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Original poster

Can't make sense of this

26 replies

Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:36

Met a male almost 2 years ago. He used to come in and do training courses at my work. We have once or twice been in a position to chat outside of work and been at a work party together. We've always got along and 1 or 2 members of staff have noted and commented there's a crush between us.

Him and his long term partner split up for a while then she moved back In to try again and it failed. He started messaging me. We have so far

Met up for a coffee
Had a Chinese and drinks at mine.
Called in after work for a cuppa with his dog.
We've slept together twice too. So there has been 5 occasions. Communication has been great..very warm. Chatty. Lots of humour. Throughout the days. The morning after sex the first time he took hours to reply. It did make me feel abit worried i had been used. But then he was fine again.

Last night was the second night we had sex. He messaged when he got home. Said he wanted to arrange a film night one evening this week after work and he was going to drive us to walk his dog near a nice lake at the weekend.

I am abit shocked that he just hasn't replied to my message today saying good morning how are you? He always messages in the morning. He's always messaging even when at work. I haven't heard a thing. This is the longest ever and I know its not looking good.

I'm just a little bit confused as to what he's woken up like this morning. He seemed happy last night.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 12/12/2024 15:38

You’re reading too much into it, I know it wicks when the morning after we want closeness but it seems the majority of men don’t! But if everything else is ok, I’d not worry too much

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 12/12/2024 15:39

Slow fade! He’s got what he wanted.

Kosenrufugirl · 12/12/2024 15:39

Maybe he is still processing the nice time. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage

Original poster
Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:40

MiddleagedBeachbum · 12/12/2024 15:38

You’re reading too much into it, I know it wicks when the morning after we want closeness but it seems the majority of men don’t! But if everything else is ok, I’d not worry too much

It feels like he freaks out the morning after seeing me. He's never not messaged by 11am. If I hear nothing should I just not message anymore? Or should I send another asking at some stage?

OP posts:
Original poster
Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:41

So weird though he was laid on my bed with his dog and when he got home he said I knew My dog would love you. It really is a massive drop in convo.

OP posts:
MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 15:43

Well, it’s not exactly loves young dream, is it? You’ve had five ‘dates’, two for sex, one cuppa on his way home from work with his dog, one coffee, one takeaway at your house, and his next plans are a dog walk at the weekend and a film night in? I mean, call me high-maintenance but this says ‘together for years and not making an effort’ rather than ‘new relationship’.

Waterboatlass · 12/12/2024 15:44

What is it you're hoping for, casual or a relationship?

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 15:47

I’ll be honest it sounds like he’s gone out of an LTR, knows you fancy him and is looking for a casual rebound thing as as a bit of light relief.

You've not even been out on dates it’s all vey low effort.

Waterboatlass · 12/12/2024 15:47

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 15:43

Well, it’s not exactly loves young dream, is it? You’ve had five ‘dates’, two for sex, one cuppa on his way home from work with his dog, one coffee, one takeaway at your house, and his next plans are a dog walk at the weekend and a film night in? I mean, call me high-maintenance but this says ‘together for years and not making an effort’ rather than ‘new relationship’.

Yes, I was aiming at this tbh. It all feels a bit pally and low effort. Not saying he has to be taking you to the Ritz but slipping into domesticity isn't necessarily a great thing.

Original poster
Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:53

I know we don't have a car between us and its early days. So I was hoping we would start going on the train and things. I dont mind the more casual stuff aswel as its nice to have some company. I did actually ask him what he wanted from the connection and he said to see how it goes. I asked if it was FWB and he didn't say yes. Just wanted to wait and see how we go..

OP posts:
Original poster
Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:54

Are coffee dates and dog walks talking and laughing not effort then? Genuine question. What would you expect in the first 2 weeks?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 12/12/2024 15:56

Don’t message him. Don’t chase him. If a man likes you he will make the effort to be in contact with you, to arrange things with you. If he doesn’t, he’s not seeing you as a relationship option. Don’t listen to anything he says. Talk is cheap. Watch his actions. Whatever you do though, do NOT chase after him.

