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Original poster

Should I marry him??

32 replies

Gustavadegermark · 10/12/2024 14:55

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 year, and I think he's finally planning to propose, the problem is that I think it's going to be in the most awful way...I always wanted a proposal that is just the two of us, something romantic without any people there.. and he knows it! Lately I've been getting some clues from friends and family implying it's gonna be a big proposal with everyone...I know it'd not that of a big deal and he's trying to do something nice for me, but I can't help but thinking that this is the first step of our joined life together, and if he can't do what I really want, should I even Marry him?

OP posts:
Honeycrisp · 10/12/2024 14:58

I wouldn't base a decision as important as whether to marry someone on something as trivial as how they proposed.

That said, he's not done it yet. If you have a feeling he might do something you don't want, there's still time. Talk to the people who've been dropping hints.

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2024 15:00

The fact you’re basing the decision of if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person based on how they ask you shows that you shouldn’t marry him and that’s no shade towards him, it’s you.

if you truly loved him and the relationship was good, you wouldn’t even be asking this question.

vibratosprigato · 10/12/2024 15:01

Just talk to him. I'd say something like "hey, I've been thinking, if you ever did decide to propose, it's really important to me that it's an intimate thing between only us. I really wouldn't feel comfortable or happy with a big showy proposal". Failing that, make it explicitly clear to a friend that it must not happen in the way he's planning, and have the friend steer him back onto the right path.

Honeycrisp · 10/12/2024 15:02

Proposal culture has really got out of hand.

MounjaroUser · 10/12/2024 15:03

You could say, "I saw someone on social media proposing to his girlfriend in public. She looked so mortified and I was thinking that's exactly how I'd feel - I'd want to run a mile."

If he still proposes in public then I'd dump him for not listening to a word you say.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 10/12/2024 15:04

Agree with previous posters.

If you don’t want a big public proposal make that clear to him. You can hint and say “I would hate a proposal with others there” or be even more direct and say “when the time comes promise me it won’t be in front of others, let it be just us”.

If he still does the opposite after you saying that then I would question whether you should marry him.

LetsNCagain · 10/12/2024 15:04

Have you told him clearly that you wouldn't like a public proposal? Not hinting, telling

EmmaMaria · 10/12/2024 15:06

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2024 15:00

The fact you’re basing the decision of if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person based on how they ask you shows that you shouldn’t marry him and that’s no shade towards him, it’s you.

if you truly loved him and the relationship was good, you wouldn’t even be asking this question.

Edited

And you wouldn't be asking the opinions of a bunch of strangers on a website!

Girlmom35 · 10/12/2024 15:14

There is just way too much pressure on this proposal thing.
When did it become entirely about what you want? Why can't this also be about his experience. This may be how he wants to remember this meaningful day, the day he asked the women he loved to marry him. And maybe this is how he wants to start the rest of your life together.

If this is your big issue in an otherwise healthy relationship, then it's time to straighten your priorities. If however this proposal is bringing an underlying issue to light, meaning he never considers you and makes unilateral decisions, then the problem isn't the proposal. It's the boyfriend.

StuH1 · 10/12/2024 15:17

I proposed to my gf in February this year (she said yes).
She's would have absolutely hated a big spectale and isn't particularly romantic. I had originally planned to do it in Lanzarote in March but on a Sunday morning after going shopping and coffee I thought fuck it and did it.
I got the ring, sat her on the edge of the bed and asked her, she said for her it was the perfect way of asking.
I did ask her what would she have said if I'd done a big show of it, she said she'd have said no because she would have felt it meant I didn't know her well enough so OP I do sort of understand what you're saying

FallinUltra · 10/12/2024 15:26

Proposals with other people around are manipulative and coercive. There is far too much pressure to say ‘yes’. -so no, I wouldn’t marry someone who did that.

OhBling · 10/12/2024 15:32

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2024 15:00

The fact you’re basing the decision of if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person based on how they ask you shows that you shouldn’t marry him and that’s no shade towards him, it’s you.

if you truly loved him and the relationship was good, you wouldn’t even be asking this question.

