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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me end it! Unfulfilling, sexless relationship

36 replies

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 10:53

I have name changed for this! Been on here a while but I haven’t posted anything of a personal nature for a long time.

So me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years. It’s not been a remotely easy relationship. His job means he works away for months at a time and in those months I see him once a week. I’ll point out the obvious… absolutely certain to the best of my ability that he’s not married/leading a double life etc. He’s divorced and was going through divorce the same time as me so we helped each other through the legal aspects. Spoken to colleagues, verified everything with his family and friends. His job just requires working away.

This relationship has just taken a toll on me and I know I need to end it but when I try it’s like the words don’t come out.
It’s sexless. We’ve had sex four times in total. He developed erectile dysfunction very early into the relationship and nothing gets him hard. He’s awaiting an op for a lump (maybe a hernia?) in his groin area that’s causing him pain and he believes this is the reason for the ED but I’m not convinced. He can’t take viagra due to heart conditions. I’ve tried to speak to him about toys, how we can still have intimacy without piv. He makes all the right noises but the most that will happen is a five minute poke around with his fingers after no warm up. He will not do oral, categorically hates it and obviously while not ideal, needs to be respected.

Theres a whole host of other problems which are reason enough in itself to end it but the lack of sex and the not spending much time together are weighing heavy on me right now. I feel so bitter and jealous of people in normal functioning relationships. I’m 32 years old! I want to feel wanted and as much as he says he finds me attractive I just don’t believe him.

I’m seeing him later and after speaking to him this morning I told him I don’t want this and this isn’t the life I want. He wants to talk and just keeps telling me ‘it’s all going to be fine’ and ‘we will fix it’. These are just sound bites. When I ask how he draws a blank.

What would you all do? Would you stay hoping the op will work and the sex will improve? Or would you say enough is enough and walk? I feel like I need some outside opinions.

OP posts:

Whowhatwhere21 · 09/12/2024 11:00

I'm just a couple of years older than you and couldn't ever imagine myself in a relationship like this! I have questions..
How old is he?
What's your housing situation? Is your home a joint one?

Original poster

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 11:02

He’s 35 and doesn’t live with me but I know he’d like to. He brings it up quite a bit. I have children from my previous marriage and there’s absolutely no way in hell I’ll move a man in that I’m not 10000% certain about.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 09/12/2024 11:04

If sex is that important to you then it’s that important to you. Personally if we clicked, chat all night etc etc that’s what does it for me but you can’t help it if that’s what you want. Just tell him and tell him and end it quickly, the lump must be worrisome for him and he just needs to start moving on with work and life

Whowhatwhere21 · 09/12/2024 11:10

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 11:02

Well that's a good start that you don't live together.
Take away the issue with the lack of sex, you've also said there is a whole host of other problems and the relationship in general has taken a toll on you. I wouldn't be sticking around if I was in your shoes and judging by your post, it doesn't sound like you want to.
If you do decide to finish it then what you do from now is your choice. Do you actually want to meet him later, or are you feeling obliged to like you owe him that meeting or something?

MagpiePi · 09/12/2024 11:18

You need to stick to your guns and don’t get drawn into carrying on until things ‘get better’.

Original poster

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 11:22

I don’t know if I want to see him. He really doesn’t want to break up but I can’t help but feel it’s because he’s got it made. His job doesn’t pay as much as it realistically should and he’s in a fair amount of debt. This means the one day a week I see him we go out and 99% of the time it falls on me to pay. I became really resentful of this a long time ago. If I bring it up he might be better for a week and then it reverts back to me. This happened recently. I had a conversation where I told him it was upsetting me, he paid for food that week and then lo and behold the week after he forgot his wallet.

When I think of someone I want as a partner… it’s not him. I want an equal. Someone who considers my feelings instead of me constantly pandering to them!

OP posts:

username299 · 09/12/2024 11:23

I would have dumped him as soon as the ED became apparent. Especially since he's so selfish and shit in bed.

Atissues · 09/12/2024 11:27

Bet his ex wife is happy to be rid of him. Can’t think why they split up. Selfish in bed, selfish with money. He’s not a catch. Don’t bother meeting up. Just tell him it’s not working.

Whowhatwhere21 · 09/12/2024 11:27

I think you need to listen to yourself and step away. If you aren't sure about seeing him then don't. He likely only wants to see you so he can try and reel you back in. While your head is a little all over the place, there's a chance he could catch you in a weak moment and before you know it, you'll be giving him another chance then kicking yourself for it in a weeks time.