Collette78 · 12/12/2024 16:05

Maybe just see what happens over the next few days. Perhaps he just isn’t as ready as he thought he was to start dating, I think people can fall into a trap of trying to fill the gap by starting up conversations with other people too soon.

Original poster
Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 16:49

Waterboatlass · 12/12/2024 15:44

What is it you're hoping for, casual or a relationship?

I think It's more being mislead than wanting anything major at the moment. I want honesty. Like are we seeing how it goes to see if we want to be together. Or is this just abit of fun.
I'm worried he's exaggerated his feelings for me. He did say he'd had feelings for me for ages.

Still not heard from him and he finishes work at 4pm so I think he's panicked and pulled back. Just not sure why.

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 12/12/2024 16:52

He was chasing you, so he was nice, then he had sex and couldn't be bothered with you. I'm really sorry, but that's what's happened.

It wouldn't surprise me if he's still with his girlfriend.

Extraspecial · 12/12/2024 17:12

I can’t see why he would be panicking. It’s more likely he has had sex so doesn’t need to contact you until the next time he is feeling horny. Sorry to put it like that op but the fact he has done that twice and you haven’t even been out together suggests that is what he is after rather than a relationship.

These days I don’t see men in my own home nor do I go to theirs in the early weeks as too many of them want this set up. I always say, I would prefer a night out.

AltitudeCheck · 12/12/2024 17:13

He had sex last night so this morning he's not feeling as horny as usual and so you haven't really crossed his mind. Give him a few days, he'll start feeling the urge again and then he'll drop back into your messages, flatter you, offer to pop over... you get the picture?

You asked him what he wanted... he knows if he was honest and said casual sex / someone to call on when he wanted some affection because he's feeling a bit down since his LTR ended then you probably wouldn't be very impressed, he didn't feel comfortable telling a complete lie and faking interest in a relationship so he gave a wishy washy reply so that when he does fade you out or meet someone else he can say he didn't lead you on etc

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 17:16

Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:54

Are coffee dates and dog walks talking and laughing not effort then? Genuine question. What would you expect in the first 2 weeks?

The first few dates I’d expect drinks at a nice bar and a couple of dinners at least before he stepped foot in my house.

Being honest, recently separated men are never a good idea if you’re looking for something more than casual as it takes time to process a break up and be in the right head space to properly move on

AltitudeCheck · 12/12/2024 17:16

And when he says he had 'feelings' for a while... he just means he's thought about having sex with you before but didn't act on it because he had a girlfriend. Most men's 'feelings' start in their pants!

ginasevern · 12/12/2024 17:39

Agree with the above poster - most men's emotions are in their dicks. Maybe he's with someone else in the mornings, are you sure he's split with his gf?

orangewasp · 12/12/2024 17:53

He had sex last night so this morning he's not feeling as horny as usual and so you haven't really crossed his mind. Give him a few days, he'll start feeling the urge again and then he'll drop back into your messages, flatter you, offer to pop over... you get the picture?

This is spot on.

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 19:25

Koalalolz · 12/12/2024 15:54

Are coffee dates and dog walks talking and laughing not effort then? Genuine question. What would you expect in the first 2 weeks?

Dinners, drinks, theatre or concerts, or whatever other interesting things might be on locally — along those lines. Coffee dates for me are a ‘deliberately non-committal, brief first date’ when the person is a total stranger and I’m not sure I want to waste the price of a drink on him. And definitely out, not in my house or his, even if I plan to sleep with him.

Kosenrufugirl · 12/12/2024 21:48

TipsyJoker · 12/12/2024 15:56

Don’t message him. Don’t chase him. If a man likes you he will make the effort to be in contact with you, to arrange things with you. If he doesn’t, he’s not seeing you as a relationship option. Don’t listen to anything he says. Talk is cheap. Watch his actions. Whatever you do though, do NOT chase after him.

Excellent advice

Original poster
Koalalolz · 13/12/2024 03:52

So he has remained silent. So I've been ghosted 👻 no idea why.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/12/2024 04:32

Oh. You know why. You just don’t want to admit it.

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