Awkward situation with DH's sister..

[Mintupp]

We've never really gelled with SIL and her husband. If anything you could say we just don't really get on. No one's unpleasant to each other but there's really no chemistry as people and it's almost like the person as work you cant have a good flowing conversation with and so you awkwardly avoid each other.

As kids DH and his sister were never close, always did their own thing. When me and him got together my first impression of SIL and her then boyfriend (now husband) was, he's rude (that's another story) and she doesn't really want to make an effort with me type thing.

Fast forward about 15 years and we've all had kids. We also live in the same area.

SIL has recently expressed she really wants the cousins to be close and have a relationship.
They're all quite young so the children aren't asking for this. The thing is we've tried to spend time with them over the years but found it really hard work.
We just have very different ideas of how to bring up kids, what's important, what's not, different senses of humour, different groups of friends. We're just TOTALLY different.

DH and I are happy to see them a few times a year, and probably no more than kids birthdays, Christmas etc.

Do you think we're being harsh? It feels almost like life is too short to spend more time with people who don't make you feel good, so should we do as SIL wants just for the sake of the kids being cousins?

I think you’re being shortsighted personally but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of validation for your position here.

I would try and make more effort for the children's sake. We had almost nothing to do with my cousins growing up (not sure why apart from distance) and I do regret it.

I think if the kids actively ask to see their cousins then I would make an effort if lived locally. But if the kids don't interact then I wouldn't push it. Ultimately I think it is DH that needs to make the call as it's his side of the family.

I’d make an effort for the sake of promoting the cousins’ relationship. Do some child-centric stuff. You don’t need to be friends, just civil.

Could you not just have play dates with the kids, just have them over for tea and let all the kids play? That way the adults get a break and the kids all get to spend time together

It’s a shame for the kids to miss out but I’m with you on not wanting to suffer the company of people that you don’t want to be around

I would give it a try. People grow and change all the time and having cousins that are close is lovely. And may be helpful to each other for babysitters at some stage.

I would still be keen for relationship with the children as Aunt and Uncle even if their parents are not especially close to me.

If the dynamic really doesnt work and kids are bickering or parenting styles too different the step back a bit. But there is plenty of compromise between 3-4 times per year and living in each others pockets.

Send dh off with the dc to spend time with his dsis.. Do people seriously force relationships just because you got married?

SIL has recently expressed she really wants the cousins to be close and have a relationship.

Has she actually made specific suggestions or organised anything specifically? Until she does, you don't need to do a thing. You don't need to meet her halfway on this. If she does start organising things, take it on a case-by-case basis and only do as much as you're comfortable with. Some things will be enjoyable for the kids to hang out together and other times just say you can't make that date and you're really busy right now, sorry! In a few years all of this will be moot as the kids will decide for themselves who they want to be friends with.

Could you just seem agreeable but not do much about it? So if she says comments like that say 'ah that's a lovely thought' or refer to events that you are fine hanging out at ('ah, that would be great, well we have X's birthday in a couple of months so that will be a nice opportunity for them to hang out").

ie until she actually is making a lot of suggestions you don't want to do, then I don't think you need to worry, just make agreeable noises? If she does follow through then see how things go and pull back if not working for you.

I agree with PP that ultimately it is your DH's call. I didn't really see my cousins growing up but we did connect last christmas and actually it was really nice and I wish we'd done it sooner.

i never really got on with bill’s ex wife, we are very different . However, our kids are very close
Op, I would try to facilitate a relationship with the cousins since your SIL has suggested this

Is it just me or has there been loads of SIL problem threads this week?! What's going on?! 😂

Thanks all some really good advice here.

It's very difficult because SIL knows our kids see their cousin on my side (my sisters LO), so I think she probably feels put out. But the difference is me and my sis do have a stronger relationship and my DH gets in with my BIL.

The sad thing as well is, if SIL had a nicer husband (he drinks, brags and generally quite rude), we might see them more.
Their children are also quite badly behaved, the oldest one in particular, and this has rubbed off on my DC in the past.

But having said all of this, I really feel guilty that SIL has actively said she wants this to happen. She has invited us to 3 things this year, one of which we were ill, the other was an evening thing so our kids wouldn't be up at that time and one we were genuinely unwell.
I think the issue is we never invite them out...

In an ideal world I'd love everyone to be best of friends, but we're not, we're not even really friends, just relatives, and so the whole thing is awkward.

Maybe you can try gradually spending time with them and find that balance.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It will be nice for the children to have a relationship with their cousins. Meeting up once every couple of months isn't that hard surely?

Can you suggest you meet up at a neutral venue?
Hey SIL, we're planning to go to the zoo on Saturday. How about you and the kids come too? We're buying a family ticket in advance as its cheaper ( clarifies that you're not paying for them).

There's no need to make it formal. We're going to be here, welcome to join us, bring a picnic.

so the whole thing is awkward

I think you just have to let it be awkward? You don't especially want to be closer to them so if she's a little put out it shouldn't be a bother to you. If she keeps trying you can go along with what she suggests but you really shouldn't feel obliged to do any of the running yourself.

There was never any effort made for me and my cousins to get on when I was younger and it made me quite sad when I got a bit older that we didn’t have any sort of relationship.I think any positive extended family relationship is a bonus for people as they get older so I would see what you can do. As long as they’re not overly rude to you, obviously there’s no need to put up with that.

Tough one... but I would say not for me. If your DH wants to make the effort, then he can facilitate it with his Dsis.

If you've haven't managed 3 invites and she has expressed her feelings of wanting to get the kids together i would organise something. An activity somewhere that takes a couple of hours, perhaps something you wanted to do anyway?

I am not sure why posters are trying to push you towards a woman you don't get on with, a man who is rude, drinks too much and brags, and a bunch of badly behaved children!

If the cousins' behaviour is rubbing off on your own kids of course you aren't going to encourage time together.

Having a close relationship with lovely cousins is brilliant. But not all cousins are lovely!!

I had a similar situation i tried and now do not let my dc see cousins as my sisters partner was trying to teach my 3/4 year old to give the fingers, say the f word and general things to winde me up
Horrible man. Their kids are also very badly behaved and likewise rubbed off on my dc so now we steer clear. Nothing against the kids its just trying to keep dc on the straight and narrow. All you can do is try OP and of its not working no one can blame you for limiting contact

It would be nice but you can't force these things.
MIL always tried to force our DC and the SIL's DC to be close, messaging DD that they missed her etc which was vanishingly unlikely. My DC ARE close to DH's cousins kids, partly as they are the same ages and partly because me and his cousin are friends so my DC always want to see them and are in touch independently now.
Drives MIL mad and if she gets wind of us meeting up she tries to crash on behalf of SIL's kids.

I think life is too short to spend much time with people you don’t really like even if they’re family, especially as your DH doesn’t really get on well with them. It’s not uncommon for some people to only see family members on important occasions. If the kids are similar ages you could try to set up some play dates (where the expectation is that the parent drops off the kids for a couple of hours) instead of both families spending time with each other

I don’t have any useful suggestions but I wanted to sympathise OP as this is a difficult situation to be in. A situation like yours has arise in my DH’s family - and it is so awkward and difficult and both sets of parents are torn over what to do - they want the cousins to have a relationship but when there’s no relationship between the parents to start with and neither arent really respectful of each others very different parenting styles it’s not easy.