Advice

[Boredandgrumpynow]

I feel I have messed up my life. I am 42. Two children that I shared with ex who don't really want to stay with me in my tiny house. My parents hate me for having an affair and leaving my husband. I have to spend all my time working. My DP lives a long way away and won't move to me and I can't leave here. I hardly have any money and can't buy a house. My children have their own rooms at there dad's and have to share a tiny room here. A few weeks ago I was so sad as one of them called my exes partner 'mum'. Any advice? I am just so tired all off the time.

I mean this in the kindest way but sounds like there was no long term plan when you were having the affair. Why doesn’t your DP want to move near you? At this stage as your children seem to becoming estranged from you, I would advise not to have him move in with you. Give your DC a chance to adjust as they are hurting in a whole different way to you. I don’t agree with affairs but your parents in time will hopefully adjust and accept the situation, they don’t have to even like it but I don’t think you will be cast out of their life in the long term.

When did you split from your ex?

How old are the children?

My advice would be to go back to basics. Concentrate on creating a stable home where your DC feel welcome. Let your DC and your job fulfil you for the time being, don't focus on your DP. Get yourself financially secure and get into a good co-parenting rhythm with your ex.

Yes You really have messed things up.

You haven't messed life, life is messy and full of ups and downs.
Think about your goals and what a good life means to you and then set about creating that life.

When one door closes another opens and all that.

thank you.

I didn't really have a plan. I hope I would get the house and my ex would pay me to look after the children but none of that happened. He refused to leave saying it was his house too and why should he leave blah blah so i ended up moving out and my parents hate me. So now i have no money and he still has the house and the children have a lovely time there.

My children are 13 and 11. I think when they know i have a new partner they will be very upset so i cant even tell them. they love spending time with their dad and partner and they can afford holidays and I cant.

Why did you get such a bad divorce settlement - are the kids a 50/50 split care wise with your ex H? Did you have a solicitor as the split in assets doesn’t seem right.

How long since the split ? Your parents will hopefully come round when they see that your kids are ok.

Pay you to look after the children? Huh? They are your children, not a babysitting gig. If you mean child maintenance and he isn't having them 50% of the time then yes legally he should pay maintenance.

The kids are legally old enough to choose how much contact they have with each parent. They would probably choose to see dad more than OP- especially because they like his new partner and the separate bedrooms issue.

I assume the ex earns more than OP so can afford a bigger mortgage - maybe his partner is on the mortgage too?

You were very naive about the house and kids. You had the affair so it was unreasonable to expect ex to move out and see the kids less than 50% of the time. I hope that you got at least 50% of the equity though.

@Snorlaxo the op is still their mother no matter how much they like the new partner of the dad. There should be at least 50/50 equity at least here.

What I mean is 50% of the equity plus what OP can raise as a mortgage might not be enough for a 3 bed in her area.

Yeah there is no way I can buy a house. I am self-employed and am a cleaner.

My ex had the children 70% of the time, though he's now insisted it is more equal so I have even less time to myself. We split up over 4 years ago.

Sorry to hear things are hard for you OP. Hopefully having your children for more time will mean you get to improve your relationships with them? I would focus on quality time and making memories, it doesn’t need to be expensive, especially this time of year - hot chocolate and watching Christmas films!

Are you actually divorced and financial settlement fully agreed by the courts? I'm surprised that the court agreed to such a difference in circumstances - they usually look at the ability for each parent to provide a similar lifestyle for the children.

If so, then I think your best option is to focus on the kids and what little things you can do to make things better for them. Is your room bigger? Could you take the tiny room and the kids share the bigger room? Maybe divide it with furniture so they feel they have a bit of their own space?

Fwiw I have a much smaller house and income than the ex and the kids much prefer to be at mine. I've just been consistent with them and been considerate of what they need.

I think she means like a SAHM.

Yes we are divorced. The mediator always seemed to take his side. When I got the money from the house (60%) my benefits stopped so I have even less money. I can't fit my bed into the small room so there are bunks beds for the children in the small room. I do Christmas better and the children like that and I have them this year for Christmas so we will be at my parents house but I can't even bring my dp over and there is always tension. They go to there dads on boxing day and I just know they will have much more fun.

Why will they have more fun there?! You’ve just said you do Christmas better! They love you OP. I hope you have a brilliant Christmas with them.

You sound very entitled OP .
You blew your kids and H lives apart , got 60% of the house sale but are complaining about stopping benefits and having to work …
Wow

Why did you opt to have an affair in the first place?

Did you not think through the consequences?

I feel sorry for your kids, but why should your ex-DH have been made to leave the marital home, when it was you that had the affair?

It sounds like you wanted the best of both worlds, and now it’s back-fired on you.

Is this some kind of reverse? Or a joke?
I can't believe the self entitlement! Honestly!

It's not a joke and I don't believe I am entitled. I just thought I would have more money. When I moved out I still owned the house and expected rent. That's all.

My ex was very dull and boring. He played computer games all the time. He was a total geek and he just wanted to have sex with me all the time. When we split up, he tricked me into saying I would not force the children to move out of the house, in front of my kids, so that they knew they were staying. But now he has a new job, he makes like ten times what I do. Anyway, this isn't about him.

I don't really know how to improve my life. My family really don't like me. I just want a normal life.

In your position I think I would look into courses to skill up and aim to get a better paying job. Cleaning can be more lucrative if you are self-employed but there’s always a ceiling to what people will pay for what is viewed as unskilled work.

Yeah and I’m baffled at some of the responses as well. Felt like I was in the twilight zone. OP sounds selfish and entitled with little regard for the negative impact on her children and ex her choices have led to.