I'm so hurt by DH

[saaaa1985]

In laws have never been particularly great..totally unsupportive when I had two miscarriages in a row and since I've had DS they have pigeon holed me into the role of cook, cleaner etc. DH has the important full time job whereas I work from home pt so obviously that doesn't matter, even tho I work in high end wealth management.
I sat DH down earlier this year and told him our marriage wasn't working for me, it was totally misogynistic and I do everything and I mean everything. DH is DS favourite, he barely acknowledges me because of course DH gets to be fun dad and play with him whereas I am running round doing everything.
We have not had in laws down since March as I just couldn't face it. At Xmas where I will buy all the presents, book all the activities and get nothing in return (not even a card) DH wants to take DS up to his parents for a few days as he owes it to them to sort it out. Nothing about what he owes me.
I never thought it would come to this but I think I have to LTB?
For what it's worth. I wfh barely see anyone all week, DS and DH want to stay in on the evenings and weekends and I have a back in jury that prevents me from gym/joining team sports which I would love to do.
I realize my role in allowing my marriage to become like this and I hate myself for it. I literally don't matter to anyone. Like DS would step over me if I was on fire to get to DH.

How old is DS? I’d he taking him away Xmas day/Boxing Day ?

OP how old is your son? I would say no to him going away Xmas Eve - Boxing Day.

He is 5. I had an awful traumatic birth with him that has left me with long term injuries, no one supported me at all. All I heard was DH was working full time so I needed to support him.
He wants to take him the week after Xmas I think. I'll be home alone, like I always am, working and cleaning the house.

Can you afford a cleaner?
Can you do a hobby that’s not sport related, like a book club etc?
Do you think you’re depressed?

It doesn't sound like you are in a partnership , more as if you are his housekeeper !
So do as above , ltb but do what you can to keep the house ! !

To be honest it sounds like you are putting DP in a bit of an awkward position. You don’t want to host his parents but you don’t want him to take DS there. You don’t want to be left alone, but I’m guessing you’ve also said you don’t want to go too?

What do you want him to do?

No we can't sue to cost of living.
Yes probably. I enjoy my job but I don't speak to anyone all week. I was told when DS started school it would be different but I'm just hit by another back problem that confines me to the house, any school run I do everyone is just rushing off to work so I get very little social engagement.
DH does not understand the mental health implications of this for me at all, he works around hundreds of people all day whereas I am always alone.

We have hosted them many many times. I have done everything for it. I don't want to do it when I'm in constant pain and on two different types of painkillers currently.
In laws also have plenty of money and are retired, they could afford to come down stay in a hotel and it not be all put on me. Yet it always is.

I'm always by myself anyway so I am used to it.

Unless there's abuse, leaving isn't the only option.

Can you make some changes? For example you talk about doing everything at Christmas. Don't do anything your DH can do for himself. With the advent of online shopping, there's no excuse for him not being able to order presents.

Regarding exercise, swimming is great if you have an injury and yoga can be adjusted around an injury.

If DS is old enough, surely it's good for him to see his grandparents and it will give you a break.

Can there be any compromise around work? Can you do more and your DH do less? Can he have flexible hours, compressed days or WFH to accommodate childcare.

Can chores be handed over to him? Eg alternate cooking days, laundry, meal planning.

Can you get couple's counselling to work on your relationship.

Oh gosh this sounds tricky and you can feel how hurt and unappreciated you feel from your post. I don’t have any answers but can you just consciously choose to prioritise and appreciate yourself for a few weeks, do the stuff you love, book in babysitting to have some relaxing time, remind yourself of your professional achievements, hang out with people who love you. Is it possible to get counselling yourself? Work out what you really want before trying to initiate a separation while you’re feeling so hurt?

He's a teacher so no flexibility.
If I leave it to him, it won't get done. It never does.
Yes I am leaving more housework etc to him at the moment. I physically cannot do it.
I'm not sure about couples counseling. I don't know how our marriage has turned into this and it's never something I thought would happen. I just don't feel the same way about someone who didn't support me with miscarriages, a traumatic birth and misogynistic parents who treat me as his pa cook and cleaner. I want more for myself and I don't want DS to be raised like this.

OP I think you sound depressed. I’ve been there - it’s horrible. Maybe think about focussing on your mental health - if that involves a trip to the GP then I’d do that. You need a bit of control and purpose in your life beyond just keeping the house going.

my DH works long hours and earns the majority of our income so I work PT and do the majority of day to day housework but I also have a great social life and do lots just for me. I think you maybe need to look at ways you can do that for yourself too.

I don’t really think this is about this one trip away.

Thank you. Yes I am really really hurt.
I've had counseling, twice, they both told me my husband was part of my problem.
My mum is very supportive and will have DS, but my dad died last year so she is also a little fragile.

@saaaa1985 you sound like you are really struggling right now and are possibly experiencing depression. Did you ever have any therapy to address the psychological impact of your son’s traumatic birth and the subsequent physical impact to you? Clearly not having anyone to talk to all week is not helping either. Children often go through phases of favouring one parent over another, it’s usually the one who is always available to them who is less interesting to them but it sounds like you are feeling very hurt by your sons favouritism of his father. Could you seek out a therapist or councillor to help you work through these issues?

Clearly your DH isn’t being a great partner and needs to pull his weight more at home. I’d sit down with him, divide the labour (.proportional to working hours) and let him get on with it. I’d suggest couples count as well as it doesn’t sound like he’s listening to you in general. If he doesn’t make any changes then possibly you do need to end your marriage but please allow yourself the time to work on making yourself more content first so you have the strength to make a life without him.

