Disabled children

[Worstpersonever89]

Sorry if I have posted it the wrong place. I am new to this.

I really need to get some help and I'm too embarrassed to discuss irl with anyone.

I have a partner I have been with 4.5 years. We each had a child from a previous relationship. Both children have autism. My son is high functioning his son is low functioning non verbal and has global development delays.

I feel so sad to say this but I feel like I cannot cope with having a Sen child and being with someone with a Sen child.

I am grieving for my sons future because his struggles as he gets older are becoming more and more apparent and I find being around his son really triggering.

I don't know if it's because I think I need to be greatful that my son is not having needs as high as him and it makes me feel guilty for feeling sad about my child but i get this overwhelming guilty feeling whenever I am around his son. I get so anxious I start shaking and feel like I'm panicking.

The children are innocent and have not asked to have disabilities and I feel like a monster that my body reacts that way just being around his son.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm an awful person for having this reaction.

In our relationship his son has had so many accidents due to his lack of understanding and it makes me feel absolutely horrified when stuff happens like I'm responsible for these things and I can't protect him because I don't even know what I am doing with my own child let alone him. I freeze in these moments and sometimes need to throw up. He's so vulnerable and I the adult am useless to help.

I am expected as his dad's girlfriend I think to have more of a caring role but I feel like I can't do It when I am like this.

Yesterday he threw up over himself loads and my partner's mum was asking me to help clear it up but I froze. What is wrong with me!?!? Naturally she got pissed off with me for not helping.

I have a type of OCD where I can't handle mess and germs. I am constantly struggling with my own son's germs as horrible as that sounds and his son runs around licking things and spitting on stuff and I find it so hard to be around but I know he can't help it.

I know it's a me problem and I need help but I'm so devastated I am such a horrible person I can't even bring this up to a professional because they will think I'm a discriminating awful person and will likely think how can I be the mother of a Sen child and look after them when I feel like this over
another Sen child.

I think before you go into the conversation it is best to think about what you are aiming for in the conversation. In terms of, are you saying you will need to end the relationship, live separately, or something else? I think knowing what you're ultimately trying to say will mean the conversation is clearer.

I think as far as what you could say so as not to be offensive, I think the situation is that your child has SEN, his needs are changing as he gets older, and as a parent you feel you need to focus on supporting his needs - you think that in order to do this you need to do X (separate, live separately, whatever you think is needed). Just say as a parent your child needs all of your energy right now.

I don’t think you are a horrible person, no one has ever said I really want to clean up sick and other bodily fluid for free for my whole life.

You are grieving for a life you thought you might have, no one goes into the parenting game thinking they will send up a carer

Your partners child isn’t genetic yours, of course you aren’t going to feel the same about them as your own child, that’s human nature.

As for talking to your partner, lead with “I am feeling” or “this makes me feel” statements. Don’t blame the child or partner for anything, sympathise with the situation but then then explain how it’s making you feel. If you can add in any solutions this could work too

Honestly OP it's fine for you to put yourself first, it's sad how you speak about yourself, you deserve to be happy and not have the weight of the expectations of others about your life on your shoulders.

It's made me feel quite teary how understanding everyone has been. Maybe he will be understanding to. I just feel it's a sensitive topic. I guess maybe how I expect people to react is how I'd feel if someone felt that way about my son? And I'd hate it if it was me and it very well may be one day that someone cannot handle my son's needs. I just want to be respectful. I don't want to end the relationship but how can we have a relationship if I have to minimise time spent with the kids together and what kind of future do we have if we live separately. I'm not sure how to say I don't want to live with you and blend properly but be together I think he wil be disappointed and feel like abandoned and that makes me feel sad. I am really down ATM with depression and anxiety so I have low self esteem and I over think others judging me and also feel like if I let people around me down it really affects me mentally too.

The more I see of your updates, the more I’m seeing two separate factors:

One: Your son has higher needs than you first thought and you are understandably finding it difficult to come to terms with what your lives might look like. At the same time, your partner’s child with more complex needs is holing up a mirror and it’s scary.

Two: you are concerned about what other people will think. I hope this thread assures you that people will sympathise with your position. It is incredibly tough to care for your own child with high needs. More so when the child isn’t yours.

Could you get more care for your son and he for his and when you could spend time either just the two of you or just with one child? Have either of you had a care assessment from the council?

Also how old are both boys? Is it worth a temporary stepping back until they are over 18?

I think it is OK to not want to face it. I have two dc with asd and I think that I would not wish to be involved with anyone else with disabled children as I have enough to deal with. I think you need though to be honest and step away. Maybe you should just see each other without the children if possible? That may well not be possible in which case you might need to consider letting things go.

I think you need to break up Op, you're obviously very sensitive and don't want to be unkind but the truth is you're not coping. You can manage when your DS is ill because he's your child but your DSS triggers your OCD, you feel anxious, then you feel guilty, it's making you unhappy.
Sadly it doesn't sound as if your DSS will ever be able to live independantly so this could be a lifelong situation for you, I don't see how you could manage all those years feeling as you do

I have a disabled child. I used to be in a relationship with a man with 2 children (almost identical ages to my 2). They had ADHD and the behaviour of the older one was very difficult.

