Am I overreacting?

[Tiredofmisogynisticmen]

Hi everyone. I've name changed as I reveal a personal detail about my childhood.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to something my partner said today. I was telling him about the women in Afghanistan being stopped from training as HCPs and this would mean many would die, and he asked what the feminists were doing about it. I said that they were marching this weekend and he pulled a face and said he bet everyone of them would be ugly as sin...too ugly to rape!

I was shocked as I can't stand rape jokes. He knows I was raped as a teenager and the havoc that wreaked on my life. He is usually a good, kind man but I felt he was TRYING to upset me and I'm not sure why, I've come upstairs and left him in the kitchen as I can't bear to look at him. I feel utterly disgusted and that it's changed how I feel about him. Possibly for good.

At best distasteful? Really?

He isn't the man I thought he was.

Quite.

Luckily you have more options than most women who find, too late, that their partners are, beneath the nice veneer, obnoxious dregs of shit.

I hope you kick him out without delay.

Thank you again so much everyone. Your replies have been eye opening and I can't tell you how much of a relief it is that my judgement is right here and my boundaries. He's gone. His sister lives in our town and he is staying with her until he organises something else. I couldn't bear to see him, hear him or have him around. I texted him and told him to leave and he did without responding.

One thing I always knew deep in my core is that I will never, ever betray women or girls by even tacitly supporting a man who thinks nothing of our abuse. So that's that.

I feel very sad this morning and a bit empty. I honestly thought he was the one in a million man out there for me.

You are very brave @Tiredofmisogynisticmen and you have absolutely done the right thing.
That was a tough thing to do, but knowing in your heart it was also the right thing for you and your peace of mind hopefully in the coming days and months will bring you some peace.

Thanks Peggy. I think I'm still a little in shock. It's brought a lot of my past back to the forefront of my mind and I can't quite believe he went there. I truly thought we had something like a deep connection and understanding of each other but I didn't know him at all. It's hard to explain just what that one comment brought back to me.

Well done, you! That was a big step, regardless of his behaviour and comments.
I had a good (male) friend for about a decade. He knew I had been abused. However, when his brother raped a woman, my friend's attitude was 'hate the sin but love the sinner'
I didn't speak to him again. Still haven't to this day

Good on you for getting him gone.

I know you're sad today @Tiredofmisogynisticmen but I think in time you'll feel relieved that you found out now. He'd moved in with you and suddenly you saw the real him, he didn't feel the need to pretend anymore.

Gosh that was a terrible thing to have said especially knowing your background. Well done for swiftly getting him out, i know it wont have been easy emotionally.

Heaven knows what other thoughts he had in the past that he didn't verbalise - that won't have been the first time.

You could never forget a comment like that and he would have got worse the longer time went on and he became more comfortable.

Wow! So he's a hideous misogynist, but he relies on you, a woman, or his sister, a woman to house him 🤔

He's happy to use women for what they can give him, but doesn't care about their rights 🙄

It’s normal to be sad right now. But it will pass. And you know you’d never feel the same about him, or really trust him.

Just based on that one conversation he sounds absolutely awful. Asking you what feminist were doing about male violence? What about what are the men doing about it? And then to bring in rape… That is absolutely appalling. It must be terrible for you to see that other side of him but I'm really glad he's gone.

Oh the irony is just, well, ironic isn’t it? A man who has moved into his partner’s house and has then had to run to his sister’s.
Without the feminists, he’d be…. homeless!

@CyranoDeBergerQuack oh I'm so sorry. What a horrendous thing to say to you. You have reminded me that he once said the same kind of thing to me when I pulled him up on how he was boasting about 'ghosting' an ex girlfriend and completely disappearing on her. "Hate the game but not the player" he said. That should have been a red flag but I overlooked it.

And thanks so much again everyone for the kind words. I knew he had to go as I didn't trust myself not to waver once the initial shock wore off. He sent me a video this morning of his sister's cat that she and I rescued together - we are best friends and used to be flatmates. (I met him through her). He knows I love the cat and my finger hovered over the reply button but I threw the phone away from me so I wouldn't be tempted.

And yep...the irony wasn't lost on me either that he denigrates feminist women while being dependent on us. Anger is setting in now I think.

The irony continues. He’s the brother of your best friend @Tiredofmisogynisticmen does she know any of this?!!!
I should imagine you haven’t told her about the rape comment?
I tell you what the man has no brain because if he were my brother, and you were my best friend, I wouldn’t want him under my roof.
What is he doing sending you that video? Is he 12?
How would he feel if someone ghosted his sister? Or made comments about her similar to the ones he has made to you?
Tell him to go and watch more of his Andrew Tate videos or whatever he does to pass the time. Set up a crowd under for Greg Wallace?

I wouldn't be friends with a man who said that kind of thing, let alone be in a relationship with him. Massive red flag. Add to that his knowledge of what you experienced and this is completely unforgivable, break up territory. Get out before he causes you more emotional harm.

Regardless of your history, it is such an odd, completely unrelated point/insult to make. I'd be horrified that thought would even come in to BJ's head tbh

I agree