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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

43 replies

Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:07

Hi everyone. I've name changed as I reveal a personal detail about my childhood.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to something my partner said today. I was telling him about the women in Afghanistan being stopped from training as HCPs and this would mean many would die, and he asked what the feminists were doing about it. I said that they were marching this weekend and he pulled a face and said he bet everyone of them would be ugly as sin...too ugly to rape!

I was shocked as I can't stand rape jokes. He knows I was raped as a teenager and the havoc that wreaked on my life. He is usually a good, kind man but I felt he was TRYING to upset me and I'm not sure why, I've come upstairs and left him in the kitchen as I can't bear to look at him. I feel utterly disgusted and that it's changed how I feel about him. Possibly for good.

OP posts:
Itrytobesensible · 05/12/2024 18:11

I'm really sorry about your own experience of rape OP.
Tbh the comment he made was totally out of order misogynistic rubbish so that even without the personal hurt to yourself it was totally unacceptable.
I'm not surprised it has made you see him in a new light.

Original poster
Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:16

Thank you so much...I was questioning myself as I was honestly shocked he said that, and diminished rape that way.

It felt like he was trying to upset me as just before that, I had asked him why he was expecting women to sort it out when it was men who were the problem.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 05/12/2024 18:16

What a revolting thing for him to say Op. If he knows you were raped than that comment is particularly low. He sounds angry about what you told him, does he think you shouldn't tell him about "women's issues"

IdaGlossop · 05/12/2024 18:16

What a dreadful and misogynistic comment, triply awful because you have personal experience and your partner knows you have. Do you feel up to going downstairs and repeating what he said and telling him what you have told us about how it has made you feel about him?

BilboBlaggin · 05/12/2024 18:19

Have you been together a long time OP, and do you live together? Regardless, he'd be in the bin if he said something like that to me.

Iwanttoliveiniriscottage · 05/12/2024 18:19

Good kind men do not have that viewpoint, let alone verbalise it. He’s showing you who he really is.

CatamaranViper · 05/12/2024 18:22

That is fucking vile. Any person who said that in my presence would be booted out of my life so bloody quickly.
I don't care how nice his facade has been in the past, he is not a good or kind person. He's clearly "of that way of thinking" and you should distance yourself very, very far from him. Sounds like it wouldn't take much for him to decide to rape or sexually assault someone.
The mask has well and truly slipped OP. He knows what happened to you and honestly said that?

He needs to seriously understand what he said and who to.

Original poster
Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:22

@Daleksatemyshed I think he was angry that I threw back at him that men should be speaking up rather than asking what women are doing to stop men abusing them. But rape jokes are going too far.

@IdaGlossop I am wondering what to do. I'm not sure I can bear to look at him. He knows my rape affected so much of my life with severe mental health issues and a myriad of disorders I still suffer from. Plus diminishing women who actually care about women is horrible.

He isn't the man I thought he was.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 05/12/2024 18:23

You are definitely not overreacting. I'm so sorry you were subject to that. He doesn't sound like a kind man, are you sure you haven't had other hints of this type of attitude and minimised them? What a misogynist

canyouletthedogoutplease · 05/12/2024 18:24

He is not a good kind man.

cantthinkofausername26 · 05/12/2024 18:24

Omg, that's a hideous thing to say, even to someone that has never experienced rape

Iaminthefly · 05/12/2024 18:26

Absolutely vile. It would be the end for me op. This is who he really is.

Sia8899 · 05/12/2024 18:29

I would leave over this. A rape joke AND a suggestion that only pretty women deserve to be listened to. He will tell you that you're overreacting but you're not. He's shown you who he really is, what he thinks of women and how much empathy he has for your feelings/past.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:30

Honestly, everyone I can't thank you enough. I doubt my reactions but this comment of his just cut me to the bone.

