Need a laugh - rough day - best jokes here please!

[Flyhigher]

Had a really bad day.
Two big things gone badly wrong.
With sister and work.

Work is partly my fault. Feel shit.

But ---

I like your best jokes here as a distraction!

How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
Maybe we can rank the jokes too x

Classic from my DF:

Which is spicier, a tikka dhal or a tarka dhal?
A Tarka dhal is a little 'otter.
🥁

😂

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie talkie

What do you call man and wife in a boat?

Rod and a net 🤣

Another BM one....
"When I said I wanted to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me. Well they're not laughing now!" 🤣

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy....so happy got out.

The seven dwarfs were in bed feeling grumpy...so grumpy got out.

The seven dwarfs were....you get the idea.

2 tampons bypass each other in the street which one said hi first.
Neither they're both stuck up c*#ts.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Goliath
Goliath who
Goliath down. You looketh tired!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nana
Nana who?
Nana your business!

One of my faves - (courtesy of Ken Dodd)
What a great day for shoving a cucumber through the vicar's letter box and shouting "Watch Out! The Martians are coming!"

Two lions walking through town. One says to the other: "Not many people about".

How do you get Pikachu on the bus?

You pokemon.

I was once offered a job

at the Council as a Noise Pollution Officer.

I had to turn it down

The annual pantomime

for The Paranoid Society, descended into chaos yesterday

when someone shouted out ‘he’s behind you

A wee woman was rushing to the chapel on Sunday when she tripped and fell…a wee boy was passing by and she asked him ‘Son, is mass out?’ He said ‘naw, but your hat’s squinty’ (askew for the non-Scot’s)

Love that!

Sorry if this is a repeat …. what’s brown and sticky?

A stick

Why did the pirate walk the plank ?

Because he didn't have a dog.

Man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm & says “ A pint for me & one for the road” 🤣

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
The first koala landed on it

Mary: I knew a man with a wooden leg called Smith

Poppins: What was his other leg called?

Oh, please