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Original poster

Disabled children

66 replies

Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 08:13

Sorry if I have posted it the wrong place. I am new to this.

I really need to get some help and I'm too embarrassed to discuss irl with anyone.

I have a partner I have been with 4.5 years. We each had a child from a previous relationship. Both children have autism. My son is high functioning his son is low functioning non verbal and has global development delays.

I feel so sad to say this but I feel like I cannot cope with having a Sen child and being with someone with a Sen child.

I am grieving for my sons future because his struggles as he gets older are becoming more and more apparent and I find being around his son really triggering.

I don't know if it's because I think I need to be greatful that my son is not having needs as high as him and it makes me feel guilty for feeling sad about my child but i get this overwhelming guilty feeling whenever I am around his son. I get so anxious I start shaking and feel like I'm panicking.

The children are innocent and have not asked to have disabilities and I feel like a monster that my body reacts that way just being around his son.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm an awful person for having this reaction.

In our relationship his son has had so many accidents due to his lack of understanding and it makes me feel absolutely horrified when stuff happens like I'm responsible for these things and I can't protect him because I don't even know what I am doing with my own child let alone him. I freeze in these moments and sometimes need to throw up. He's so vulnerable and I the adult am useless to help.

I am expected as his dad's girlfriend I think to have more of a caring role but I feel like I can't do It when I am like this.

Yesterday he threw up over himself loads and my partner's mum was asking me to help clear it up but I froze. What is wrong with me!?!? Naturally she got pissed off with me for not helping.

I have a type of OCD where I can't handle mess and germs. I am constantly struggling with my own son's germs as horrible as that sounds and his son runs around licking things and spitting on stuff and I find it so hard to be around but I know he can't help it.

I know it's a me problem and I need help but I'm so devastated I am such a horrible person I can't even bring this up to a professional because they will think I'm a discriminating awful person and will likely think how can I be the mother of a Sen child and look after them when I feel like this over
another Sen child.

OP posts:
Claire2361 · 07/12/2024 08:29

Hey, firstly try not to feel guilty it's clearly your heart is in the right place.
We're only human and all can have difficult or surprising reactions to things, my daughter is also autistic, she attends a specialist school and is definitely the most 'high functioning' of her peers.
I too can sometimes find myself feeling uncomfortable, I can't put my finger on it, but I guess i do feel a bit conflicted, as I spent years fighting to get her support and worrying, our day to day can be very difficult to the point I've had breakdowns, so i think when I'm faced with what we see as a child who needs even more support it can make us feel conflicted.

Id suggest speaking honestly with your partner about how you feel, your OCD is not a you problem, my daughter is diagnosed with OCD(different type) and it's very much something that needs accommodating. If you just hold this in it's not fair on anyone.

As long as your intentions are good and you're honest I'm sure you can all work through this in a way that benefits the children. Best of luck

StormingNorman · 07/12/2024 08:56

You’re not a horrible person and you can’t help how you feel. Counselling may help get over the fear of feeling responsible for a profoundly disabled child. Otherwise, I don’t see a future where you can happily and comfortably share a house with this child.

In case you need to hear it - separating or living apart over this doesn’t make you a bad person.

Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:02

Claire2361 · 07/12/2024 08:29

Hey, firstly try not to feel guilty it's clearly your heart is in the right place.
We're only human and all can have difficult or surprising reactions to things, my daughter is also autistic, she attends a specialist school and is definitely the most 'high functioning' of her peers.
I too can sometimes find myself feeling uncomfortable, I can't put my finger on it, but I guess i do feel a bit conflicted, as I spent years fighting to get her support and worrying, our day to day can be very difficult to the point I've had breakdowns, so i think when I'm faced with what we see as a child who needs even more support it can make us feel conflicted.

Id suggest speaking honestly with your partner about how you feel, your OCD is not a you problem, my daughter is diagnosed with OCD(different type) and it's very much something that needs accommodating. If you just hold this in it's not fair on anyone.

