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Relationships

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Original poster

It really bugs me that my longterm boyfriend admitted he used to date a girl who he knew had a boyfriend

46 replies

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 09:45

It really bugs me that my longterm boyfriend admitted he used to date a girl who he knew had a boyfriend when he was 22 (now 30) He said she came up to him at a bar and they started dating then during it he figured she had a boyfriend but continued to see her anyways for 4 months.
Do I have the right to be bothered by this even if he was just 22... The moral code of it gets to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:28

I do think he did this with a girl in college as well at 20, she had a bf when he was with her then she broke up with her bf and my partner and her started going out.

Then he did it again with another girl at 22...
I just don't like it. The lack of moral and respect.

He is a great partner I just wish he never did this to anyone.

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/12/2024 10:29

22 I did loads of stupid things that I don’t do now - I grew up

I don’t get this still being an issue tbh

Alalalala · 10/12/2024 10:29

What does he say about it now @FunnyPeachMentor ? Does he look back and consider it wrong and confirm he would never behave like that now he’s matured?

Anotherworrier · 10/12/2024 10:29

He’s 30 now? This is a bit silly tbh, if you trust him and it was a long time ago just drop it. I wouldn’t give to much thought to it.

Thatcastlethere · 10/12/2024 10:42

22 is very young. I did some terrible things when I was 22 just out of pure naivety. You don't have that much life experience. He may have thought she'd end her relationship for him. You live and learn. You see the pain you cause, how it's not worth it for anyone and hopefully you grow as a person.
But if you have the ick and you don't trust him just end the relationship.
Don't stay in the relationship and berate him about past relationships.. it's not fair and it borders on abusive. He can't go back in time and change it. If you feel this is something you cant get over you need to just end it rather than hold this resentment towards him.

Original poster

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:55

Isn't this like saying if you're partner cheated in previous relationships before you to ignore it as it was before me?

OP posts:

Bittenonce · 10/12/2024 10:58

Hang on - He started seeing someone - then later found out she was already in another relationship, and failed to run away from someone he had feelings for? Cut him some slack. If their genders were reversed, would you not paint him as the victim and her the abuser?

BunnyLake · 10/12/2024 10:59

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:13

I just feel it's an ick?

Well leave him then!

This is why people should never relay their past dating to current partners. If I was judged on my behaviour as an early twenty something I’d never have had another relationship or children as I would have been deemed unworthy of such things.

You can leave him as nothing is stopping you from going, but how will you feel when he gets another gf. If you’ll feel indifferent then no loss.

Whyherewego · 10/12/2024 11:00

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 10/12/2024 10:17

Then leave him. His past relationships are literally nothing to do with you and it's unfair to hold that over him.

This ... you can't help if it gives you the ick but he can't undo this so probably best to split up sooner rather than later

BunnyLake · 10/12/2024 11:01

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:55

Isn't this like saying if you're partner cheated in previous relationships before you to ignore it as it was before me?

He didn’t cheat though.

TwistedWonder · 10/12/2024 11:08

Personally if I found out someone I was dating had been involved in cheating in the past that would be the end for me as a liar is my absolute deal breaker

Girlmom35 · 10/12/2024 11:11

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:55

Isn't this like saying if you're partner cheated in previous relationships before you to ignore it as it was before me?

The only reason to hold onto it is when you have valid reasons to suspect that his behaviour back then is a predictor of future behaviour.

So the question is: is your bf doing anything right now that indicates he would be continuing this behaviour in the present day? This is the case when:

He doesn't condemn his past behaviour or doesn't show any growth in terms of morals, maturity
He has no guilt, remorse or shame whatsoever regarding his past behaviour
He has repeated the behaviour numerous times since. It's a visible pattern which has continued without much interruption
Given the opportunity, he would behave this way again today
He hasn't gone through any significant changes in personality since. F.e. someone will change drastically in terms of personality between let's say 15 and 25, als also again between 25 and 35. But 35 to 45 won't differ as much usually.
The behaviour has an addictive component (drugs, gambling, sex addiction)
He has a secretive personality and is used to hiding behaviour that he feels would be frowned upon

Obviously at the end of the day it's your life and your relationship and you can decide what to do with it. If you've really gone off him over this, so be it. I would personally not leave a perfectly happy relationship over a mistake he made many years ago. Honestly, if all of us would be held accountable for every mistake we made in teenage years or early adulthood, none of us would be in relationships. I'm a firm believer in redemption and I truly think people can learn, grow and change.