It really doesn't sound like he's the man for you and you deserve someone who gives as much as they are getting from you.

Starlight1979 · 09/12/2024 11:44

When I think of someone I want as a partner… it’s not him.

End of story.

You see each other once a week, you never have sex, he doesn't even want to please you, he's in debt, you pay for everything...

Seriously?

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 11:54

Starlight1979 · 09/12/2024 11:44

When I think of someone I want as a partner… it’s not him.

End of story.

You see each other once a week, you never have sex, he doesn't even want to please you, he's in debt, you pay for everything...

Seriously?

Absolutely this. Why on earth are you bankrolling this time waster?

What are YOU getting from this so called relationship?

Original poster

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 12:00

I am not getting anything from it… other than the deep annoyance of feeling like a mug and being treated like crap to boot!

He has this way of twisting things to be my fault. I don’t know how he does it. I’ll ask to have a conversation about something that I know is reasonable and justified and by the end of it he will have me feeling like the wicked witch of the west if she was also into murdering puppies!

OP posts:

Bittenonce · 09/12/2024 12:07

You said it yourself ‘needtojustendit’
And you're right!
You don’t see each other, don’t have sex, he can’t be bothered or doesn’t want to please you in other ways and doesn’t want to talk about fixing it. If you were both 40 years older it would (might) be different but now - don’t waste your life

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 12:13

You can end a relationship for any reason - it doesn’t matter what he wants, if you’re not getting anything from it just tell him it’s over and move on.

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 12:15

You don't need to convince him to let you break up with him. You just need to tell him it's your decision and stick to it, you don't live together so it shouldn't be difficult.

Dery · 09/12/2024 12:21

Don’t see him later, OP. It’s a waste of your and his time and there’s a risk he’ll talk you round again. This relationship works great for him so of course he wants it to continue. It doesn’t work for you. You’ve given him enough of your time, attention and effort. Time to move on.

Scrambledchickens · 09/12/2024 12:27

Email or message him today and tell him you are ending the relationship. You don’t need to ever see him again, if he has stuff at your ship it to him, then block.
You owe him nothing!

pinkdelight · 09/12/2024 12:35

Jeez I thought he was gonna be twice that age. No way could I put up with this crap at your tender age. Four (probably poor) shags and a few half-hearted pokes around in 2.5 years and you're paying for everything and clearly unhappy with him. There's no question you should end it and save your time and money for someone way better. He sounds like a dead loss and he's using you really so don't feel at all bad about ending it. Just get it done now and move forward.

pinkdelight · 09/12/2024 12:37

(To add: it's not that I think someone older should put up with this situation either, more just shock at how young you both are to be thinking this is tenable.)

DreadPirateRobots · 09/12/2024 12:41

Don't go to see him this morning. You don't owe him anything other than honesty, which you've given him. It's over, you've ended it. There is absolutely no point in meeting other than for him to barrage and manipulate you into taking it back.

Message him one more time. "I'm sorry but our relationship is over. I've been very clear. I wish you well but don't contact me again." Then block him.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/12/2024 12:46

It’s barely a relationship at all, OP - no sex, little emotional intimacy or support or even company. You’re not living together so it can be quick if not painless: sorry but I don’t want to be with you and it’s over.

Chocolately · 09/12/2024 12:59

He wouldn't even make a good friend, would he. I think he's a wannabe cocklodger, except, no cock 🤷

MeganM3 · 09/12/2024 13:15

You're too young for this BS and already come out of a serious relationship.

End it as nicely as you can, potentially leaving the door open for the future if his situation (job and health) changes. But your needs need to come first and you'll find someone better for you and your current situation and needs.

I'd be really honest and say the LDR doesn't work any more and you're not as happy as you'd like to be.

LifeExperience · 09/12/2024 13:23

If the sex isn't good early on, it's going to be truly abysmal later.

The question is WHY would you want to stay? Because you hope he might change? He won't. Men don't change, so what he is is what you get. Obviously that's not enough. Sit him down and end it. And if for some reason you can't, then you've got to figure out what is lacking in yourself that you are unable to end such an unfulfilling relationship.

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 14:38

Needtojustendit · 09/12/2024 12:00

I am not getting anything from it… other than the deep annoyance of feeling like a mug and being treated like crap to boot!

And even if you were, you are still allowed to stop seeing him

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