It was one of the reasons I left him. I was using all my headspace looking after my own 2 and I found his oldest incredibly irritating and just didn't have the patience to deal with it.

(I do think it was more than ADHD as he was then expelled from 4 high schools and is a difficult and rather frightening adult).

It's fine to decide you have enough to deal with.

Yeah I think you have worded it perfectly here. I never imagined my son would have a disability and because he's high functioning I thought that isn't so bad. The more school tell me about his struggles and how they expect special school is the way forward makes me feel suffocated and my heart so heavy. I love him more than anything and it doesn't change who he is for me but the thought of life being so much harder for him and not having a typical experience is scary. Then seeing how my partner's son is makes me feel like how dare I feel this bad for my son. Does that make sense? And I think being around his son or like any child really with additional needs makes me feel triggered. I can't even stand the support groups anymore because the struggles I hear from other parents scare me so much.

This.

Your partner's son is massively increasing your anxiety. It sounds like you're already at your limit and can't take anymore, and there's nothing wrong with that.

"I am expected as his dads GF, I think, to have more of a caring role" - not necessarily and certainly less input and caring than your DP, who does have responsibility for as his main carer. Where was your DP when his DS was throwing up over himself?

if I said I can't be with someone with a disabled child it is never going to be ok or go down well.

But you don't need to say that or to frame it that way at all. The relationship isn't working out and you are allowed to end it without in-depth justification, judgement or any such thing. You're overwhelmed, not coping and need to focus on your DS and yourself. You're having a bad time and need to end it and be on your own with your son. That's all you need to say. Tbh it doesn't sound like he's thinking of how you're impacted anyway, and cynically I have to wonder if it's helpful for him to have you around when it's his turn to take care of his DS. Don't be guilted into sublimating your own needs and your son's for boyfriend and his DS. You don't live together, you've made no vows, it's not working out, end it. You're not a bad person and you have your limits. Heed them and move forward.

As a PS, don't be frightened about special schools. My son changed from mainstream at 8.

There are still choices, especially as they get older.

My son wouldn't want to be put in respite he can't do holiday clubs because he has really bad serperation anxiety and his social skills are almost non existent. My parents can help but I feel sad not spending time with him because he is in school so my time with him is limited or so it feels. We do spend some time together alone when he takes annual leave off. I'm currently not working due to my son's school schedule as it's not full time. Mine is 7 his is 8 and I think my partner is the best person in the world I couldn't imagine not being with him. It's just me that's the problem

I think you are think and feel things alot more than others because of your empathy for others. It can be a good and bad thing. I know from experience of how I am. Empaths can be their own worse enemy sometimes.

You are not the problem though. Try speak to your partner again about the break on the weekend and impact it has on you and they work through your ocd with done self help / proper therapy. I know many posters are saying break up but I do wonder how you will hope with that heart break or if it’s necessary. Maybe if he can give you the space you can try salvage it, if it doesn’t work out you know you’ve tried your best.

I understand. I think because my son hadn't had a diagnosis I wasn't expecting us to both have a disabled child. I was fine with his child but I think it's like the realisation of my own child's needs has made me feel so overwhelmed.

His son is not badly behaved at all he just has sensory needs where he licks and spits and I think that it's my issue not his. I should be accepting and understanding not throwing up and shaking as a response. This is what makes me feel so bad. If he was badly behaved I think I could justify it better but I feel like he's so innocent and I feel so sad that I can't be a better person in this scenario.

Do you live together? It not your job or responsibility to care for his son, does he care for yours, or are you the one doing both?
Just quit it with the "I'm the problem" . You are not, most people would not want to be in this situation, and you don't have to be.

We were out at a Christmas event and I was stood with his mum and son and he was in the crowd somewhere and I just frozen when she asked for help I'm not like good at being firm and always worry il make a bad impression so I felt like I couldn't say to her "sorry I can't touch his sick I'm freaking out" because I would look like I'm horrible and not helping a disabled child.

This has made me cry ☹️ I know I shouldn't be feeling this way it's just so hard to digest. He's been in mainstream since nursery and he's never had a full time table so I feel like ive been in denial all this time but the realisation actually breaks my heart. Do other parents go through this? I am overly sensitive I think my mental health is making me so emotional.

I think having some time on weekends would really help but he did find it unfair when I suggested this so I said it's fine and carried on. His son can't speak to say he finds it hard and my son has melt downs which he deals with so well so he can't see an issue. I just feel myself getting so overwhelmed and crying a lot.

It’s okay to find this situation overwhelming. I’d take a complete break from the relationship for a while and see how you feel. It won’t get easier in time and it’s ok if it’s just not for you. You have a lot of your own to handle. Focus on yourself, therapy and coming to terms with your child’s dx.

We don't live together but I only get week day evenings with my own son on weekends he brings his son to my home or we go out places and I find it very hard to cope. He does care for both of them he's not like me at all he's someone who wouldn't have an issue to do self care for my son or his and he would happily probably clear my sons sick up. He isn't screaming and is so selfless.