We have been together four years with no children. Just recently moved in together. It's my house and he has no rights to it. He always told me he would protect me and any daughters we might have so I'm floored right now.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 05/12/2024 18:30

@Tiredofmisogynisticmen he didn't like your remark about men should be helping because in his ears that's you saying men are to blame. Even if they have no say in an issue, even if it's not blame being directed at them, some men are very defensive, they can't deal with a woman saying men are responsible. Well, in this case, yes, it's men doing this horrible thing to women and they are absolutely responsible. If he can't admit that men can be in the wrong I don't know how you get past that

Rhaidimiddim · 05/12/2024 18:31

Hw asked what "the feminists were doing about it"! Then indicated that all feminists are ugly!

Jeez, he is a real throwback to the 1970s.

And why is it our job to counter men's behaviour? What are the MEN doing about it?

And knowing your history?

Hevgas no respect for women, you included.

IdaGlossop · 05/12/2024 18:34

Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:30

Honestly, everyone I can't thank you enough. I doubt my reactions but this comment of his just cut me to the bone.

We have been together four years with no children. Just recently moved in together. It's my house and he has no rights to it. He always told me he would protect me and any daughters we might have so I'm floored right now.

You are in a strong position, whatever you decide to do. At least you can think clearly about what you want next knowing you have your own home and no children caught in the cross-fire.

Original poster
Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:38

Daleksatemyshed · 05/12/2024 18:30

@Tiredofmisogynisticmen he didn't like your remark about men should be helping because in his ears that's you saying men are to blame. Even if they have no say in an issue, even if it's not blame being directed at them, some men are very defensive, they can't deal with a woman saying men are responsible. Well, in this case, yes, it's men doing this horrible thing to women and they are absolutely responsible. If he can't admit that men can be in the wrong I don't know how you get past that

Yes that's what I am thinking too. He didn't like me putting to him that maybe it's men who should be stepping up. When I said women were doing something, he insulted them.

And acting as if rape is justified if the women are pretty....I never thought he would say anything like that. He was so patient and kind to me when I shared my rape and my trauma with him. I feel a fool.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 05/12/2024 18:43

Well @Tiredofmisogynisticmen if it's your house at least you're in a strong position. He said he wanted to protect you and your DDs but there's no sign of that in his attitute today

LightSpeeds · 05/12/2024 18:46

You must be totally shocked by this! I can't see how there could be ANY coming back from his comment.

IOSTT · 05/12/2024 18:46

“Too ugly to rape”, as if raping a woman is somehow a compliment to her looks??? That she is “lucky” to have the attention etc?? 🤮 🤮

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/12/2024 18:49

Sadly I think some men put women into different categories based on age, appearance, ethnicity, the list is endless.
He probably has you in a box marked his territory which means he will be upset that someone has raped you.
But these ‘other’ women who are causing ‘trouble’ get judged by very different standards.
I had an ex partner who had 3 DC including 2 lovely young daughters. I was so impressed because he was so caring around them. However, after a while I also worked out that he was absolutely vile to his ex wife, their mum.
Pulled him up on it once and he told me…
‘In general men care about their daughters and their mothers.
And that’s it. All other women can be replaced even wives. Every hole’s a goal, Peggy!’
He would then add that he just told the truth that most men were scared to speak.
And that was pretty much the end for me!

Bittenonce · 05/12/2024 19:29

I’m a man and I thought what he said was - at best - distasteful. Knowing what had happened to you makes it either knowingly hurtful or - at best - shows he doesn’t care and has no sensitivity. Ugh

Iwanttoliveiniriscottage · 05/12/2024 19:33

Tiredofmisogynisticmen · 05/12/2024 18:30

Honestly, everyone I can't thank you enough. I doubt my reactions but this comment of his just cut me to the bone.

We have been together four years with no children. Just recently moved in together. It's my house and he has no rights to it. He always told me he would protect me and any daughters we might have so I'm floored right now.

You should show him this thread.

MounjaroUser · 05/12/2024 19:55

He's disgusting. It's very telling that he responded to your suggestion that men should do something about violence against women by becoming verbally aggressive with you.

I'm so glad (and not surprised) that he's living in your home. I would tell him as soon as it's safe to do so that you want him to leave.