TiredCatLady · 10/12/2024 11:22

OP you sound like you’re looking for an excuse to end this relationship.

You don’t need one. Just end it and find someone you’re more compatible with.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 10/12/2024 11:27

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:55

Isn't this like saying if you're partner cheated in previous relationships before you to ignore it as it was before me?

Yes.......
Unless you suspect your partner is currently cheating then once again you don't get to hold someone's past against them. If he'd cheated and you couldn't move past it then you should end it. How would you like it if you were having your historic mistakes held against you?

CandyLeBonBon · 10/12/2024 22:16

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:28

I do think he did this with a girl in college as well at 20, she had a bf when he was with her then she broke up with her bf and my partner and her started going out.

Then he did it again with another girl at 22...
I just don't like it. The lack of moral and respect.

He is a great partner I just wish he never did this to anyone.

So he's done it more than once...?

DrewPeadrawers · 10/12/2024 22:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Unlucky123 · 11/12/2024 00:04

Thats like hiding your purse away because he used to steal 50ps out his mums wallet, age 12

Do we not all make mistakes to learn from them?

Go find mr perfect then get 10 years in, have him beat you and then realise actually who dated who age 22 isnt such a bag thing

How would you feel if you made a mistake almost a decade ago and the guy your dating has doubts about you

Im 34 now, done things i shouldnt have, that i wouldnt do again

You should be living in the present and planning a future not living in the past

Thatcastlethere · 11/12/2024 00:22

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:55

Isn't this like saying if you're partner cheated in previous relationships before you to ignore it as it was before me?

No... cheated before in previous relationships... depends completely on the context doesn't it?
Someone who has repeatedly cheated throughout their adult life.... yes that's a big red flag and I'd avoid them probably.
Someone who cheated a couple of times in early adulthood would get more consideration if they seemed like a decent person now.
People change A LOT from 22 to 32.
You don't just go into adulthood knowing it all and always doing the right thing and always making good choices.. I just don't think you can expect that of anyone.
And often these things are about luck. Sometimes people who've never done anything bad in their lives have just never been in any circumstances where they may have been put to the test.
Some of the best people I know have done some terrible things in their youth because they basically had a very difficult time of it. They were in difficult situations.
Sometimes people who've actually been through things and realised the error of their ways can end up being more trustworthy people.
Not always obviously..
But I personally don't think you should immediately write someone off for being a dick in their early 20s if everything else about them right now seem really decent.

H112 · 11/12/2024 01:25

My ex did it at 19 and thought he was young and wouldn't cheat on me. Of course he did.

You're either born with a moral compass or you're not. Simple as.

Get out now while you're not in too deep.

Sorshpans · 11/12/2024 01:37

I get where you’re coming from Op. many of the people I knew who were involved in cheating at 20 are still involved almost 2 decades later. It does seem to be one of those things - you do or you don’t. So it would put me off a guy if he said this.

The only exception I would make to that is if he expressed clear remorse and regret for what he did.

I ditched an ex once who told me he used to smoke regularly and also used to take drugs. I said I found both things disgusting just to gauge his feelings on them and he kind of leapt to their defence and said there wasn’t anything wrong with them.

I have zero tolerance towards drugs so I realised right there and then we weren’t compatible. I don’t like the drug trade, I don’t like the effects it can have, I don’t like drug culture at all so no way did I want to risk it with him.

He had stopped doing both only because he “grew out of them” but he wasn’t morally opposed to them which made me think he could easily slip back into either habit in the future. After telling me didn’t smoke I found out he did shisha regularly which is the equivalent of a lot of cigarettes per session! A few weeks later I ended it. I find sometimes men disclose “smaller” things to test you but as time goes on it can be worse so I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear some more revelations from him!

I made sure the next guy was completely anti-smoking and anti-drugs like me.

Swiftie1878 · 16/12/2024 12:29

FunnyPeachMentor · 10/12/2024 10:28

I do think he did this with a girl in college as well at 20, she had a bf when he was with her then she broke up with her bf and my partner and her started going out.

Then he did it again with another girl at 22...
I just don't like it. The lack of moral and respect.

He is a great partner I just wish he never did this to anyone.

Nobody is perfect, and his ‘mistakes’ were a long time ago when he was young and immature.
If it really bothers you, ask him how he feels about his behaviour now, with hindsight.
If he still thinks it wasn’t an issue, but you do, you may be morally incompatible and have a decision to make.

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