Husband behaviour

[number30]

On occasions I talk about the future with my husband, I might suggest a holiday idea or something. He sometimes responds with things like, ‘Yes, that sounds good, but I won’t be with you’, or once he said ‘Hopefully you’ll be dead’, when I suggested our life in ten years. Is this abusive behaviour by him?

Is this a wind up? Of course it's abusive. Why are you even with him?

Of course it's abusive.

Why choose to havensomeone in your life who dislikes you this much? And how do you get anything planned if he is insulting and facetious about holidays and future plans?

Red flag right there.

He must have been messing, surely no one would actually say that and be serious.

Not sure anymore.

You’ve hit the nail there.

I’m curious as to how you respond to these comments.

WTF?

If you are serious how can you not see the huge problem here?

I'd pack his bags.

I have realised that we don’t, I have learnt to avoid talking about the future to avoid this type of feedback. After 25 years, it’s very sad.

Yes indeed, WTF, airing it on here, I can see the problem.

Not sure I can do that, think I’ve got a narcissist on my hands and need to tread carefully.

Think I’ve worked it out now! Thanks

No, I don’t believe he was. I suppose I’ve learnt to pick my battles.

Yup! Sadly 25 years on.

Thank you. Clear as day. That gives me strength.

No, I meant how do you respond to his comments!

Oh dear me, I fear I’m a nervous wreck! It’s a weird one, I don’t respond, I take it as given. If I think back to half term week when we were away when he said it, I said nothing back. I suppose I’ve learnt to pick my battles, if his behaviours/actions impacted on the family or practicalities of everyday life I’d step in with a response, or an insistence for common sense. But directed at me, I’ve learnt to say/do nothing. Yet he probably prides himself on being a very modern man and respectful. I’ve had 26 years of this, he behaves like his late father, a most unpleasant man, and also his father. I don’t know why I don’t respond to these comments, added fear of rejection maybe?

@number30, this is shocking. His hateful remarks to you do impact the family. Such contempt toward a partner sets a power imbalance and toxic environment in the home. The targeted spouse and children walk on eggshells and anxiety is normalized, which is a destructive dynamic.

Can you find a way to plan an exit strategy to leave this sadist who enjoys demeaning and taunting you?

Feel so sad for you x

Is he teasing you?

It’s quite unsettling if he’s serious. After all that time together and a child, you are entitled to feel secure in your relationship.

I understand that no one wants to feel rejected, but given what you have described, being rejected by him, as you are being, isn’t much of a loss. It’s difficult that you’ve lost so many years in his orbit but please don’t waste anymore.

I’ve been searching for answers. I suspect he is on the autistic spectrum, my youngest is, and I think that it dates back three generations that I know of. Which makes it complicated, but I feel that after years of filtering out inappropriate, offensive, unfounded, and sometimes sexual natured comments, these are now the last ones I am challenging, and this time for me. When we got back from our half term break I said that it wasn’t ‘great’ and he knew I meant that we should think about divorce. He agreed. It’s hard, there’s a lot of history of struggling on my side and regret that I haven’t acted sooner. However, the kids are well adjusted and I have worked hard in the last ten years to build a new life through a work project. Think I’m ready to go. It’s hard though. Think I just needed to say something out loud and check that his comments aren’t acceptable.

Yes agreed. I’ve never felt secure, always on edge but now thinking divorce is right. Feels like the biggest hurdle.