Can I do this?

[HeyItsMeImTheProblem]

Hello MNers. I found out recently that my H has been seeing someone else.

He says he's been u happy for 'months' and this fling has been going on 'a few weeks'.

Until I found out he was in often telling me how happy he was and we've got lots of things booked for 2025 and things always felt good to me.

We have no DC together but he has a DS and so do I. We own the house 50/50.

I am pretty sure we can't come back from this. He's made no real effort to 'fight' for me / us. If anything he's tried to deflect. I just feel so utterly broken into a million pieces.

Please tell me how I get through this. I thought he was my forever person.

He chose to cheat. You didn’t hold a gun to his head and make him go elsewhere. He chose to. He lied to you. Instead of coming to you if he was unhappy, he went looking for validation elsewhere. Don’t let him turn this round on you just because he’s a scumbag.

Go to see a lawyer. Find out where you stand in terms of the home, assets, etc. could you afford the house on your own? Could you buy him out? Could he afford the house on his own and could he buy you out? Do you have to sell the house and take your half of the money? This is what you should be focusing on now if you’ve decided it’s over.

He’s already cheated on you and stiffed you out of the future you’d planned for. Don’t let him stuff you on anything else. Get your ducks in a row. Don’t tell him. Then, when you’re armed end it.

You can do this. It will be better than living with a man who you can’t trust and who has put your sexual health at risk for his own sordid and selfish kicks.

Also, what kind of asshat is unhappy for just a few months and decides that’s enough of a reason to break his vows and stick his dick in another woman?! Seems like it didn’t take very much for him to step out on his marriage. What a selfish loser!

Thank you for your reply.

This is 100% the sort of thing I need to read. I know it's all true and what I would say.

He can't afford the house on his own and neither can I. I also don't want it, it's nowhere near my family so intend to move away. I need to never see him again.

I'm going to book an STI check up too.

I think you def should. Hopefully you will be fine but it’s best to make sure. Moving back to where your support network is would be a good move. Def see a lawyer and find out where things stand. Get on to CMS and make sure he pays for his children.

*apologies. I see you have no children together. Even better. This means you can block him and never have to deal with him again. Put all the house stuff through the lawyer. Cut him out, he’s malignant.

You sound so strong @TipsyJoker , like how I was before met this man. My first H cheated on me too, twice.

My current H knew it was the one thing for me that I would never ever be able to forgive. The one absolute thing that was so so fragile. I'd rebuilt my life once and it took so much for me to move in with my H and marry him. We've been together a long time and everyone thought we had such a great life. My child will be absolutely devastated

He chose his path, you are now free to choose your path happiness.

There are cowards among us, they keep us captive with their lies, but some lucky ones like you today are set free. To live and love fully. Take everything you can to set your future up, he stole your time don’t be shy to steal repayment for it.

It sounds as if you feel you aren’t strong but that’s not really true. You’ve been through this before and you handled it. You rebuilt your life and it takes strength and courage to do that. You are understandably hurt and feeling fragile atm because the person you loved and trusted has betrayed you.
I’m sure that you will be able to support your child through this. I don’t know what age they are but you can explain in an age appropriate way why you’re no longer together. It’s not your fault so don’t feel guilty for ending the marriage. He ended it when he cheated. Children are resilient and you are teaching a very important life lesson to your child. You don’t let anyone treat you with disrespect, no matter who they are. You are modelling self respect to your child and that is invaluable.
I have left an abusive partner in the past and I have worked with loads of women who have done or are in the process of doing the same. I class extramarital affairs as a form of abuse, not just because of the lies and disregard for the feelings of the spouse but also for putting their sexual health at risk. I’m not any stronger than you, I’m just experienced and I’ve seen too many women be destroyed by selfish, abusive men, so I take no prisoners. I sense that you will be fine. You can do this. Keep talking on here when you need to. And if you feel you need support, def contact women’s aid. They will help and support you through this.

Thank you again.

Yes, I don't feel strong enough. When I ask "can I do this" I mean "how can I do this", or "will I get through this".

