unhealthy and I can't see how either of you are going to feel respected and fulfilled in this relationship, I'm sorry OP.

The only way to not be a doormat is to leave him.