It really bugs me that my longterm boyfriend admitted he used to date a girl who he knew had a boyfriend

[FunnyPeachMentor]

It really bugs me that my longterm boyfriend admitted he used to date a girl who he knew had a boyfriend when he was 22 (now 30) He said she came up to him at a bar and they started dating then during it he figured she had a boyfriend but continued to see her anyways for 4 months.
Do I have the right to be bothered by this even if he was just 22... The moral code of it gets to me.

Well it clearly does bother you. Do you fear he will two time you as well? Does he say without prompting that it was a bad thing to do and he would not do it again?

It would bug me too because I know you have that morality unless its spoken about as something you regret and wouldn't do ever again

It would bug me because their standards seem different to the type of relationship I want with them too

I think I would let it go and try not to bring it up if I was already in a long term relationship with the person and it was years ago but if they sort of bragged about it or saw nothing inherently wrong with it I would just wonder a lot if I actually was compatible with them

He isn't bragging about it but it came up in conversation. He said he didn't know until a while into dating her but when he found out he still continued. I know it was many years ago and we are together years also but it's bad I feel.

How would you feel if he went and judged you're behavior at 22?

He knows it was wrong, but also he was lied to as well.

Why is this weighing on you?

No I don't fear he would do this again or that it's anything to do with our relationship. It just disappoints me that he did that

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 it's weighing on me a bit because it's bad that he ever did that knowingly irregardless of age

If I was your boyfriend I'd tell you to either drop it or I'd leave you. You don't have the right to judge someone for something (as long as it isn't illegal etc) that happened prior to your relationship. He doesn't need to explain his "mistakes" to you.

I just feel it's an ick?

Then leave him. His past relationships are literally nothing to do with you and it's unfair to hold that over him.

You don't have the right to judge someone for something (as long as it isn't illegal etc) that happened prior to your relationship

What if you found out your partner had slept with a prostitute before he met you?On a boys trip to Amsterdam where it’s legal. Would you feel differently about him? Would you judge him? I know this is different but to say we have no right to judge what our partners have done previously doesn’t always happen to be the case. I’d never look at my husband the same way again if I found out he’d used a prostitute.

An ‘ick’ is you suddenly finding your boyfriend’s laugh, shoes, or sex noises unbearable. You’re having doubts about your relationship based on something your boyfriend did in the past brfore you got together. Entirely different, but obviously, you can end a relationship for any reason. In your shoes, I’d be thinking more analytically about why it bothered me so much.

I stand by what I said. You either drop it or leave them. What you can't do is hold someone's past against them in your relationship. If you can't get over it then you don't continue the relationship.

He was 22. We all make mistakes, especially at that age.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. It’s about morals and realising that your partner might not be the man you believed him to be.

@TipsyJoker This is a completely different situation! Consenting adults doing something deceitful is totally different to someone buying and using another human being - people who use prostitutes are vile. I’m shocked you’ve compared the two acts tbh.

@FunnyPeachMentor Cut him some slack. He was 22. The issue is how he speaks about it or reflects on it now.

Right but either way you’re still judging them.

It's a bit harsh tbh. He didn't know when they started dating and didn't until a while into the relationship. It's hard to just turn off feelings and let to someone, especially when you've had the rug pulled from underneath you. Even more so at 22 when everything feels so much more intense. He wasn't bragging about getting with a woman in a relationship, he wasn't saying he would do it again which would obviously be a questionable character flaw.

I'd be incredibly disappointed in my partner if they were this judgemental of my past, talk about an ick.

Stop being ridiculous, you're comparing apples to oranges. And no, I wouldn't judge them, I'd leave and move on because clearly we aren't compatible.

I used it as an example because it’s extreme to point out that you can indeed sometimes judge their past. This is something I would judge extremely harshly and I would never look at them the same again. I clearly said I knew it wasn’t the same thing in my post.

I behaved in a way, at 22, that I wouldn't behave now. It may be a bug, rather than a feature. At the end of the day, neither of them were married, and he wasn't the one in a relationship. I have been cheated on, and I cheated at a similar age. Not something to be proud of but as it's not something I made a habit of, and wouldn't dream of doing now.

Is there a reason you don't trust him?

And it is not ok to continue to judge them while maintaining a relationship. If it's something you can't get over then you leave. It's controlling to hold something against them that they cannot change.

Did you never make a bad choice in your youth then?

Because you judged their behaviour to be incompatible with your morals. That’s why you’d leave.

I never said I would continue the relationship. If I found something I didn’t like I would leave of course.

I'm not arguing semantics. My point was either drop it or leave because you can't judge your partner on transgressions before your relationship. If you're going to do so, then end the relationship.