Anyone continued a 'fake' marriage?

[blackdoves]

So DH and I are in a bad place. He has met someone, but I've no idea to what extent they've taken their relationship.
In an ideal world we would just split. BUT... our DC is 16 and about to do GCSEs. Plus with it being so close to Christmas, I've suggested we stay together and appear all is good. For how long, I don't know.
I just wonder if anyone out there has done something similar and has any advice.
Thank you.

Does he want to stay together?

It sounds as if there is transparency here op. I take it he told you there was someone else?

I think it is prudent to wait for your dc to finish his GCSE's as they are coming around fast and it will be a massive upheaval which could be delayed in this instance (no abuse). So yes, I would wait. If you have decided to end your relationship, continue to build a separate life and prepare for what this would look like. Have you thought about this on a financial and practical level (do you have any other younger dc)? Obviously there is the emotional impact too.

I am in this situation but my end game is longer. It's awful to tell you the truth. It affects my mental health but I have also used the time productively to make plans regarding finances, looking at houses, practical matters and building more of a social network/interests so in this way I am laying the groundwork.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. No good time but so close to Christmas. It is difficult to maintain appearances. In my instance the couple of people that know of the difficulties were quite surprised. My dc meanwhile, are not fooled. It can't go on because they are affected too.

I don't think so.
I'm so broken at the moment I don't know what to do. I don't have family and only a few friends, but don't feel ready to talk to them yet.
I'm just thinking it best not to turn my DCs world upside down just yet

I found out. He's told me nothing but lies. I don't have a job, so that's the first thing I need to sort. My DC doesn't handle change well so I'm dreading it

Have you just found out about this op? You need to process this information whilst trying to present everything as 'normal' to your dc to maintain the status quo. DC must be revising for mock exams? Take a breath. Give yourself some space. Let Christmas pass.

Yes only found out yesterday. But he's done it before, 13 years ago.
I just want to close my eyes and if to all go away

Hi OP
I'm in a similar situation. My DH I'm sure is seeing someone, but I'm being lied to left right and centre. If I knew for sure I think I'd at least know.
At the moment I'm carrying on as usual. I don't know what the future holds and my head is a mess. Taking time to process and do nothing has been quite helpful.

I would not stay with anyone that didnt want me no matter what time of year it is or what coming up.
All you would be doing is keeping up appearance for the outside world while behind close doors its all falling apart.
It would not suit me one bit i would be planning on a divorce and moving on.
Rather do that than play his game to make him look better when hes already made you second place.
I would come clean to everyone because i would not suffer in silence for him just to save his cheating arse.
Your child is old enough to understand now.

How utterly horrific.
Can understand wanting to keep the peace whilst DC going through GCSEs. Depends if you feel you can have an Xmas without atmosphere they may pick up on etc as may end up being more detrimental? Can H fake illness and you take DC to a relatives? Depends what your plans were/are?

Lots of people have stayed in marriages of convenience. You need to have a discussion with your husband and work out how to move forward.

Do you want to remain in the marriage and have an open relationship? How that would work would depend on your relationship and how well you get on.

You obviously can't stay in a relationship which is detrimental to your mental health.

If you don't want an open relationship and it doesn't seem likely your husband wants to be monogamous, then you need to start making plans to divorce.

I can understand you waiting till after Xmas. Given he's lied about it all, he's probably not in a rush to change the status quo. Take a breath, get through the festivities and see how you feel in the new year. You only know by trying it if holding it together until your DS's exams is feasible. If you can disengage and remain civil, now you know he's not worth fighting for, it might be possible. But if it starts affecting your MH too much, you can change your mind Nd do it sooner. You could even not talk about your plans, just hatch them yourself. Keep him wondering, make him feel guilty every time he sees her, not doing the pick me dance , just not making his affair easy and open for him to carry on. He doesn't deserve your consideration, do what's best for you.

Do what's best for you and the kids now. If that's staying together till after exams then do that. Use the time to start emotionally distancing yourself, finding a job and getting your life in order in preparation. If you're going to stay then you need to negotiate how it's going to work moving forward.

We did this until it became so toxic we had to split. Depends on how you approach it with your child. Maybe have a few sessions with a counsellor to talk things through.

Hi, sorry you find yourself in this hideous position.

I discovered by DH was having an affair a few months ago. DC was in the final weeks of Primary and had end of term stuff plus Prom/birthday etc so we decided not to say anything until school was finished.
It was the hardest few weeks of my life as DC often caught me crying, DH moved into the spare room and we argued & shouted at each other (we never argued previously so this was a completely new World for DC)
When we finally told DC, they had already guessed something was amiss. They’re really astute and your child is older so will definitely know what’s going on.
I can’t describe the effect having to live and pretend everything was fine with DH was. It was horrific and my MH took a massive battering.
It didn’t help that DH continued the affair brazenly once he admitted there was someone else.

We sat down and told DC and there were tears but they’ve adapted amazingly.
Ex finally moved out to live with his parents and is half an hour away. His contribution to childcare is bare minimum and he’s out with his partner all the time and has introduced her and her kid to DC.

The divorce should be granted around Christmas, house is on the market and financial agreement partly sorted.

Life is really crap. The financial worry is the most crippling. He’s left me up shit creek!
I try to put a brave face on for DC but I’m dying inside. Everyone says it gets easier but I am yet to find out when.

After 20 years with the man I loved, I feel lost at sea!

