AIBU to struggle with my husband's attraction to transwomen and feel like a doormat?

[doormat101]

I find trans issues really difficult to talk about because of a negative experience with a trans person in the past. My husband is attracted to trans people and often gets defensive or angry when I talk about how some transwomen are demanding access to women-only spaces. We both know he's attracted to trans people, but when I ask him about it, he clamps up and says I won't like the answer.

He expects me to accept him fully, but I find certain aspects of his sexuality repulsive. I try to offer a space for him to talk, and I genuinely want to understand his world, but the idea of him being with a transwoman still makes me uncomfortable.

This whole situation has made me nervous and anxious, especially since he had a one-night stand with a man a year ago and has been cruising chat sites on and off since then. I feel like I'm putting up with a lot and I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and struggle with accepting everything about him? How do I manage these feelings without feeling like a doormat?

The problem is not any hypotethical attraction he has to trans people. The issue is he is a cheat. He phyiscally cheated on you and now he is emotionally cheating on you by cruising hook up sites. The fact he shagged a dude probably makes it feel worse but the real issue is his failure to keep it in his pants. Have you considered divorce?

Amazing how lonely for men seems to mean getting their sexual kicks elsewhere, it's never just a friendly chat.

OP, I'm assuming you don't work because of your condition? Do you get financial help?

It doesn't matter what your DH says his sexuality is, he's married and that means it's immaterial whether the other person is male or female. ND may make it harder for him to make friends but he must understand that a ONS is different

He's not pansexual. Pansexual people use the biphobic rhetoric "hearts over parts". He's very much attracted to parts though, isn't he? Specifically, the parts attached to men and (pre op, I'd assume, if you asked him) trans women.

Which must be very unpleasant for him. However neither neuro divergence or mental health conditions are a free pass to trample the boundaries that are typically implicit in a marriage unless agreed otherwise. His reasons do not negate the consequences for you, so are moot. Its a common tactic to frame unacceptable behaviour as something that can't be helped due to this or that, and so therefore should be tolerated (if you loved me, you'd understand how lonely I am and that I'm the victim here, not you!) you don't have to accept this.

He struggles with forming and maintaining relationships and also struggles with emotional regulation. He is autistic and has a psych app in Jan querying bipolar.

What does “struggles with emotional regulation” mean, is that a euphemism for violent or aggressive behaviour by any chance?

Contact women’s aid. They will help you and your children leave is abusive relationship. They will support you by getting you into accommodation, sorting out support for your chronic illness, benefits you’re entitled to, etc.

It doesn’t matter if is saying he’s had a health screening. Get checked out anyway because I wouldn’t trust a thing he says.

If you’re married, you’re entitled to half of any assets and he will have to pay child maintenance if your children are under 18.

Call women’s aid today. This is a terrible environment for you and your children to be stuck in. There is a way out and you do have options.