Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he's been sexting another woman

53 replies

Kittysparkleblue · 11/12/2024 17:28

Found out partner of 1 year has been sexting another woman. The msgs are very explicit. Videos ,photosnthe lot. She has willingly shown me all of the screenshots.
He told he was single. She found out from a mutual friends birthdays party post on FB that showed photos of him and I together that indeed he was not single.
She did some stalking and found me ( thank fully) he does not know I know. She has left it to me to do as I wish with the messages.
He has no idea.
I found out this morning. He has msg the normal hi how are you today , chatty msg , I haven't even opened it. That was at 12 pm.
At the moment I doubt he will notice I'm being different as some days I don't get a chance to msg till late afternoon evening due to my job etc.
Time is ticking on he will start msging and calling if I do not open the msg or respond by this evening.
Advice please , how should I play this?

I have an idea to meet for a coffee and end it tomorrow take time off work ( he is self employed so easy enough to do) I can swap my shifts so not a problem.

I really do not want to end it over msgs , I want to see his face, and see how much he is willing to lie to me.
Want to do it face to face for my own clarity amd closure.

Please give me the strength not to msg him about this tonight.
I am truly heartbroken, however I know I will be alright.
We had christmas planned together as both of our own children have christmas with the other parent this year. It is my birthday on Saturday, stuff all planned together.

I am done I will never ever trust this man again. I feel sick.
He was or I though he was the kindest , most well rounded decent man I had met.... boy was I wrong here!!!

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 11/12/2024 20:30

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2024 20:12

I'd just message 'Well Well, Jim there something you probably should have told me about?' And let him shit himself.

Watch as the panic grips him xD

Maybe play with it a bit. Don't respond to anything he sends for a while. Let him almost give the game away and then be like 'I saw your mum yesterday and she said you don't even like marshmallows in your hot chocolate, even though you assured me you did the other week'. Let him sign in relief.

And then add 'oh yeah, and you're shagging someone else'.

Then 'bellend' then, block

Edited

I like this!

Namechange2272 · 11/12/2024 20:37

I think I'd just block and let him stay puzzled and confused

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 11/12/2024 20:41

To be honest I would just ghost. It’s only been a year. If you aren’t open to discussing staying together (absolutely the right decision not to stay together by the way) and there’s no going back then why even give him the courtesy and respect to break up with him properly? What has he done to deserve that?
Just absolutely disappear and he’ll be left feeling utterly at a loose end and drive him to distraction. I would block, but I would also want to see the unanswered messages from him go from “hey… what’s going on?” To maybe “I’ve heard you may have heard some untrue things about me. Let me explain” to “Well if you won’t even let me explain myself then I won’t even bother. Goodbye forever” to the eventual 3am text in a few months saying “hey.”
It’s all pretty predictable and pathetic and satisfying to watch.

Original poster
Kittysparkleblue · 11/12/2024 20:45

Thanks so much for all of your replies, fantastic responses on here.
I have now opened his last msg and left it on read. I've archived him as I needed some time to process all of this.
I'm going to switch my phone off and try to get some sleep soon. I will decide as soon as I wake up if I need to see him face to face or end it through text.
It's defin6not about hearing what he has to say if I meet him face to face. There's nothing he can say to change how I'm feeling right now. I will never trust him again. Trust is incredibly Important to me to feel safe.
It's about saying goodbye for closure for myself not him.
I've thought about the things of his I have here and the things I have at his place.
We can post everything to each other... or ill buy new. I won't be stepping foot inside his place again. I feel sick at the thought of it.
The hurt in my heart is strong but I feel it's more about the waste of a year than anything else.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2024 20:45

The only thing with ghosting is, it might them think 'well a women did it for no reason to me so I can do it to women'. As he doesn't know you know he's been cheating.

Original poster
Kittysparkleblue · 11/12/2024 20:46

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2024 20:45

The only thing with ghosting is, it might them think 'well a women did it for no reason to me so I can do it to women'. As he doesn't know you know he's been cheating.

I agree, I won't be ghosting. It's not me at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittysparkleblue · 11/12/2024 22:13

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 11/12/2024 20:41

To be honest I would just ghost. It’s only been a year. If you aren’t open to discussing staying together (absolutely the right decision not to stay together by the way) and there’s no going back then why even give him the courtesy and respect to break up with him properly? What has he done to deserve that?
Just absolutely disappear and he’ll be left feeling utterly at a loose end and drive him to distraction. I would block, but I would also want to see the unanswered messages from him go from “hey… what’s going on?” To maybe “I’ve heard you may have heard some untrue things about me. Let me explain” to “Well if you won’t even let me explain myself then I won’t even bother. Goodbye forever” to the eventual 3am text in a few months saying “hey.”
It’s all pretty predictable and pathetic and satisfying to watch.

That does sound quite satisfying actually 🤣

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 11/12/2024 22:20

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2024 20:45

The only thing with ghosting is, it might them think 'well a women did it for no reason to me so I can do it to women'. As he doesn't know you know he's been cheating.

