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Original poster

Prudish or cringe?

76 replies

whattododoido · 05/12/2024 22:39

I’ve had 5 dates with guy, he’s 51. The dates have been one a week, and not much communication inbetween. As in no phone calls, texts are a bit dry. I feel it’s me asking the questions etc. he has older children and other commitments so it’s hard to make time to see each other. But I feel he’s happy with once a week anyway.
our date this week, he cooked dinner at his house. We had a little kiss, nothing more. The next night he told me he fell asleep easily and he had a little help in doing so. He mentioned he pleasured himself because of our kiss. He’s always seemed a real gentleman and it took me by surprise.
how would you feel if this was said to you? I’m not a prude but I’m new to the dating game,
I don’t want flings I’m looking for a real connection.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:14

@RogueFemale thank you so much. I’m not a prude normally, but it felt so inappropriate. We hadn’t been intimate. And it really icked me.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 05/12/2024 23:18

Did he pick up flirting tips from Peter Stringfellow?

Sofaroller · 05/12/2024 23:19

I think it's a bit cringe but massively weird you've done nothing other than have a little kiss after five dates! You say you're looking for a real connection - presumably this means great sex too? Maybe he's frustrated it's not progressed and has then said the cringe thing. It's perfectly ok to have sex. You can't build a real connection without it IMHO.

And once a week is loads for this early on - I struggle to meet dates more regularly with work and life and hobbies and interests and friends.

RogueFemale · 05/12/2024 23:20

whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:14

@RogueFemale thank you so much. I’m not a prude normally, but it felt so inappropriate. We hadn’t been intimate. And it really icked me.

Your reaction was correct. I'm not a prude either, but this isn't appropriate when you haven't been intimate with him.

Original poster
whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:22

@Sofaroller I get that, but the communication inbetween is very little and not really flirtatious. I also don’t want to give myself to anyone without that much effort. I’m not getting hurt again. It’s a personal thing and don’t think at my age I should be dishing it out freely. If the connection is genuine, they’d be respectful.

OP posts:
Sofaroller · 05/12/2024 23:25

If you're not feeling it then walk away. I don't love loads of texting in between dates personally. But have you told him you do? And said what you want? Men aren't mind readers.

'dishing it out freely'? Do you mean having sex? It's a bit sad you think sex is something for men to take from you as opposed to be enjoyed by you both. Your age has nothing to do with it.

Sounds dead already. Move on.

Kibble29 · 05/12/2024 23:27

Some women would be turned on by the idea of a man having a Tommy Tank with them in mind. Although you said it was just a little kiss so I’m not sure how he was able to use it, lol.

You’re just not compatible, I think.

Sofaroller · 05/12/2024 23:29

And 'If the connection is genuine, they’d be respectful.'

The last man I dated was 15 years older than me (late 50s) and very respectful but also really really into me and me into him. Sex on the third date. He still wanted to see me again and made it clear he was looking for a good connection and proper relationship. And yes fantastic sex too.

There is no guarantee of a 'better' relationship or connection because you wait for no reason other than just being chaste.

TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 23:43

The fact he had a wank after the date isn’t the issue at all, it’s that he felt the need to tell you. It’s pretty immature and it would put me right off.

I met a bloke last year, really great first date and there was definitely a spark then on train home he texted me saying he couldn’t get the thought of my fantastic tits out of his mind and I was gone . It’s just so cringey

Original poster
whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:43

@Sofaroller women so easily get labelled for giving it away easy. A lot of the men I know think that way. I would rather keep it more personal for someone who truly respects me. And know they’re not just after a fling. If I meant that much he would've communicated more. I’m not interested in having sex just for the hell of it. I want a deeper
connection with someone overall,
and it’s more than just sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:44

@TwistedWonder urgh that’s it, keep it to yourself. I don’t find it attractive at all.

OP posts:
Moresweetsplease · 05/12/2024 23:46

whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:43

@Sofaroller women so easily get labelled for giving it away easy. A lot of the men I know think that way. I would rather keep it more personal for someone who truly respects me. And know they’re not just after a fling. If I meant that much he would've communicated more. I’m not interested in having sex just for the hell of it. I want a deeper
connection with someone overall,
and it’s more than just sex.