Edited

I 100% disagree with this. It may well seem a bit petty, and it is. But if you have been clear already that you don't like the big public proposal and he's going for it anyway it suggests that, at best, he's oblivious to what you want and, at worst, isn't oblivious but doesn't care.

JFDIYOLO · 10/12/2024 15:42

Look at everything else.

Does he often do things you'd rather he didn't, in a way that makes you wonder if he even knows you, makes you feel awkward and embarrassed in other ways, makes you feel shown up in public, if that's what makes you cringe?

How does he behave in general?

You could of course, you know ...

Ask him to marry you in your own way?

MarkingBad · 10/12/2024 15:51

Why not take it out of his hands and propose to him in the way you want?

That is if you want to marry him at all.

Looneymahooney · 10/12/2024 16:01

Girlmom35 · 10/12/2024 15:14

There is just way too much pressure on this proposal thing.
When did it become entirely about what you want? Why can't this also be about his experience. This may be how he wants to remember this meaningful day, the day he asked the women he loved to marry him. And maybe this is how he wants to start the rest of your life together.

If this is your big issue in an otherwise healthy relationship, then it's time to straighten your priorities. If however this proposal is bringing an underlying issue to light, meaning he never considers you and makes unilateral decisions, then the problem isn't the proposal. It's the boyfriend.

Agreed

Nc546888 · 10/12/2024 16:03

I think you are putting too much
pressure on the perfect proposal,. If he doesn’t get the exact right ring are you also going to see this as sign from the universe that he’s the wrong man. Life isn’t perfect, as long as people have best intentions that’s the main thing :)

Nothatgingerpirate · 10/12/2024 16:08

FallinUltra · 10/12/2024 15:26

Proposals with other people around are manipulative and coercive. There is far too much pressure to say ‘yes’. -so no, I wouldn’t marry someone who did that.

Oh, there isn't!
😁

Sassybooklover · 10/12/2024 16:14

My husband hid the ring in the middle of a heart shaped box of chocolates (he removed the middle chocolate) and asked me at my parents house. My parents weren't in the room at the time though! To be honest, I didn't care where or how my husband asked, just the fact he asked was all I needed! If you really think he is going to propose, then you need to make it crystal clear to him that a public proposal would be something you'd hate. No point dropping hints. In my experience, men aren't always great at understanding hints!

CowGirl19 · 10/12/2024 16:20

Girlmom35 · 10/12/2024 15:14

There is just way too much pressure on this proposal thing.
When did it become entirely about what you want? Why can't this also be about his experience. This may be how he wants to remember this meaningful day, the day he asked the women he loved to marry him. And maybe this is how he wants to start the rest of your life together.

If this is your big issue in an otherwise healthy relationship, then it's time to straighten your priorities. If however this proposal is bringing an underlying issue to light, meaning he never considers you and makes unilateral decisions, then the problem isn't the proposal. It's the boyfriend.

This!

user2848502016 · 10/12/2024 16:58

Drop some heavy hints about how you would hate a public proposal....

Maybe he is planning a private proposal but then a party?

But I think though when someone proposes you either want to or not. If you're having doubts based on his proposal then maybe that's telling you not to marry him

maclen · 10/12/2024 18:07

Good Grief, I'm still waiting for my BF if 5 years to propose. I wouldn't cater how he did it at this point, just he meant it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Honeycrisp · 10/12/2024 18:35

maclen · 10/12/2024 18:07

Good Grief, I'm still waiting for my BF if 5 years to propose. I wouldn't cater how he did it at this point, just he meant it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Would you not think of bringing the subject up yourself?

maclen · 10/12/2024 21:56

@Honeycrisp I have actually been waiting as he always said he would marry me... If I proposed to him I would never know if he said yes just to please me. Haha.

Fireworknight · 10/12/2024 22:00

Get in first and propose to him!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 10/12/2024 22:08

MounjaroUser · 10/12/2024 15:03

You could say, "I saw someone on social media proposing to his girlfriend in public. She looked so mortified and I was thinking that's exactly how I'd feel - I'd want to run a mile."

If he still proposes in public then I'd dump him for not listening to a word you say.

Yep!