Partner has been hiding debt letters from me and have just found another…despite us discussing this issue a few weeks ago

[taylorgrace]

Hey girls, in need of a bit of advice please! Added some context below but skip to the bottom for main issue! My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. We’re happy and pretty stable.

However, my partner does have a history of lying or not being 100% forthcoming about things he thinks might upset me. This has cropped up several times in our relationship and generally around money and finances.

In the past, particularly when I’ve been on maternity leave/pregnant, and we’ve struggled for money I’ve found out he’s take out small loans (I think there have been two). He also has poor credit prior to meeting me. The problem is, he buries his head and doesn’t tell me when he’s done this and then doesn’t arrange any sort of repayment plans if he’s unable to pay.

Examples include: Not paying for a train ticket from work back home (he genuinely couldn’t afford it) but then not paying the train fine which of course got bigger and bigger. Being in charge of the water account in our old house and pretending to have paid it but just not paying (I logged in, guessing his account details, and found it unpaid). Receiving a letter asking him to pay back his old credit (prior to me) and ignoring it.

When I’ve found these out, each time I’ve understandably been upset that he hasn’t told me, nor done anything to look for a solution. I changed all the account details on the water bill and paid it back over a repayment plans myself. I forced him to budget the overdue train fare out of our next months pay and ensured it was paid off.

We recently had a disagreement about it because I found a letter hidden away in our wardrobe asking for money he hadn’t paid. He insisted it was from just before we paid the train fare and is adamant he wasn’t hiding it (which I don’t believe). He said he understood why I felt he’d hidden it from me and agreed it was wrong.

THE PROBLEM: I’ve found a letter in his pocket this evening for £250 which he hasn’t paid (and I don’t know if this is a new loan or something much older that he’d left). He received the letter on 23rd November which is after our last chat, so he’s hidden it again.

HELP: What can I do? I don’t want to have the same conversation again but don’t want to ignore it. Other than this issue we’re completely happy and have a baby so ending the relationship entirely feels disproportionate to the life we’re giving our daughter. Neither of us could survive financially alone at the moment, and both our jobs are in Manchester but families are down south.

Goodness, that’s such a difficult one-I’m not sure how you can plan a way forward when you simply don’t trust your partner to tell the truth :(

Wow, you definitely need another talk. I would start checking the mail before he comes home, and try to talk him into letting you take care of finances. Can you set up a once a week money sit-down?

let him know your trust is eroding, and relationships must be based on trust.

That's hard, I'd encourage him to seek the help of a debt charity such as CAP or step change.

Going through the process of facing his debt situation should help going forward.

I'd agree with @FedUpandEatingChocolate - a third party can be really helpful.

Uh: he is a pathological avoider and chooses lying as the easiest way of avoiding responsibility, blame, and conflict. You will never communicate your way out of this. You can shout or you can whisper but he will keep being a liar and a catastrophic failure as a partner.

He's clearly frightened of money and doesn't understand it. (Money, I mean.)

It's not rocket science and he needs to get a grip and man up.

Being financially stupid is potentially life ruining.

Your not his mother, time he grew up and sorted himself out. His debt is his concern, keep your finances separate.

I think it depends what you want from your shared future. At the moment you’re financially separate, but if you got married you would be personally liable for his debts. His credit score will impact on your ability to get a mortgage. Furthermore, this is either pathological on his part or deliberate, because he keeps on doing it- if it’s pathological would he consider some sort of counselling to change his behaviour?

If it’s deliberate then I would start to see it as malicious, as him counting on you wanting to sort it out and not upset the life you’re building with him. Only you know which it is.

Could it be the same debt that you are already aware of? I wouldn't expect every reminder letter to be shown to me, as long as I know that it's there then it's there... no difference showing me the letters unless I've been told it's been settled.

What does he say when you ask him why he hides things from you? I would want to ask him what this last letter was and why he did not tell you about it?

Step Change are really helpful. I will never get in debt again as it was a hard lesson learnt ,I eventually was seen as a person able to have a credit card but very rarely use it and I pay it off within a month so I don't have to pay interest .He needs to be honest with you .The person is set a very low personal spending amount while the debt is paid off. It is worth it though.

This. You cannot so anything. He will drag you down too as his credit rating will impact your available interest rates etc.

best you can do if you stay with him is transfer every bill into your name. Keep your money separate. Have him tip his wage and give him spending money. Do regular checks on his credit rating. Let him have no access to your child’s savings.

You will spend your life trying to fix something you never broke.

Do not waste your time OP.

At the very least, do not marry him. Clearly this man is a financial liability - you don't need to get dragged into this even further.

He continues to lie to you. There's nothing you've said that suggests he can turn this around. But if you choose to say, I do hope he does change for the better 💐

Set up a frank money talk once per week and also put away money, routinely, for bills.
Phone the number on the new invoice and quote the invoice number when asking whether it has been paid. Give no value judgement, just find out. If not paid do not react angrily.
Just state that we have to pay that XX remember and sit down and work out a plan.

Sometimes it helps to live like a frugal monk for a month to get your head above water, so to speak, and have a small buffer of money in your account.
Write down your expenditures and income in the old fashioned way. Many people budget better when they use cash to pay for things. The temptation to put things on card is great and it's easy to not see that money disappearing.

This. Get out and run. Been there, got the t-shirt. Run before he financially destroys you.

I wouldn't underestimate or downplay the severity of this. You have no trust and his actions show that he does not respect you - not sure how you can be 'completely happy'. You might not want to have the same conversation with him, and frankly you shouldn't have to but the fact is that you do. I'm sorry but it really doesn't bode well for the future - he needs grow up.

What would you tell a friend who confided in you the same story?

March him down to your local CAB. Hearing about the consequences of avoiding repayment of debt from a specialist debt advisor might sink in if he hears the lowdown from someone who isn't emotionally invested.

How can't he keep these accounts in the black? Does he gamble or take drugs that you know of? Do you access his bank statements?

Do you know how much he earns? As in, he's on a low salary and can't keep up with bills or is he gambling and that's where his money is going. If he keeps lying, there will always be things he will lie about so you need to look through all the details yourself and see it in black and white.

Sign him up for credit karma and check his debts that way. However, I don't know if it shows payday loans, or outstanding fines.

Another talk isn't going to solve the issue.

This is who he is...simple.

He'll always lie to you and owe money because that's how he is.

So you accept he can't be trusted and you take responsibility for all bills.

All his wages go in your account and you give him "spending money "

Or you break up.

You will never be able to trust him , if he is a habitual liar. If you have control over all of the money, you maybe be able to void future debts, but do you want to be with someone so immature?

He's a liar and despite a supposedly honest and open talk he continues to lie. A good relationship is built on trust and you will never be able to fully trust him again.

You could try one last talk but be very explicit that if he EVER hides something again or lies then your relationship is over (and mean it). And do not marry him, he will ruin you.

I have a friend with an ex like this. Exactly like this.

He trashed her credit rating. She actually went on to marry a millionaire (I promise this is a true story) with his very healthy credit rating and hers still isn't back up to where it should be because she cohabited with the ex with the tendency to not pay bills.

You might find that in the medium to long term you can't afford to stay with him. He's very clearly demonstrating that he's got no intention to change his behaviour.