Yeah it’s absolute nonsense to say you can’t build connection in early stages of dating without sex.

Personally I’ve never had sex with someone immediately after a third date - that’s just not me and never will be.

OP, this guy sounds a bit emotionally unavailable. He’s definitely got ahead of himself here and made you feel uncomfortable. I’d move on.

theDudesmummy · 05/12/2024 23:47

If I had slept with him already I would probably find it funny. But if not I'd feel very cringey and embarrassed for him, and wouldn't take things any further.

theDudesmummy · 05/12/2024 23:49

PS I also wouldn't have carried on going all the way into 5 dates without having had sex. So am probably very different from the OP.

TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 23:54

Moresweetsplease · 05/12/2024 23:46

Yeah it’s absolute nonsense to say you can’t build connection in early stages of dating without sex.

Personally I’ve never had sex with someone immediately after a third date - that’s just not me and never will be.

OP, this guy sounds a bit emotionally unavailable. He’s definitely got ahead of himself here and made you feel uncomfortable. I’d move on.

Edited
Show quote history

Ditto. I can’t have sex without an emotional connection so that has to come first for me.

Moresweetsplease · 06/12/2024 00:10

TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 23:54

Ditto. I can’t have sex without an emotional connection so that has to come first for me.

Show quote history

Absolutely. We are all different but it just doesn’t feel right or good otherwise for me without that emotional connection and having a sense of what I’d call emotional safety.

And if I’m not comfortable the guy likely won’t enjoy it either (if he is decent) so it’s just a lose-lose situation.

Sia8899 · 06/12/2024 01:18

Someone telling me they wanked over a kiss would make me think of a horny young teenager (one who had no idea how to talk to girls). I’d find it offputting

BettyBardMacDonald · 06/12/2024 01:48

Nasty and disrespectful. Bin!

NiftyKoala · 06/12/2024 01:54

Autumnblackberries · 05/12/2024 22:41

Ewwww.
I love sex but that would put me right off.

Yea this! I am cringing for you.

Atomickitten · 06/12/2024 02:28

whattododoido · 05/12/2024 23:44

@TwistedWonder urgh that’s it, keep it to yourself. I don’t find it attractive at all.

Hey it’s def not a normal thing for a decent guy to say. I’ve done my fair share of on line dating & would put this guy in the “creep” bracket , it’s good he’s shown his true colours early. You’re not a prude. No communication between dates shows he’s not making a real effort too. Also I disagree with another poster saying you should be intimate already. I personally know it can take more than a few dates with someone from online to build a connection where intimacy feels natural and organic, a genuine guy worth his salt will respect this. I’d politely but firmly tell this guy that you’ve enjoyed your dates but don’t feel the compatibility is there and wish him all the best. Then block.

Atomickitten · 06/12/2024 02:30

BettyBardMacDonald · 06/12/2024 01:48

Nasty and disrespectful. Bin!

100%

Cornflakes44 · 06/12/2024 02:49

I don't think it's too bad. He's trying to be a bit more sexual with you. Might be a bit cringe but he's putting himself out there. He might be testing whether you just want to be friends if it hasn't progressed after five dates. If you like him I wouldn't let this ruin it for you,

mnreader · 06/12/2024 05:28

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Jazzjazzjazz · 06/12/2024 06:00

If you’d already had sex then it would be intimate and not creepy, but the fact you haven’t reached that stage and it doesn’t seem to have been heading that way either, is what makes it creepy. Whoever is shocked you haven’t had sex after 5 dates, not everyone wants to shag around. 5 dates with little contact in between, is not much of a foundation for people who don’t think of sex as a casual thing. You can feel you’re getting to know someone and building towards something in that time, and then realise they aren’t for you, sex can totally muddy the waters and create a connection that isn’t really there.

TheSilkWorm · 06/12/2024 06:26

5 dates in and you've only kissed, he's trying to move things on to the next stage. It was inept and missed the mark by miles but if it's grossing you out AND you've done nothing more than kiss 5 dates in I don't think you fancy him and that's fine.