Partner has been hiding debt letters from me and have just found another…despite us discussing this issue a few weeks ago

[taylorgrace]

Hey girls, in need of a bit of advice please! Added some context below but skip to the bottom for main issue! My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. We’re happy and pretty stable.

However, my partner does have a history of lying or not being 100% forthcoming about things he thinks might upset me. This has cropped up several times in our relationship and generally around money and finances.

In the past, particularly when I’ve been on maternity leave/pregnant, and we’ve struggled for money I’ve found out he’s take out small loans (I think there have been two). He also has poor credit prior to meeting me. The problem is, he buries his head and doesn’t tell me when he’s done this and then doesn’t arrange any sort of repayment plans if he’s unable to pay.

Examples include: Not paying for a train ticket from work back home (he genuinely couldn’t afford it) but then not paying the train fine which of course got bigger and bigger. Being in charge of the water account in our old house and pretending to have paid it but just not paying (I logged in, guessing his account details, and found it unpaid). Receiving a letter asking him to pay back his old credit (prior to me) and ignoring it.

When I’ve found these out, each time I’ve understandably been upset that he hasn’t told me, nor done anything to look for a solution. I changed all the account details on the water bill and paid it back over a repayment plans myself. I forced him to budget the overdue train fare out of our next months pay and ensured it was paid off.

We recently had a disagreement about it because I found a letter hidden away in our wardrobe asking for money he hadn’t paid. He insisted it was from just before we paid the train fare and is adamant he wasn’t hiding it (which I don’t believe). He said he understood why I felt he’d hidden it from me and agreed it was wrong.

THE PROBLEM: I’ve found a letter in his pocket this evening for £250 which he hasn’t paid (and I don’t know if this is a new loan or something much older that he’d left). He received the letter on 23rd November which is after our last chat, so he’s hidden it again.

HELP: What can I do? I don’t want to have the same conversation again but don’t want to ignore it. Other than this issue we’re completely happy and have a baby so ending the relationship entirely feels disproportionate to the life we’re giving our daughter. Neither of us could survive financially alone at the moment, and both our jobs are in Manchester but families are down south.

I don’t know, this seems to be a bit OTT op, a bit controlling.

Don't kid yourself that this is too small to break up over. It's not. Finances are one of the major reasons for relationship breakdown.

Agree with others that you can't talk your way to a better solution. He may change over time but it won't be because you've had frank discussions or caught him in another lie.

If you want to stay with him you need to accept that this is who he is and organize your life so that it can't destroy you. Do not ever marry him or entangle your finances. If you want to buy a house expect to do that on your own. Don't let him be responsible for bills where non payment will hurt you. Set up your household as though you run it and he, financially, is a lodger. He needs to pay you his share of expenses the day his paycheck lands. Do not pay deposits on holidays or cars or anything else where you might become liable for his payments if he fails to make them. Keep your living standard somewhat lower than you can afford and put plenty of money into savings so you can have a contingency plan for leaving him if he totally fucks up.

This is the reality of living with someone who will get into debt and lie to you about it. You need to make sure your and your child's life is stable despite them, not because of them.

I just couldn't live with a person I couldn't trust and who refused to act like an adult and hid things and pretended he had not received it and not dealing with things. No matter how much i might love him I couldn't live in this way.

Massive issue. The start of a dynamic which can kill any relationship. Him as the person who avoids planning and consequences and you as the one who has to ‘nag’ and worry. Both sides build up resentment

How do family finances work now? Do you pool money? Share bills? Have a personal spends allocation? Do you spend a similar amount on your selves?

Don’t make excuses for him. He will drag you down.

I'd have a conversation and make my feelings clear:

He contacts a debt organisation like the National Debtline and sorts out his debts.

He sets up a monthly transfer of his wages to cover bills, rent and baby expenses.

He learns about money management and does a course like this.

He looks into counselling to work out why he's incapable of telling the truth.

The money isn't the problem. That can be dealt with. The lies are what destroys.

The only talk you need to be having, is with yourself. Why do you keep expecting him to be different? How many times does he have to lie and mess up before you accept that this is part of who he is?

He will make promises (that he knows he doesn’t mean), he’ll lie, evade and make excuses all because it’s who he is. He could change but the thing you are having difficulty accepting is, he doesn’t want to.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person but he is someone you would be stupid to trust with money or any financial responsibilities. I don’t know who is in more denial, you or him because he has always been this way but here you are still waiting to be different.

So have that talk but do it in front of a mirror.

The unpaid amounts, what are they for? If it’s bills, and you’re struggling for money, fair enough. He’s just running away from his money problems.

However, if it’s for loans, or unacvountabje things, then I would be more worried. Why is he taking loans out behind your back? What’s the money being spent on? If it was trying to help and to clear the debts once and for all, then there may be hope, but not if he’s spending money you haven’t got.

If he hides from things he might not even know the true extent himself.

You could ask him to order his credit score to get the full picture and then to contact a debt charity for help.

However there may be another underlying issue that he’s hiding - any signs of drugs/drinking to excess/gambling etc that he needs to deal with first and foremost?

It might be easier to separate- and you may be better off, financially and emotionally.

I divorced someone like this. Little lies become big lies. Typically they also get rebellious if you take over finances and will find other ways to rack up debt.

If you want to stay with him, do not marry him and keep your money separate. You will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop though and who wants to live like that?

I had this with my ex. I had to leave in the end as I couldn't deal with the instability of never knowing what debt was going to hit us next. I'm really sorry OP, but I don't think there is a good way out of this.

I was once married to a liar and the bailiffs were constantly at our door. Make plans to leave. It never gets better.

If you stay with him, make sure you have NO assets/accounts in common and all the valuable stuff is in your name.

If you leave and break up, you solve the issue once and for all.

If you were my DD I'd be telling you to go for the second option.

My ex husband did this to me for 20 years before I decided that the constant lying and hiding of bills was incompatible with the life I wanted and with upcoming retirement.
I couldn't take the stress anymore and we got divorced. It was a relief, I'd have been bankrupt if this continued.
This isn't a good way to live at all, firstly the lying and then the debt itself. I am never in debt now and so much happier.
One day you will feel the same sadly unless he changes his ways which I very much doubt.