No solutions but I just need to vent; I hate my life

[ihatemylifeasitis]

I do know the usual, it’s not forever but right now I am stuck in a horrible, horrible situation where I get treated as a SAHM/ skivvy at home where to say I’m the default parent is an understatement as I am part time, and at work, because I am three days a week I am effectively full time (I am a teacher so have same amount of marking, planning and so on.)

I have two children, one just turned four year old and one 16 month old. The four year old is very high energy, doesn’t really watch TV or anything, toys are loud, fast, he is constantly on the go. I’ve always found him difficult if I’m honest but I’ve had horrible feelings lately. As if I hate him which of course I don’t but I just find his constant noise and demands so so hard. It feels like he’s making my life hard on purpose which of course he isn’t.

The 16 month old is just so so clingy it’s unreal. I can’t do anything. She follows me around and cries to be picked up.

I am having an awful time in my marriage. We are just at loggerheads. I’ve tried talking to him and to be honest have had to give up. Somehow things get twisted to be all my fault. Whatever I do is not enough.

I am foul to be around just now: I’m grumpy, snappy, irritable and very easily wound up. I am so miserable and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m haunted by photos from last year when I was happy.

I can sympathise with working part time as a teacher, especially with a shit job share. It feels like my workload is way more now than it was being full time.

This time of year is hellish but not long til there’s a few weeks off and hopefully you can get some respite and fill your cup a little bit, ready to start the new year with a fresher outlook.

And it’s not too far in the distance till your little one will be eligible for 30 hours and you can carve out some more you time.

Hang in there you’ve got this

Consider asking for support at work. They must have something in place for staff health and wellbeing.
It seems impossible that anything can change, but things can be better than this for you. Your feelings around the children demonstrate that you're struggling. It feels hopeless and I understand why you're not able to take on suggestions.
Just do the GP.

Kinda impossible to know how to help you op if you're just going to bite at anyone who tries.

People aren't mind readers.

What is the reason you haven't left him? There can be a perfectly valid one btw, it might be finances, cultural etc but people can't help you unless you tell them why.

You have answered why not doing anything for him is pointless, but what about if you just walk out for the day on a weekend, leaving him ti the childcare?

If there truly is no solution then you just have to get your head down and muddle through the best you can. As you said your kids won't be this age and at this stage for ever. Try carve out time for yourself when you can. Try streamlining things so that your workload is easier. Standards at Home might have to drop a bit. Essentially do what ever you need to do to get through

Sorry you’re having a hard time, some of this resonates with me.

this might not be a popular opinion but is going back FT an option? I honestly found it easier than looking after kids at home.

it suits my 3 yo DS being FT at nursery as he is very high energy too and loves learning, I couldn’t give him all the stimulation he needs at home.

the extra money might mean you can outsource some of the more rubbish tasks like cleaning and make you feel on a more even keel with your partner.

i think working part time can often fall into the trap of them treating you like you’re a FT employee and a FT SAHM. But without the extra pay.

You say you were happy a year ago. What changed?

You're asking for help but dismissing all of the suggestions. I know a few women who are in terrible relationships with useless men and are utterly miserable and complain all the time, but do absolutely nothing about it. They don't leave, they don't kick them out, they just put up with it and continue to complain. It's very frustrating.

Either take some action, or get on with it.

You will have 60% of the marking of a full time teacher, not the same amount.

You sound stressed and depressed OP which is quite understandable if your husband is blaming you for everything and doesn't help you at all with the children and the general workload.
As suggested please contact your GP and if you can't get an appointment phone 111 and request an urgent appointment citing mental health issues.That's a start and you can begin to take steps from there.
At present you aren't in the right headspace to tackle your husband issues but obviously this needs to be addressed when you are feeling stronger. You think at the moment you're are no solutions but there will be.

I was very similar to you.. part time teacher, two young kids with SEN, unhelpful husband.. it's crap! I actually became very ill with all the stress and had to be signed off sick- I was off for several months which I needed to recover. I think you need to look after your mental health too. Contact the Drs ASAP or if you can't get an appointment then NHS 111. Good luck.. there is light on the other side of all this x

I feel a lot of compassion for you. It is awful when you are basically stuck with this collection of issues which are not easy at all to address, and you don't have the energy to fix them, and you can't even get the help for yourself that your need.

One thing you mentioned concerns me - you have a partner who constantly twists conversations around. I have noticed a major difference in the lives of women who have supportive and decent partners comparend with situations where their partner is adversarial and things are unequal; life becomes particularly hard for women stuck in these dynamics, and this amplifies the challenges of raising children and managing a family.

Kids grow up and have different needs and you will continue to be primary carer. So you are choosing not to challenge the status quo until an undetermined future.

Perhaps then you gather around yourself the support you, support from friends and family and your own mental health, to make the long haul somewhat more pleasant for you and the kids?