No solutions but I just need to vent; I hate my life

[ihatemylifeasitis]

I do know the usual, it’s not forever but right now I am stuck in a horrible, horrible situation where I get treated as a SAHM/ skivvy at home where to say I’m the default parent is an understatement as I am part time, and at work, because I am three days a week I am effectively full time (I am a teacher so have same amount of marking, planning and so on.)

I have two children, one just turned four year old and one 16 month old. The four year old is very high energy, doesn’t really watch TV or anything, toys are loud, fast, he is constantly on the go. I’ve always found him difficult if I’m honest but I’ve had horrible feelings lately. As if I hate him which of course I don’t but I just find his constant noise and demands so so hard. It feels like he’s making my life hard on purpose which of course he isn’t.

The 16 month old is just so so clingy it’s unreal. I can’t do anything. She follows me around and cries to be picked up.

I am having an awful time in my marriage. We are just at loggerheads. I’ve tried talking to him and to be honest have had to give up. Somehow things get twisted to be all my fault. Whatever I do is not enough.

I am foul to be around just now: I’m grumpy, snappy, irritable and very easily wound up. I am so miserable and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m haunted by photos from last year when I was happy.

It sounds like your burned out. You need a rest. You need space to breathe. You need more support from your husband.

What does your husband do in terms of division of household labour, mental load and childcare? What does he do for work?

I assume your kids are in nursery and/or school when you’re at work? Do you have them at home the days you’re not at work? If so, could you put them into nursery full time to get some time to yourself?

I wish I could but I just can’t afford this. I’m not in a great way mental health wise but I can’t even get a doctor appointment.

I think you need to call up your GP practice and tell them that your need to see a GP because your mental health is putting you at risk.

Your husband needs to start pulling his weight. You need to alternate things like doing the kids bedtime routines, getting up with them on the weekends, making dinners. If he doesn’t do this, why not? What does he do?

You say all this like it’s so easy. It isn’t, it’s nigh on impossible even getting a GP appointment and getting DH to pull his weight is literally like expecting Santa to come through the chimney, it’s a fantasy, it’s not going to happen.

I have a history of anxiety so not sure if it’s because of that but if I call the surgery and mention it’s mental health they can’t get me an appointment quick enough

Not once did I say it was easy. Don’t vent your anger at me. I’m trying to understand your situation here and be supportive. Why is it so impossible to expect your husband to do his fair share of childcare? Aren’t they his children?

I also know that when it comes to mental health, there is a duty of care because if you ask for help and end up harming yourself, they are at fault. So, call them and tell them that you need urgent support. And you do, because you’re starting to have hateful feelings towards your children. Do you want to leave this to fester until you end up becoming unsafe around your children?

I’m not trying to do that @TipsyJoker but it is a bit frustrating when people say things like ‘get DH to pull his weight’ as if it’s a simple sort of issue. It isn’t, and you cannot make somebody do so if they will not. I cannot speak for other surgeries but I generally can’t even get through to ours and there’s a frustrating system for appointments which basically means you cannot get one.

Your school should have some sort of wellbeing policy and hopefully it might include access to online counselling and alternative GP appointments. The SAS one (schools advisory service) offers both.

Make sure you are not doing anything for your husband. No washing, no cooking, no cleaning up after him, no life admin.

Also can you switch to a different GP surgery?

Ok @ihatemylifeasitis what you can do is call 111 and explain to them that you cannot access care from your GP and that you are feeling at risk and need someone to help you. They will have to provide you with someone who can see you. This might be an out of hours GP who can refer you back to your own GP for continued support. I know it’s not easy to see a GP now, that’s why A&E is so overstretched because people go there instead when they can’t access a GP.

You're right. You can’t make your husband do anything. What you can do is control what you do. So, stop doing anything for him. No washing, no meals, no dishes, no reminding him of things, no preparing lunches or whatever it is that he expects you to do. Don’t do it anymore. If you have a spare room, move his crap into it. Do nothing for him. Start living as if you’re already a single parent. Come and go with the kids as you please. Go and hook up with friends and start building your life back up to one that doesn’t include him. If he says anything just tell him that you’re living as a single parent now because he’s effectively made you one by being an absent husband and father.

Is he abusive?

OP did you want help with your post or to write down your rant? What help would you like if at all from posters?

You’re not alone, I can’t get my head around the appointment system in mine so I go over in person to get an appointment. I rarely go because of this but when I’ve needed it badly enough I manage to get myself an appointment.

It makes very little difference if I do nothing for him. He has odd taste in food so doesn’t tend to have meals with us (and even when he does it doesn’t make his life any easier or harder really - he either eats what I’ve cooked or not.) He wears one pair of jeans and rotates a couple of T shirts / hoodies a week so washing is minimal. What you describe is what I do. And it’s miserable. I am stuck with the kids all week and all weekend too 😂

@BonneMaman77 i do say in the title there are no solutions. The only solution is time really.

@ihatemylifeasitis why are you with him? Do you not think that if you split up, he will have some time with the children and that will actually give you a break?

It’s not that straightforward Tipsy.

Well, can you explain why you’re still with him? It seems he is not supportive, doesn’t look after his children, doesn’t live much of a family life with you, so I’m asking why you’re still together.

Ok, no advice from me then.

I am curious, do you mean time as in kids will grow up, time as in he may get used to kids and pull his weight, or you’re expecting something at a specific future time?

As in kids growing up, really. It isn’t always going to be this intense but right now it is.

Three days a week is not full time by any stretch of the imagination. The level of marking and planning simply cannot be the same as it would be for a five day week.

Your husband sounds crap and you need to look to hiring help, but don’t pretend you’re full time when you simply are not.

Thanks so much for telling us that!

OP just wants to whinge by the looks of things. Don’t bother wasting your time.

I think the options are:

1. leave husband and get some free time while he has kids and let go of clear resentment

2 . change jobs if it’s too much to something requiring less extra work

1. outsource as much as you can housework wise and childcare wise and see gp for support with mental health

OP do try to ring the GP surgery and say you are suffering mental health issues, these are significant, you feel unable to keep safe and you need to see a GP as an urgent appointment.
I have been where you are compete with 2 high energy/needy children.
You need support and help from somewhere and this will be a starting point.
You won't see anything clearly at this time. You can't look into the future just now and plan to make changes because of your mental state/burn out/acute stress reaction.
Please ring them Monday.