I wouldn't talk about your plans. Disengage and work quietly away at sorting out your life. Emotionally distance yourself. It has meant shutting down part of myself. This is catching up with me now, I receive therapy to have somewhere to put it.

I disagree with the poster who said make a change now. There are only 5 or 6 months until your dc takes their exams. This might seem like a long time but it isn't and it gives you time to plan and prepare. It is a horrible time of things dying inside whilst jollying along and this time of year makes everything seem far worse as there is a pressure to feel happy. You know now and this gives you the upperhand in a way, to plan and prepare. People react in different ways. I don't know how your husband might react but some can start moving money around and all sorts. If you intend to leave, get copies of bank statements, pension details and so on. Think about living arrangements. Look for a job if this is what you need to do. You could easily spend the next 5-6 months sorting out all of this and by then, hopefully you will be more emotionally detatched. I've left it too long op whereby it is affecting my mental health now in a way I never knew it would. There is never a good time I don't think where dc are concerned but I really see now that my dc are not having a good time of it witnessing a dysfunctional relationship, plus the lessons learned about staying in the dysfunction. I admire people who make the move fairly swiftly - they are able to prioritise themselves. For some of us it takes longer.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Is there a chance he might leave you anyway? If so, putting yourself through the trauma of faking it only to have the rug pulled out from under you might be even worse for both you and your son.

If you're trying to fake it for 5-6 months for the sake of your son, the impact on your mental health and the reality of the kind of environment your son will be living in could be equally bad if not worse than if you end it on your terms now.

If your splitting up means you'd have to sell up / all move out, could you ask him to move out temporarily until your son finishes his exams, rather than initiate divorce etc? So retaining your son's home stability as much as possible?

I did, and I'm not an example to follow; simply, I didn't believe I had any other choice, and over time, this prolonged non-relationship created a misery for everyone concerned.

TW: alcoholism, suicide risks, disability

Some background: I'm a migrant and autistic, my XW has serious mental health issues dating back since before we married which she self-medicated with alcohol throughout our marriage.

When our DDs were very young she told me if I left I would never seen then again. Sometimes these things can be said in anger and be resolved, or forgotten. In my case, not having a family network in the UK, knowing my XW very much relied on her mother and the force she could be to defend even her daughter's worst behaviours, I took it very seriously. I estimated a British judge would never trust young daughters to a foreign dad over a British mum, and froze my feelings and behaviours. Some moments were better than others but I prioritised being present with my daughters and countering the pain caused by their mum's alcoholism, her threats of suicide since their toddler years, her choices of house to buy followed by refusals to move, her quitting within days of finding work...

Eventually my DDs were in their teens, both diagnosed autistic, both traumatised by all this, and my career still, miraculously, precariously afloat. It was time to reconsider separation - more painful after so long, but at last they were old enough to be heard - if they spoke through autism and trauma. Then the serious trouble began. I took 5 years through cancer, covid, more suicide attempts and the death of both my XW's parents, before separation became a possibility again.

Result: 20 years of trauma for my daughters since their young years, and a far worse separation including for my XW.

It's up to you hopefully when the disruption happens. You know also your circumstances - and what moving etc would entail and how long it would take. But as a colleague told me, encouraging me: how long will it be before you start living your life? I think many mumsnetters would agree with that.

What’s he saying, does he want to continue for now or is he looking to leave? Use this time to get on your feet, find a job, get prepared re: the house and start looking to the next phase of your life. You are possibly in shock and stalling for time and that’s ok.

Stop doing anything for him though. His laundry, cooking etc. Take some time for yourself, don't answer to him.

I'd try to wait till after gcses though, before making it official, then I'd make it official and say his dad has cheated on you

There's no way I could stay in this situation until next summer I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Thank you all. To answer a few questions, he is not taking about it. He is making me wait until tomorrow when dc is in school. I messaged the OW and she apologised. I asked him to delete her number but he wouldn't.
I have sent in a job application today. I'll see what more I can find tomorrow. Unfortunately I can only apply for minimum wage jobs. It will be a massive struggle on my own.
I have put my dc first for the past 16 years and can definitely ride it out a few more months.

I'm so freighted at what is going to happen. We've been together since school. I don't know any different. I really don't want my life to change.

Don't close your eyes OP or you may wake up having wasted another 13 years.
Whatever you decide, you need to gather all of the relevant financial information. He'll be most interested in protecting himself so he'll be hiding whatever he can.

As for waiting until after Christmas/exams, only you can decide that. However it's very unlikely a 16 year old won't notice something is wrong.
I decided to separate from my Ex Husband in the November of 2008, my kids were younger. I had the conversation in the January, and from then I had to sort things out.
It was extremely difficult living together during that time. He was devastated then extremely angry. Angry ever since.
Staying until next summer, wouldn't have been possible for me.
One thing at a time though, information is your power. And tell him NOTHING of your plans.
Good luck.

Staying until next summer, wouldn't have been possible for me.
One thing at a time though, information is your power. And tell him NOTHING of your plans.

Yes, I understand this. Once I say something, I will need to act upon it as things are very difficult as it stands so drawing it out further would make for an unbearable time. Misscherry can I ask how old your dc were when you divorced? Not that it makes a huge difference I suppose. People divorce at all sorts of ages and stages. Having a dc come through GCSE's would be a turning point though. I can see how this could be the better time of a never good time to instigate the process.

A 16 year old would notice but keeping some kind of peace might be enough to get through and maintain stability rather than a big upheavel and declarations only months before exams begin. Just my take on it.