Help me end it! Unfulfilling, sexless relationship

[Needtojustendit]

I have name changed for this! Been on here a while but I haven’t posted anything of a personal nature for a long time.

So me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years. It’s not been a remotely easy relationship. His job means he works away for months at a time and in those months I see him once a week. I’ll point out the obvious… absolutely certain to the best of my ability that he’s not married/leading a double life etc. He’s divorced and was going through divorce the same time as me so we helped each other through the legal aspects. Spoken to colleagues, verified everything with his family and friends. His job just requires working away.

This relationship has just taken a toll on me and I know I need to end it but when I try it’s like the words don’t come out.
It’s sexless. We’ve had sex four times in total. He developed erectile dysfunction very early into the relationship and nothing gets him hard. He’s awaiting an op for a lump (maybe a hernia?) in his groin area that’s causing him pain and he believes this is the reason for the ED but I’m not convinced. He can’t take viagra due to heart conditions. I’ve tried to speak to him about toys, how we can still have intimacy without piv. He makes all the right noises but the most that will happen is a five minute poke around with his fingers after no warm up. He will not do oral, categorically hates it and obviously while not ideal, needs to be respected.

Theres a whole host of other problems which are reason enough in itself to end it but the lack of sex and the not spending much time together are weighing heavy on me right now. I feel so bitter and jealous of people in normal functioning relationships. I’m 32 years old! I want to feel wanted and as much as he says he finds me attractive I just don’t believe him.

I’m seeing him later and after speaking to him this morning I told him I don’t want this and this isn’t the life I want. He wants to talk and just keeps telling me ‘it’s all going to be fine’ and ‘we will fix it’. These are just sound bites. When I ask how he draws a blank.

What would you all do? Would you stay hoping the op will work and the sex will improve? Or would you say enough is enough and walk? I feel like I need some outside opinions.

"I no longer want to be in this relationship, I want to be single. It's over".

Walk away.

“When I think of someone I want as a partner… it’s not him. I want an equal.”

Here in a nutshell is why your relationship will never work. Clearly you don’t respect him, and you’re right about wanting an equal or someone you can look up to. As soon as feelings of indifference begin to turn to contempt, it’s game over. You need to rip off the band aid now.

You rarely see him, you don’t have sex? What relationship?
Just end it. Say it doesn’t cover your needs and move on.

Don't meet up with him because it looks like that he will not respect your boundaries and listen.

Message him. Tell him that as he knows, you have been unhappy for some time. You do not see the relationship progressing and so are ending it today.

If he has stuff at your house, arrange to send it to him.

Do not engage in a closure meet up as he will just use it to twist things in his favour.

You are entitled to end any relationship for any reason.

Harsh but fair

The whole thing sounds like a nightmare. Time to throw this one back

The only thing keeping you in this relationship is guilt / people pleasing. You don't want to be in a relationship with him. Tell him, block him, breath easier!

When I first started reading this, I thought you were going to say you were a lot older than you are! But 32!! You're so young still, please move on and find someone better suited.
A lot of the time on here I think the advice given to move on is used too easily but not in this case. Please don't settle, especially at your age.

It doesn’t matter if he twists things or makes you look or feel like the terrible one for wanting to end it. You’re allowed to be done. It’s not going to go to a judge and jury to see if you’re allowed to end it.

For what it’s worth I think you’re completely right to end it for any one of the reasons you have given let alone all the issues together.

I think you need to be very definitive and broken record him, ignore him trying to twist you to be the bad guy eg

you: it’s the end of the line for us

him: but why? What have I done?

you: we’ve discussed the issues before and I don’t want to rehash. It’s the end of the relationship now.

him: but you’re being so unfair! Don’t I deserve a little bit of time?

you: we aren’t right for each other, it’s the end of the relationship

Etc etc…

if possible I’d try not to meet in person but discuss on phone.

You don't seem to have mutual friends, who cares what he says.

I thought from your first post maybe you were both in your late 50s or 60s not 30s!

Why do you think you have entertained this man and are in a 'relationship' with him?
He doesn't sound abusive, but you are scared to leave him even though you obviously do have some awareness of how rubbish a partner he is and that there is no future for you as a couple.

Instead of paying for his meals out, could you pay for a bit of therapy? Sometimes the act of saying this stuff out loud can really clarify what we need to do.

FGS OP. It’s over. Just tell him. I’ve got the ick just reading about him.