As long as your intentions are good and you're honest I'm sure you can all work through this in a way that benefits the children. Best of luck

Honestly this isn't the kind of reaction I was expecting. I also can't put my finger on it why I feel this way. I am so scared that I am a horrible person and this will impact my son and I'm going to make him feel bad about himself. I have reactions like this towards him sometimes but not as often. Sometimes he surprises me with something he will do like coming close to my face and licking me and my reaction is to snap at him because I can't handle the germs. Or if he puts his fingers in his sauce and smears it at dinner my body gets chills and I feel like I'm just not good for them. My mental health has been so bad and I feel like I can't escape if. I'm terrified to say any of this to my partner he will think I'm a monster. He is like someone who will not bat an eye lid and mess and germs if it helps either of our kids and I'm the opposite. He handles it so well it makes me feel worse that I'm so rubbish. My son isn't half as bad but he does have gross tendencies and sometimes I just find it too overwhelming. I struggle to go out in public with him because of things he says or does and that people will see my face and think I'm horrible. I just spiral over it because I over think and the guilt makes me want to run away. My son will be attending a specialist secondary school and when the LA and sendco told me this is better for him my heart sank. I couldn't believe he was that bad to have to attend a specialist school and then I felt like a nasty mother to think that about him. I really don't know why I'm like this.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 07/12/2024 09:03

It sounds like your needs are not compatible with your partner's child. I don't know very much about OCD but I assume that it is part of who you are and isn't going to disappear with counselling or medication. In which case I think you may need to step away from this relationship.

Roseprose · 07/12/2024 09:04

You're human, i don't know how to word this sensitively but it's a huge commitment to be a part of a blended family with a child with a plethora of needs. I'd advise walking away from the relationship if you feel this way, it is a shame if you love your partner but his child will always be his child.

Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:05

StormingNorman · 07/12/2024 08:56

You’re not a horrible person and you can’t help how you feel. Counselling may help get over the fear of feeling responsible for a profoundly disabled child. Otherwise, I don’t see a future where you can happily and comfortably share a house with this child.

In case you need to hear it - separating or living apart over this doesn’t make you a bad person.

I understand what your saying but I think reality is that if I said I can't be with someone with a disabled child it is never going to be ok or go down well. I thought about this many times but I feel like il be letting everyone and myself down. I love his dad and I do care about his son I just find it so over whelming. My family think we have an amazing relationship and our children are lucky and I just inside feel terrified and anxious all the time. I also think I'm discriminating against a disabled child if I choose to not be with his dad because I find it too hard. That surely can't be ok.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 07/12/2024 09:07

@Worstpersonever89 sorry you are going through this. I think it’s good you posted here to get some emotional support
I also think post this on maybe a disabilities section or something similar to get that practical support too to get hopefully more mums in a similar position to you.
I was going to suggest some kind of therapy for yourself for the ocd as it will help. However not sure how practical this is as sounds like you have your hands full with responsibilities.
Do have a think about if you ended things if you would miss your bf, the companionship ect … it might help guide you if you can work this out or need to end it. Sending you a massive hug x

Claire2361 · 07/12/2024 09:13

I think the sole most important thing here is your mental health, for you and your child. If the situation you're in right now is making it unbearable and you're not functioning well you need to remove yourself from it, his son will have all the care he needs by the sounds of it. I would also suggest talking with a doctor about some of the things you've brought up here, there is help and support out there.
You are not a failure, you are trying your best.

Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:16

AnonAnonmystery · 07/12/2024 09:07

@Worstpersonever89 sorry you are going through this. I think it’s good you posted here to get some emotional support
I also think post this on maybe a disabilities section or something similar to get that practical support too to get hopefully more mums in a similar position to you.
I was going to suggest some kind of therapy for yourself for the ocd as it will help. However not sure how practical this is as sounds like you have your hands full with responsibilities.
Do have a think about if you ended things if you would miss your bf, the companionship ect … it might help guide you if you can work this out or need to end it. Sending you a massive hug x

I have tired to seek help from GP before for years they tell me that I have anxiety and try and give me medication for that. It didn't work it made me spaced out and I can't be spaced out when I have a high needs child to look after. I think before I met my partner I was so relaxed and felt at ease I could be more patient with my son and try figure him out. (Not aware of additional needs but he was his own character). Mess still bothered me but I tried to organise the mess if that makes sense so it wouldn't be out of control..now I just feel like my head's all over the place with guilt and anxiety that I don't feel I'm functioning well enough for him I feel so sad that I chose this relationship but I didn't know it would be this hard. Part of my struggle is trying to come to terms with my own child's needs and I feel guilty if I'm ever upset around him about my son so I keep it inside as not to upset him or make him feel worse. I just want to be a normal person who doesn't feel like this so I can be a good role model and help them both. I dont know what I can do to achieve that. Will a gp say it's a safe guarding concern for my son if I say things like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:18

Geneticsbunny · 07/12/2024 09:03

It sounds like your needs are not compatible with your partner's child. I don't know very much about OCD but I assume that it is part of who you are and isn't going to disappear with counselling or medication. In which case I think you may need to step away from this relationship.

I'm to embarrassed to do this in real life. Everyone will think I'm awful and be disgusted that I am leaving my partner because of his sons needs. Also people will think how can I be a mother of a Sen child if that's my attitude. I feel like I need to fix myself rather than just walk away because that wil just make my anxiety 1000x worse feeling like IV let everyone down

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 07/12/2024 09:21

@Worstpersonever89 i think you could try cbt ( cognitive behavior therapy) instead of all the drugs which I don’t think are good for your situation as you need to be alert. Try get a self help book or read some articles to see if it could help.i think you are over whelmed tbh. Sorry if you’ve already said but do you live with your partner or son? If not is there any way you can start merging without kids for a while? It sounds like his mum can help .. do you have anyone to help with your son? Does he see his dad at all. I think you need a little break to get your thoughts in place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2024 09:22

Step back from all the guilt and self flagellating. Being in a relationship is supposed to make your life better - easier, more fun, happier.

This one isn’t doing that so move on.

AnonAnonmystery · 07/12/2024 09:23

Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:18

I'm to embarrassed to do this in real life. Everyone will think I'm awful and be disgusted that I am leaving my partner because of his sons needs. Also people will think how can I be a mother of a Sen child if that's my attitude. I feel like I need to fix myself rather than just walk away because that wil just make my anxiety 1000x worse feeling like IV let everyone down

Show quote history

You can walk away without directly saying you can’t cope with your partners son. Bear in mind you have a sen child plus an ocd. Don’t beat yourself up. You are being honest with yourself and that’s enough right now.

RedHelenB · 07/12/2024 09:24

You need to end the relationship. Anything other than that then you are being selfish.

Geneticsbunny · 07/12/2024 09:26

@Worstpersonever89 unless they have cared for a severely disabled child then they have no right to judge you. I have and I absolutely know that in that situation you always have to put yourself first. The saying " you can't pour from an empty bucket" is very important in parenting disabled kids. Honestly please do what you need to to care for yourself or you could end up having a breakdown and then your partner will have to care for all three of you!

Geneticsbunny · 07/12/2024 09:27

I guess the only other solution is to get more care in place for his son from PAs so you don't need to provide it but that is really their choice not yours.

INeedNewShoes · 07/12/2024 09:29

This is not a failing on your part. You feel anxious all the time. This isn't ok. It's also not because there's something wrong with you. Most people would feel like this in your situation.

My DD has health issues and is probably ASD. I'm single. I can barely contemplate having even a non-complicated relationship. My energy is pretty much all consumed looking after myself and DD which I'm managing ok. I don't have the capacity to take on a committed relationship, regardless of whether that person has a child.

