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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner a narcissist?

28 replies

Timeturner1 · 11/12/2024 09:37

I’m beginning to think that something is definitely going on.

I’ll give an example. I had my hair cut by a male stylist. When he found out he had a massive go at me and called me a whore, then didn’t speak to me for ages. Apparently it was my fault that he got jealous.

Every time he feels something bad it is always mine or someone else’s fault. We could be in a street and he thinks someone is looking at him wrong and he’ll walk up and ask them what’s their problem, they never have any idea what he’s talking about.

If it’s something good then he’ll have no issues accepting this even if it’s nothing to do with him. For example I put down the deposit on our house but apparently he enabled me to do this.

OP posts:
mrandmrsrobinson · 11/12/2024 09:57

Forget about analysing him. He's not a good guy. Get rid.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 09:58

Nothing suggests narcissism in your post re him but he is abusive so this relationship should be over. Abusive men always think it’s someone eises fault, never their own.

Did you ring fence your deposit?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 09:58

Do consider contacting Womens Aid re leaving him safely.

Original poster
Timeturner1 · 11/12/2024 10:00

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 09:58

Nothing suggests narcissism in your post re him but he is abusive so this relationship should be over. Abusive men always think it’s someone eises fault, never their own.

Did you ring fence your deposit?

yes I did ring fence it but he was extremely annoyed with me. He is just the most jealous person, always has a problem with someone. There is always someone at his work that he wants to leave as he thinks they think they are better than him. He thinks he is better then everyone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 10:02

You really do need to part ways with this man before he puts you in further harm’s way. He is the epitome of an abuser.

Look at his family too, what are they like?. Chances are they are like him too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 10:03

And well done for ring fencing your deposit. Of course he did not like you doing that at all.

DormantMouse · 11/12/2024 10:07

I agree with pp he is the epitome of an abuser. I was married to one of these, leave him now. He needs you to hide his abnormality.

Drcake · 11/12/2024 10:08

Possible narcissist, definite bully and suffering with a big dose of disillusionment. It doesn’t seem like a small issue that gripes you and you could work on together in your relationship. I think he needs to work on himself and come to the realisation that he has control issues and possibly self confidence issues too. From what you have described, I don’t think it’s a healthy idea for you to stick around whilst he works on this. Do not buy a house with this person, if it’s not great at the start of making these big life decisions then it’s not going to get better.

Original poster
Timeturner1 · 11/12/2024 10:25

Drcake · 11/12/2024 10:08

Possible narcissist, definite bully and suffering with a big dose of disillusionment. It doesn’t seem like a small issue that gripes you and you could work on together in your relationship. I think he needs to work on himself and come to the realisation that he has control issues and possibly self confidence issues too. From what you have described, I don’t think it’s a healthy idea for you to stick around whilst he works on this. Do not buy a house with this person, if it’s not great at the start of making these big life decisions then it’s not going to get better.

What’s the difference between a narcissist and an abuser? Not that it matters but was just wondering. Either way I’ve had enough of this now. Half the time he doesn’t like me anyway.

OP posts:
Drcake · 11/12/2024 10:33

@Timeturner1 my understanding of a narcissist is that it’s often a sliding scale, anyone might show some narcissistic behaviours at certain times and in certain situations…that’s probably okay and can be worked upon to kerb. If you’re a full blown narcissistic personality you will generally always think of yourself, this is often at the expense of others, very high self esteem to the point of over dominating in relationships. Generally they feel better than everyone else and superior in most ways. I think at the point someone’s personality is 95% narcissist and they are imposing themselves most of the time but also reducing their partners self worth…it’s into the realms of abuse.

DormantMouse · 11/12/2024 10:37

Abuser is the term for someone who harms others, often women— it’s a character definition about relationships and how one acts in them. Could be almost anyone, though some types of people are more prone.

Narcissist is a description of a sort of psychological profile where one is centred on maintaining a bearable sense of self. This often involves deflecting any bad feelings (especially shame) onto others. They are prone to abuse because of this as you’ve seen with your chap. He has a bad feeling and he doesn’t want that to be part of his self, so he tells other people it’s in them or their fault. If you stay with these guys long enough you end up full of someone else’s trash feelings. It can make you very sick. Toxic is not a metaphor.

