Need a laugh - rough day - best jokes here please!

[Flyhigher]

Had a really bad day.
Two big things gone badly wrong.
With sister and work.

Work is partly my fault. Feel shit.

But ---

I like your best jokes here as a distraction!

How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
Maybe we can rank the jokes too x

It's a old one . . . .

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To see his flat mate.

Not a joke but makes me laugh when I hear it.
When watching someone do something arse about face or or disorganised.
"You look like a accident looking for somewhere to happen "

Also not a joke but hopefully will give you a laugh

Love both of these x

Why was the beach wet?

The sea weed

Still my favourite ever 💕

My favourite…

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until its bill withers.

Very funny

I'm old so this might not be funny to everyone, it's one of my favourites though.
Bill and Ben (the flowerpot men, from kids TV yonks ago) were in the bath, Bill farted and Ben said quater past 2.

Daughters just been to the Caribbean
Jamaica?
No , she wanted to go

🤣🤣🤣🤣
Iv not heard that one before .

@catzrulz @ScottBakula I don't get it!

What's brown and sticky....

A stick.

Why are Pirates called Pirates?

Because they Arrree 😁

Why did Tigger have his head down the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

credit to Bob Monkhouse...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad.
Not screaming in fear like his passengers.

Ohhh I have a mumsnet one...

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just the one. They hold the bulb whilst the whole world revolves around them.

I went to the zoo but there was only 1 small white dog there - it was a shitzu

I have a new recipe for Chicken Tarka. It’s like Chicken Tikka but a little otter.

At the restaurant the waiter asked if I had and allergies or intolerances. I said I can't stand vegans.

@Smellsliketuna I've reported your joke. Offensive, nasty and goady

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus ...

I don't know what @Smellsliketuna responded to me but I'm assuming it wasn't nice.

The joke that always makes me laugh possibly because of how awful it is 🤣

A bear walked into a pub. And said "can i have a coke and a pint of......beer." The barman asked "why the big pause(paws) ? "
🤣🤣🤣

(It was even worse than the first one, which is saying something. Hopefully banned now. I was about to report it but it had already gone.)

Here's another one:

In Anguilla, a steak pie is $2.39. In Aruba, a steak pie is $2.69. In Barbados, a steak pie is $2.19. In Trinidad, a steak pie is $2.59. In Cayman, a steak pie is $2.99.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

There were three old ladies sitting on a bench.

The first said, "Isn't it windy!"
The second replied, "No, I think it's Thursday."
The third said, "So am I. Let's go and get a cup of tea."