I don't want to become a bitter person. I don't want to be full of hate but I can't see me ever trusting anyone ever again.

You are right that this is abuse. He has never ever called me names, shouted at me, but he has lied to me, twisted things, gaslit me, and down played my feelings.

This is terrible, @HeyItsMeImTheProblem. He would tell you he was happy and appeared to be, showing no behavior to prove otherwise. It sounds like an opportunity arose to have an illicit fling, so he is rewriting history to justify his adultery and disloyalty. It’s the Script!

It was his responsibility to protect his fidelity. Even if he did have issues, he had ethical options to use to deal with them: tell you and work on them together; access IC or CC; or end the marriage in a decent manner. You are not responsible for his decision to cheat, steal your consent/choices, and risk your health.

I’ve just seen your recent update. He knew that you had previously suffered the abuse of infidelity, yet he has chosen to repeat that abuse and degradation.

@HeyItsMeImTheProblem, he is a massively entitled, self-serving, unempathetic horror. In your shoes, I would make an exit plan and file for divorce asap.

Cheating, lying, twisting, gaslighting, and minimizing your feelings — he is absolutely an abuser. You are understandably devastated, and I hope you will move forward to remove him from your and your child’s lives.

Why do I want to reconcile though? Why does it hurt so much that he doesn't seem to want to?

He says he doesn't think we can get past what he's done as he's burnt our lives to the ground and also that he doesn't know if I can change to make him happy. He said I'm always shouting and screaming at him.

Because it is forcing you to face reality, not the one you hoped for or were spun. I hate these dudes, truly. You certainly can do this.

Just keep me going people. Please just keep telling me all these things. Over and over. I must must must not let the 'what if' dream win. I can't.

He doesn’t know if ‘you can change to make him happy’ Jesus Christ. Make him know he is wrong about his superiority complex. Make him know you seek your own happiness and it doesn’t involve this or him.

I’m so sorry he did this to you, OP, truly xx 💐

When people used to say they were sorry about my first H when I told them he'd cheated they would always say sorry. I'd laugh and say "you don't need to be, you didn't screw someone else". It always lightened it.

This time it feels like it's cut me so so much deeper. It was the one thing he knew would destroy me / us. The one precious thing I could never ever forgive him for. He did it anyway. What an absolute pig.

Because he’s using reverse psychology on you and extremely effectively. He’s saying he wants to walk away so you will beg him to stay. Again, he’s taking all control of the situation away from you and because we don’t like to feel out of control, we will do almost anything to regain control again. So, you want to reconcile so you feel in control again. Not really because you want to be with him anymore. Going to the lawyer, organising you next moves, this is what will give you control back. Because even if you did reconcile, you would never fully feel able to trust him and you would always be watching and waiting for the next betrayal. Fuck that! You decide what happens now, not him. Who does he think he is? Don’t do the pick me dance for this prick.

“he doesn't know if I can change to make him happy. He said I'm always shouting and screaming at him”

This is victim blaming at work. Even if you do shout at him, he could’ve communicated to you that he wasn’t happy with this, he could have left you. He chose to stick his dick in another woman and the. Blame you for his choices. It’s gaslighting.

Look up DARVO.

The more you reveal, the more I think he’s a covert narc. Check out this book

https://ia600600.us.archive.org/31/items/hybridphilosophy-collection/The-Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-by-Debbie-Mirza.pdf

OP, he is utter manipulative scum.

You will get through this.
You will be ok.

You deserve so much better than him.

It hurts so much. It feels like I am being torn in half. I can't see a day when I'll feel happy and whole again. I'm in such utter disbelief. I thought we'd be together forever.

You feel you want to reconcile because it's difficult to switch off the love you had, you will need to go through a period of grief for the relationship. Your immediate task is accepting your relationship is dead but don't accept any responsibility for it, he 'killed' it, not you.

I think I might try to focus my time on sorting out the house ready to sell. I need to strip it back a bit and remove anything with strong memories (photos etc).

The road ahead is so terrifying.

Are you always screaming at him?
Seems an odd thing for him to say.