Mum said my babys true personality was coming out

[LoftyShark]

I've got the best baby ever, always smiling and generally never cries unless hurt etc.

However she will say stuff like "his real personality is coming out" or "he's got a wicked temper" when he shows any "negative" behaviour. Eg I shut the baby gate as he was trying to leave the room and he was.onviously not happy so cried in frustration/not understanding I'm trying to save him from falling down the stairs.

I think it steams from my mum not really understanding emotions and not wanting to help me with mine - eg I'm upset she says she doesn't know what to say etc.

Anyway I'm starting to resent my mum and be snappy at her when she says statements like the above.

My baby is 12 months old (1 year) so needs help with his emotions etc

I'd struggle to keep a civil tongue in my head if she was saying things like that about my baby!

How often do you see her?

“Yes, my baby is a cunt. He must take after his grandmother.”

Do You have brothers? Has your mum had bad experiences with men? Her comments sound like misandry to me.

Not enough, too much.... Varies lol. I generally don't think she understands what's she's saying or understands emotions etc because she's 75. She is however good when baby cries, I get into fight or flight mode...

But yeah

She's got lots of sons and a husband and a brother and had a father. Nothing to do with my baby being a boy

"He's still only 12 months old - his personality's not formed yet."

I wonder why she doesn't think his true personality is his happy smiley self?

I wish she was a cunt, by her actions other than her mouth being insensitive.

75 year olds are perfectly able to understand emotions and know what they’re saying, unless there’s some dementia involved?

I don't know if she's actually saying it as a joke or to minimise the emotion she's feeling.

Assuming she's been taught emotions.... I know I wasn't and had to learn it as an adult... Not autistic but I was never spoken to about anything about emotions or how I'm feeling etc. they are there.

Ignore her and if she does it keep saying he takes after his grandma doesn't her? And then giggle. Do it again and again and she'll shut up.

Yes isn't it great to see he is.able to express his emotions. I feel its really important to help our children to be self aware and not think of emotions as something negative. I'm so proud of him.

Should shut her up if you keep taking it as a compliment.

Ignore her He doesn't have a wicked temper. Thats so old fashioned the labeling of children as good or bad Ignore her and enjoy your smiley happy baby and console him when expresses frustration by crying.

I wish I could ignore it but I respond straight away

I hate shit like this.

My parents used to compare any negative behaviour my son showed to that of my nephew who has behavioural issues. They'd start calling my son by my nephews name as a "joke".

I told them firmly to pack it in. It's unfair on both boys. It hasn't happened since and they've never done it with my youngest son.

I'd just challenge it gently: Why do you think his true personality is the few times he gets upset? I think his true personality is the one he shows most of the time, which is happy and calm. That's his default setting. I think everyone displays the full range of emotions occasionally.

See how she responds. If you say it gently, in the spirit of enquiry, then she might feel able to genuinely reflect on why she thinks this.

Ignore your mother. Tune it it. Roll your eyes. Let it go.

Now... you said you get into fight or flight when the baby cries/is difficult?

I’d say ‘ you don’t like my son do you mum?’

She will be horrified and keep her mouth shut

Yep that would really annoy me OP

Say to her “I don’t understand, can you explain”, “what does that mean”, make her think about what she has said.

I can't ignore her - I explode.

Also with regards to the babys crying she can handle that fine, no comments about him being a cry baby or whatever

I think you need to address it with her and remind her that he's mostly very happy and smiley.

However, you also need to think about your own reactions to his emotions. You call your DS the "best" baby because he's generally happy but an unhappy child isn't "bad". And you seem to find his crying very difficult to cope with? I think you need to remind yourself that all your baby's (and your) emotions are valid, they don't need to be hidden.

He's the best baby ever because he's lovely and healthy and has a lovely temperament. Compared to some other babies that have colic, medical issues etc he's the best that he can be. I'm not going to downplay anything about him because he sleeps well, feeds well, does everything well. I'm extremely lucky to have such a "easy baby" that has no issues.

At a time when your son isn't there, start the conversation and make it very clear that you won't tolerate it and if she continues to make such negative remarks around him, you'll have to reduce visits to protect him from the negativity.

It sounds like the issues run deeper than just what she’s saying. It’s understandable that you’d feel annoyed about her saying negative things when your baby displays normal baby/toddler emotions if you felt your mum had no time or understanding for your own feelings in childhood. It sounds like she wouldn’t agree if you say something like “no, he is a baby and needs help to understand/regulate his feelings” (which is true and a normal part of parenting)