I really think this man isn’t that deep. He’ll know in any conscience he has that he’s been found out but without having it confirmed it’ll mess with his head with wondering. Which is pretty justified.

Bittenonce · 12/12/2024 06:58

Just do it now - quickly - however you decide to do it, as it will gnaw away at you until it happens. And when you do it, be prepared to feel hurt all over again, I'm afraid.

ZekeZeke · 12/12/2024 07:04

Who knows how many other women he’s been messaging or meeting?
Get yourself tested for an STD, he is a cheater.

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 12/12/2024 07:06

I'd message him 'Had a lovely conversation with Sarah (whatever her name is), the pics where quite an eye opener. Do not contact me again.'

Nothing else.

BilboBlaggin · 12/12/2024 07:16

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 12/12/2024 07:06

I'd message him 'Had a lovely conversation with Sarah (whatever her name is), the pics where quite an eye opener. Do not contact me again.'

Nothing else.

If you can afford to lose the items you have at his place then I'd do just this, then block him so he can't try and headfuck you.

Guavafish1 · 12/12/2024 07:21

i think you shouldn’t bother seeing him again. It a waste of time. He is not the man he says he is! I think you need to move one with your life.

it hurts now… but better to know now then 10 years down the line.

you’ve done nothing wrong … don’t over analyse it.

GreyCarpet · 12/12/2024 07:34

Cattery · 11/12/2024 20:27

I’d just send him the screenshots and leave it at that.

I'd do this.

And not another word.

I wouldn't waste my time meeting up with him. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to male me doubt myself (which is easily done when you wish it were different).

Women often assume a man will feel bad if he seems she is upset. IME, this isn't the case with someone who cares so little for you. His focus will be on preserving his self image so he will lie. Not to make you feel better but to make himself look better.

If you don't say anything but send him the screenshots, then he will be the one feeling out of sorts, uncomfortable and blindsided and it won't sit well with him that he hasn't had chance to defend him himself.

Either that, or he won't care. So don't waste your time.

I'd use the time you planned to spend meeting him doing something more interesting instead. That's how you get past shit like this. Taking control and prioritising yourself.

Gloriia · 12/12/2024 07:49

I don't want to minimise but he's a bf of a year. No kids, no mortgage, no ties?

You need to give this as little headspace as possible just end it via text then block him and move on. Sorry, it is very shit Flowers.

NoPrivateSpy · 12/12/2024 07:54

OP, I am so sorry. What an absolutely despicable thing to do. He is beyond an arsehole. And you sound wonderful and very dignified. I hope you are ok Flowers

leia24 · 12/12/2024 07:57

Having done the face to face confrontation in the past.. don't bother. Just ring him and say listen, I know what you've been doing, you're a cheat and I don't want anything to do with you. Doing it face to face just creates more pain for you and gives him more opportunity to try to talk his way out of it. Do it sooner and then you've got more time to heal.

pontyfitty · 12/12/2024 08:00

Girl you need to tell him he’s a fucktard and move on. He doesn’t deserve face to face convo - text him and tell him you know he’s a cheat. Then block, delete, move on.

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2024 08:03

STD test. Block and move on. It's a drama but you can decide how much of a drama you want it to be. Don't allow him to take up any more of your time or headspace.

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2024 08:04

And if he's left anything at yours bag it up and leave at 3rd party like his work.

smallsilvercloud · 12/12/2024 08:08

Don't waste your time meeting him, surely that would only make you feel more hurt.
I'd just send one short and direct message explaining you know from that woman and don't wish to speak again then block.
It's possible he already knows you know, if the ow got angry and told him what she did.

1nderful · 12/12/2024 11:49

Everyone here is telling you similar things, let the guy stew for a bit, toy with his guilty conscience, call him something rudely appropriate, tell him what you've found out. Even you needed to have a lie down, process the betrayal. I think it's going to hit like a freight train once the shock wears off. Get yourself a sexual health screening before anything. You don't know for sure where else he's been whilst with you. Confirm you're all clear then vanish into thin air. No, you're not "ghosting" you're making a cheating ex irrelevant with just cause.

Be that rare enigma who left a guy puzzled and scared of what you may or may not have known. For good. Never contact the idiot again. Then go out this weekend with your friends, happily single..Xmas season after all. Bear in mind, mystery woman didn't spare him. She's not going to be shy spreading her news elsewhere (he lied to her also) it will eventually reach him and you'll be long gone.

Job done without lifting a finger

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 12/12/2024 12:39

Sending you a hug and lots of encouragement, OP. You must be hurting so much.

I wouldn’t meet him, as that will just hurt you more and also give him a chance to wheedle his way back. He’s not the kind and decent man you thought, so you don’t want him in your life.

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 06:14

How has it gone, @Kittysparkleblue ?

superplumb · 15/12/2024 07:14

He's lied to you and her. Good for her to tell you tho. She has done you a favour.
This xmas will be shit. No doubt. I'd forward him the messages you've been sent. Tell him to fuck off. Block him. Move on.
View 2025 as a new beginning. Better you've seen this now than 5 years down the road.