Original poster
Timeturner1 · 11/12/2024 11:46

DormantMouse · 11/12/2024 10:37

Abuser is the term for someone who harms others, often women— it’s a character definition about relationships and how one acts in them. Could be almost anyone, though some types of people are more prone.

Narcissist is a description of a sort of psychological profile where one is centred on maintaining a bearable sense of self. This often involves deflecting any bad feelings (especially shame) onto others. They are prone to abuse because of this as you’ve seen with your chap. He has a bad feeling and he doesn’t want that to be part of his self, so he tells other people it’s in them or their fault. If you stay with these guys long enough you end up full of someone else’s trash feelings. It can make you very sick. Toxic is not a metaphor.

Makes sense. I know his dad was a drunk and not a nice man. I know because he keeps saying he wants to prove the things wrong that his dad said he was. He wants to be the best, to be perfect so show him. I am not perfect though, I have my own problems etc that I try and work through but he blames me for absolutely everything. Why we don’t have enough of this, why we don’t have a big enough house, I hold him back he says so I tell him to go then but he won’t. He wants to be the best at work, to be the most liked, to make the most money and he fights with people who get in his way, but that includes me.

OP posts:
DormantMouse · 11/12/2024 11:53

Yes. All his shortcomings are caused by other people. He’s so certain he would be amazing if it wasn’t for this or that person, all of whom actually represent elements of his own character he doesn’t like. But abracadabra the bad parts of him are now in other people instead, so he can hate them and not himself. It is a purification mechanism and an abusive one.

They can’t treat you right, these guys. I have the tshirt.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:58

He's angry. Angry men are assholes and nothing good comes of wasting our time with them. You can't change him. You will only end up being used for target practice emotionally and quite possibly physically (the emotional abuse is shitty enough. There really is NO reason for you to stick around and find out, OP).

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 12:02

And can I just add that the Everything is Everyone Else's Fault brigade suck total ass?! Sorry for my language but god help those who end up with the 'I don't take responsibility for my actions which, surprise, surprise, have consequences I will NEVER learn from' types. These are the soul destroying, oxygen sucking vampires of the world. You don't need good running shoes, OP. Lace up what you're already wearing and run. In good old fashioned MN terminology... the hills are that way >>>>>>.

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 11/12/2024 21:46

LTB

MsCactus · 11/12/2024 23:14

He's not a narcissist but he does sound like an arsehole. LTB

2025istheyear · 11/12/2024 23:15

He doesn’t sound intelligent enough to be a narcissist.

He sounds like a thug.

Does he have a job? An education?

CheekyHobson · 11/12/2024 23:20

Tbh he sounds exactly like a narcissist to me; he is self-obsessed, envious, insecure on the inside, can’t tolerate taking responsibility for errors or poor behaviour so constantly blame-shifts, rewrites reality to paint himself in a better light… all classic narcissism.

However at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter if he’s a narcissist, EUPD, some other personality issue or just a garden-variety asshole, he’s making you feel miserable so just get rid.

Copperoliverbear · 12/12/2024 01:32

Get rid of him, he's a cunt.
Dump him today.

LordBuckley · 12/12/2024 02:16

Men with this kind of pathological jealousy never improve (I speak from experience). He'll get worse and worse, and inflict it on your children if you have any. Get rid.

Original poster
Timeturner1 · 12/12/2024 07:47

I spoke to a friend a little while ago who has had some experience from a past relationship. She was the one who said he could be a narcissist as from the outside he looks like a good person. He gives to charities etc but he is very temperamental. I thought when I met him he was this perfect and kind man but underneath he is quite mean. I don’t want to continue this so will start the ball rolling. Most people think he is amazing. His mum thinks the sun shines and won’t hear anything bad about him but a few friends have heard his temper.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 12/12/2024 08:34

You need to leave him! He will get worse @Timeturner1 it doesn’t matter what people think of him, you know he’s a cunt.

Original poster
Timeturner1 · 12/12/2024 08:43

If I’m the one who makes him mad then it makes sense to remove myself, he will be happy then. I know I probably will.

OP posts: