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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH called me a retard

27 replies

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 10:18

Reflecting on something that happened a number of years ago in my marriage. DH had a habit of name calling in arguments and in daily life.

I was in the kitchen and I couldn’t find the tea towel to dry the dishes, I searched the kitchen - DH was sitting next to DS (6) I was getting annoyed, generally, as it was just in my hand, DH out of nowhere said - It’s right next to you, you retard. Can’t remember if he said fucking retard or absolute retard. It took me by surprise and I was shocked.

I pulled him up on it saying it was a disgusting word, don’t ever call me that again. It was his birthday the next day and my parents had organised a birthday meal for him, got dressed up and were ready to leave, I gave him his gifts and made an effort but I struggled to hide how I was still upset. DH then, 20 minutes before his birthday meal point blank refused to go as I was still punishing him, it was awful and I had to phone my parents to cancel the whole thing. I had then ruined his birthday according to him.

Been called every name under the sun, everything you can think of, even jokey names, not when we are arguing such as lummox, rat, slug etc.

He’s finally stopped with the name calling after I threatened to leave twice and told him I will not tolerate it.

The damage is done however and I feel a complete block when it comes to any kind of physical affection towards him, I cannot bear him touching me. Despite all of this he can be lovely, generous, affectionate, funny, reasonable in an argument and interesting to talk to. He can be so nice and normal. So nice in fact that it feels almost like I have imagined it all. He tried to cuddle and stroke me on the couch last night, wants to watch tv with his head in my lap with me stroking him and I just freeze and want to run away, I still enjoy talking to him about the children, about our day, current events, he’s intelligent and interesting but physically I cannot be near him.

Thank you for reading so far.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 08/12/2024 10:44

Verbal abuse is unacceptable. I would suggest that if there’s no other abuse and if he’s completely stopped the verbal name calling for a considerable time, marriage counselling. He needs to know the damage he’s caused to the relationship and apologise in order for you to be able to move on in a healthy way. If he won’t do it, you need to consider if you can continue in this marriage. Your feelings are valid.

Oodydoody · 08/12/2024 10:47

Completely understandable.
You are in a verbally abusive relationship and the damage cannot be undone.
Don't waste your life on this awful man.
Make plans and move on.
It's over.
Do not have sex with him.
Don't force yourself to do that.
It will destroy you.
He ruined the relationship with his behaviour, that is 100% on him.

LividBauble · 08/12/2024 10:50

That kind of humiliation where you have to cancel an event because of someone’s behaviour?

It’s abusive.

You’re done with him.

Jostuki · 08/12/2024 11:03

Sounds to me that he realised sex would dry up if he carried on abusing you so is now being a smarmy creep and withholding the insults until you give in to him.

Once you start sleeping with him again he will no doubt start with the name calling as he's got what he wants.

Bin the chump.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/12/2024 11:03

He's called you disgusting names in front of your 6 yo, is that behaviour you want your DC to start copying? I think your DH only stopped because you said you'd leave, now you've detached from him I don't know how you go forward Op

HelenInHeels · 08/12/2024 11:07

My ex partner told me talking to me was like having a conversation with an aborigine (sic) or a rabbit. Abusive racist horror. He was like your husband OP. I was called some awful things.

PalePurplePumpkin · 08/12/2024 11:12

Your marriage is dead if you freeze and want to run away when he touches you affectionately.

Regardless of the reason for it, you need to make up your mind how/if you want to proceed in this marriage.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 08/12/2024 11:17

Did you have a question, or just venting? Hopefully you can get your kids away from the abuser.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 11:22

HelenInHeels · 08/12/2024 11:07

My ex partner told me talking to me was like having a conversation with an aborigine (sic) or a rabbit. Abusive racist horror. He was like your husband OP. I was called some awful things.

That’s terrible. I’m sorry you went through that. Awful. Do you mind my asking how you left your husband? I hope you are happy and free now.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/12/2024 11:24

It’s time to make good on earlier threats, this is who he is. Him refusing to go was him training you, so that next time you don’t dare challenge his disgusting behaviour. I hope you told your parents the truth and that him cancelling was to manipulate you into keeping your mouth shut and accepting his abuse.

Think about the environment that your child is growing up in because tolerating this behaviour by staying makes it ok.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 11:31

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2024 11:24

It’s time to make good on earlier threats, this is who he is. Him refusing to go was him training you, so that next time you don’t dare challenge his disgusting behaviour. I hope you told your parents the truth and that him cancelling was to manipulate you into keeping your mouth shut and accepting his abuse.

Think about the environment that your child is growing up in because tolerating this behaviour by staying makes it ok.

I told them he was sick but I wish now that I had told them the truth. When I eventually leave I will tell them about his behaviour but I didn’t want to upset them too much. He is (after years of making fun of my parents behind their backs) making a big effort now with them and telling me how close he feels to them which adds to my guilty feelings of wanting to leave.

OP posts:
JingleB · 08/12/2024 11:32

Repeatedly insulting and belittling you to the point you freeze - that’s a trauma response. Your relationship is dead, there’s no coming back from that.

Calling you a name as a one off, it would be a bit extreme to not be speaking to him the next day and of course he couldn’t go out to celebrate his birthday with you in that atmosphere.

But if it’s part of a pattern of verbally abusing and undermining you, it’s understandable that you would be withdrawn and shut down.

You don’t have to accept being treated like this. Your parents are obviously on the scene, will they support you in kicking you husband to the kerb? They can’t be happy knowing he treats you so badly.

TipsyJoker · 08/12/2024 11:43

TipsyJoker · 08/12/2024 10:44

Verbal abuse is unacceptable. I would suggest that if there’s no other abuse and if he’s completely stopped the verbal name calling for a considerable time, marriage counselling. He needs to know the damage he’s caused to the relationship and apologise in order for you to be able to move on in a healthy way. If he won’t do it, you need to consider if you can continue in this marriage. Your feelings are valid.

given the further info about the cancelling his birthday, I wouldn’t go to counselling with this man. It’s not advisable to go to counselling where there is domestic abuse, which is what this is. As a said in my pp, contact women’s aid.

Opentooffers · 08/12/2024 11:45

He's reigning it in because he knows you're thinking of leaving. But it's all an act to get you to stay, which tbf, has worked so far hasn't it, as you said this all happened years ago? Are you saying its just at the moment you can't bear him touching you, because you've been going over it lately in your head? Or have you been avoiding intimacy for years? Can't blame you, his behaviour on his birthday was appalling, and being called names should not be tolerated. You probably should of left years ago, but stopped short of doing so because he reigned it in. But the damage was already done, and now you are both probably miserable. He might have improved, but did he ever give a heartfelt apology over the years since? That would mean something I suspect, but if he hasn't spontaneously offered one up, he hasn't really learnt how wrong he was.

TipsyJoker · 08/12/2024 11:45

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 11:31

I told them he was sick but I wish now that I had told them the truth. When I eventually leave I will tell them about his behaviour but I didn’t want to upset them too much. He is (after years of making fun of my parents behind their backs) making a big effort now with them and telling me how close he feels to them which adds to my guilty feelings of wanting to leave.

Show quote history

He’s using your parents to manipulate you now. Please, contact women’s aid and get support to make an exit plan.

HelenInHeels · 08/12/2024 12:05

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 11:22

That’s terrible. I’m sorry you went through that. Awful. Do you mind my asking how you left your husband? I hope you are happy and free now.

Show quote history

We were only engaged and didn't have children. I told him I'd had enough when something went snap one day and asked him to leave without thinking about it. I panicked and it was tough financially as I was temping at the time. He left quickly but I didn't know he was having an affair! (They married but she later left him).

I got a permanent job then and he bought me out and I bought my own house, such a relief.

Oodydoody · 08/12/2024 12:13

He is lying scum that is manipulating you because he knows you are done.

Tell them the truth now.
Don't allow them to think he is a decent person when he clearly is nothing of the sort.

Let them help you get away.

Latethirtieslondon · 08/12/2024 14:35

My friend’s mum has a helpful saying that I’ve shared many times over the years: “your body tells you before your mind”.

I was in a similar situation (7 year relationship, no marriage or kids though) where my boyfriend would casually call me things like “loser face” and sulk if I called him up on it (one time we were going out for dinner and he gave me the silent treatment the entire time, and then walked off at the end). He was also very funny, charming, supportive, intelligent etc. Over time the name calling got worse, and then his behaviour got worse too, and I knew we were done the night he told me to “f off” when he was drunk and wanted me to entertain him when I was studying for a class the next day. Like you, my body just stiffened up and I knew I didn’t want him to ever touch again. We broke up and last I heard he was married and an obnoxious and cruel husband.

I’ve had similar physical reactions to situations in some of my other relationships, and every time my body was right. Sometimes the gap between my body telling me and my mind realising and acting on it was very short, others dragged on for years. It’s scary facing it head on, but there’s a huge sense of relief once you do.

Sending you lots of support and hugs, whatever you decide to do 💐

frozendaisy · 08/12/2024 14:42

Is he getting on a bit now and being all nice and lovely because he doesn't want to lose you, his house slave and effective carer as he ages?

People who are just nasty to the core especially spouses who abuse their partners, verbally will do, will only start being nice because it's better for them.

Terrribletwos · 08/12/2024 14:52

Yep, agree with pp, he's probably being nice now cos he's realised you're going to be relied later on . He's called you all sorts of names in the past. That would be enough for me, really doesn't matter if he is trying to play nice now, the damage is done. And you're pulling back from him is saying just that. Make plans and leave him, you will be so much happier. Good luck!

StormingNorman · 08/12/2024 15:01

If he’s stopped and you can’t move past it, your only options are to stay and be resentful or to leave and build a life without him.

Oodydoody · 08/12/2024 15:03

Agree with above..

Great post by @Latethirtieslondon, so true.

Abusers like the OP's husband only change through self interest.

As @late has written your body your gut is screaming at you that you are done.

Don't ever do counselling with an abusive partner, completely self defeating.

Tell your family the truth so they can support you.

ohyesido · 08/12/2024 15:05

Well, that's rude

Strangecat · 31/03/2025 21:35

TwinkleTwinkleTwinkie · 08/12/2024 11:31

I told them he was sick but I wish now that I had told them the truth. When I eventually leave I will tell them about his behaviour but I didn’t want to upset them too much. He is (after years of making fun of my parents behind their backs) making a big effort now with them and telling me how close he feels to them which adds to my guilty feelings of wanting to leave.

Show quote history

so.. he is verbally abusive towards you and for years was making fun of your parents and your still with him??? he is still a nice normal person???
the problem is when we are abused physically or mentally all of it becomes normal. I bet you were laughing when he made fun of your parents!
he is not a nice person and comes across as arrogant. Don’t let him get away with it!