How does your DS find the situation? I'd imagine it feels stressful for him a lot of the time if it does for you?

Stop worrying about what other people will think. It's actually your job to put yourself and your child before anyone else. So you wouldn't be in the wrong to leave a relationship that is so demanding on your mental health.

cheezncrackers · 07/12/2024 09:30

You are not a horrible person OP. It sounds like you are getting a sort of trauma response from your DP's DS's behaviour. You're shaking, needing to throw up - goodness me that is not something trivial! Yes, you may need to get some proper help for your OCD, but no one is going to think you're a horrible person for saying you can't deal with his DS's behaviour - I think most people would find it extremely difficult to handle and actually find being in a relationship with your DP untenable, because of it. Does that make most of us horrible? No. It makes the situation horrible, but you don't have to be in a relationship with this man or have his DC in your life. Also, you don't have to tell people that this is the reason you broke up - you can just say the relationship wasn't working and leave it at that. It's actually no one else's business.

Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:34

AnonAnonmystery · 07/12/2024 09:21

@Worstpersonever89 i think you could try cbt ( cognitive behavior therapy) instead of all the drugs which I don’t think are good for your situation as you need to be alert. Try get a self help book or read some articles to see if it could help.i think you are over whelmed tbh. Sorry if you’ve already said but do you live with your partner or son? If not is there any way you can start merging without kids for a while? It sounds like his mum can help .. do you have anyone to help with your son? Does he see his dad at all. I think you need a little break to get your thoughts in place.

We don't live together no. We see eachother every weekend. When I said I need some weekends respite just with my son it wasn't taken well. My son doesn't see his dad he's with me anytime he's not at school. He also struggles a bit with my partner's son because he doesn't like the loud swimming noises he's very sensitive and he thinks his son is being naughty because he doesn't stop obviously when he's told. I try and explain to my son he does those noises too but he seems oblivious to his own noises.

OP posts:
Alittlebitfluffy · 07/12/2024 09:34

Geneticsbunny · 07/12/2024 09:27

I guess the only other solution is to get more care in place for his son from PAs so you don't need to provide it but that is really their choice not yours.

Agree with this. I don't feel like the responsibility for his care should fall on you just because you are the woman. For his mother to have this attitude is ridiculous.

AmethystMist · 07/12/2024 09:35

Hi OP, I think it's absolutely fine and normal to put your son's needs first.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about prioritising your own child just because your partner's child has higher needs.

If the current setup doesn't feel healthy for you and your son it's totally fine to step away.

Prioritising the needs of your son and giving yourself what you need in order to support him is not the same thing as judging your partner's child.

Roseprose · 07/12/2024 09:38

You don't have to explain why you want to leave the relationship to anyone else except for him, even then it's not working for me right now is fine.

Original poster
Worstpersonever89 · 07/12/2024 09:42

All those responses have really surprised me I thought everyone was going to tell me I'm awful and both children deserve someone better in their lives. I think I'm just worried about hurting my partner and letting our families down. Our relationship isn't faulted in anyway hes just the most kindness man you will ever meet and I'm just not good enough. If I ended the relationship he will know it's due to our kids needs because nothing else can be faulted with him. I honestly love him so much it hurts to think of not being with him. I know if I have a conversation with him about it it will make or break us and I'm scared of his reaction. He sees my reaction when his son gets hurt or something happens that I'm over whelmed with and I know he thinks it's an odd reaction. Does anyone know how i can articulate these feelings without being offensive?

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 07/12/2024 09:49

I'd keep it simple. Something along the lines of

I'm feeling overwhelmed with our situation and I can't continue our relationship. My DS needs quiet weekends to recharge and I need to put him first. I'm feeling close to burnout and I can't give this relationship the energy it deserves.

INeedNewShoes · 07/12/2024 09:50

There will be hurt feelings but that's just life. End of relationships is always hurtful whatever the circumstances. You are not responsible for everyone's happiness.