Yes probably to the depression.
Yes I am hurt, I went through hell and am totally sidelined. Not towards my son, he is 5, he doesn't know any better.
No we didn't have any birth trauma etc as by the time anyone realized how much I was struggling it was covid. I've had counseling through my work, doesn't seem to be anything else available.

@saaaa1985 you would probably really benefit from EMDR rather than counselling, it’s designed to tackle root cause of trauma in a more direct way than standard talking therapies, I’ve found it very effective. Obviously there is a cost implication, unless you have health insurance that might cover it, but it really would be beneficial for you in the longer term. As an immediate step I’d take PP’s advice and speak to your GP about your mental health, you might do well with trying medication as a starting point. If that is effective you will likely feel more equipped to deal with other aspects of your life.

I take it your husband isn’t open to having conversations with you about how you feel? Or is it that you haven’t tried because you don’t think he’d be receptive/sympathetic?

No it isn't. It's the mindset you've got yourself into.

Tell husband that if he wants to invite parents then he does all of the prep. Stop doing everything for him, he needs to do some at home adulating and look after himself.

You're martyring yourself and have become resentful of it. Stop waiting for someone to notice how much you do and just stop.

What have you done about sorting the back injury ? Doctors will always get you to pop pills.
I had a back injury which meant I couldn’t walk more than 400 yards. I’m an active walker/ runner but Gp response was prescription painkillers which I declined. I went to a chiropractor who sorted it completely. Well worth the cost.
I do understand that not every back can be fixed in this way. You’ll know the nature of the injury but maybe worth a try.

@Roastitcheese
I've seen a private physio. I do at home yoga every day to try and strengthen ny core.
My bowel and bladder were damaged in my cesarean so I was hunched over for months which has put strain on my back. It's still sore 5 years on.
Yes the gp just want to prescribe pills, initially they told me I was imagining the permanent nerve damage and pain from it. They said it would take 6 weeks, then 6 months then a year, which coincided with covid so I was very much put on the back burner. We paid for private physio in the end. But it's an ongoing issue.

If it helps at all, I've been in a similar position. Under appreciated and taken advantage of, which is what you are experiencing with your DH.
I had sciatica, so for me it was utterly critical, as I was in pain for weeks, unable to walk, on crutches and in agonising pain. It made the childbirth for my DS of 24 hours look like a holiday. I've rebuilt my physique.

Don't leave this any longer, please, as if your back goes, then you'll really discover how undervalued you are by the sounds of it, if they all treat you as nothing more than glorified house staff.
Please don't blame yourself, you've done anything wrong, women are programmed from birth and the whole of society is dependent on our physical and mental labour as carers. So it's not unusual to be angry and feel undervalued and underappreciated. And we're expected to do it all with a smile!
Good luck with that.
If you want the home dynamic to change, it'll have to be you that does it.
You've clearly tried to get DH to change via counselling. But if he doesn't want to change or doesn't feel the need to, then you have your answer.

I suggest you work on your physical health first as it has a secondary benefit for your mental health. Far more than we realise.
Please trust me on this.
Get clearance from your GP/physio/chiro, ask them what strengthening exercises are safe for you to do, get a local gym membership, get childcare for when you go if necessary. Arrange it, as we're all experts at arranging after all! And go get some time for yourself.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, you will have to take control of your habits and behaviours. Which I found was the most difficult. I call it 'motherhood syndrome'. The urge to help everyone with what is in fact their responsibility but you feel the impulse to assist. It's just societal programming, which you need to recognise.

Sadly, if everyone is living off your physical labour, effort and time, they aren't going to either want or like that to change in my experience.
I now have this rule I apply and a question I ask for adults I live with who are expecting me to do tasks they can do themselves.

Are they capable of doing it themselves? Are they cognitively and physically able to do it themselves? If the answer to that is 'yes'. (This doesn't apply to young DS/DD who are too young obviously).
Then I stop doing it and let them do it themselves, so I can free up time to prioritise myself (whether its for work, mental and physical wellbeing).
So what if the house is a bit of a mess for a bit.
These chores are never ending anyway.

If you think being confrontational or being obvious is too much.
Then the old 'oh God I thought I'd done that, I'll get to it soon' line is a good one.
Then never do it.

It's only once we take control of our time and life that they'll start to notice.

So the only question you need to ask yourself is what do you want to be doing, how do you want to be living your life from this day forward?

Spend time with yoyr mum whilst he's away. Get yourself booked I for yoga classes or whatever else you fancy
Get out of that house!

Thank you.
This is a very understanding and empathetic post from someone who doesn't think I'm being a martyr.
My DH just came home in his lunch hour as he could see I was very upset this morning and we have had a big discussion.
He has said he will do whatever it takes to sort my heath out, will take on way more of the domestic crap and on reflection we had been repeating patterns of how we both had been raised (him more so than me tbf). I explained how I felt about the birth and since then. He cried, doesn't want me to feel this way or DS to see this. He doesn't see me as the favourite of DS at all. Time will tell I guess.
And I do feel incredibly guilty investing any time on myself to my own detriment. The boundaries need to go up and I guess I need to break the whole generational cycle.

@saaaa1985 thats a really positive first step. I really hope he took onboard what you said and will follow through with supporting you. It’s easy to dismiss your own health and wellbeing but ultimately if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll struggle to look after your son and succeed in other areas of life.

Hopefully a more open communication with your DH going forward will make you feel less alone and better supported. Just remember to be kind to yourself.

Thank you.
I've taken on board what you have said about EMDR. I had CBT twice but didn't find that too helpful.
All this unresolved trauma doesn't help I think.