DP says I am OTT when I am sick

[FlakyJadeSnail]

He did wait until I wasn’t as sick to talk to me and I think he might have a point I just don’t know what to do about it or whether he is being a bit of a dick.

I do not like being unwell in any way shape or form. It makes me quite frustrated and I am impatient and want to get better. He says I am not acting like I want attention but I when I am unwell I don’t like the loss of control over my own body, he says I don’t like not knowing when I will get better and I’m not able to just roll with it and see how it goes. It consumes me a bit and grumpy - not to him or about him, just about being tired and sick I’m not mean to him I just think he gets fed up with me complaining and the more he kinds of rolls his eyes at me, the more I probably complain.

I’ve been unwell with viruses for nearly 2 months now, I got over one that lingered and caught another one from the kids. I’m not sleeping well, can’t exercise, work is all over the place (wfh and trying to get into the office). I am not lying in bed like a princess expecting anyone to wait on me hand and foot by the way.

He says he is worried as we age how I am going to cope with becoming less healthy and older and he has a point. I need to learn to complain less and be more patient. It’s not doing me any good to let it frustrate me this much. But he is the type of person who doesn’t even like to take a paracetamol and will suffer in silence with a headache for hours and never go to the doctors.

I did not have a good childhood and my parents were neglectful. I was not sick very often as a child but I am not sure I learnt how to manage this kind of thing and now as an adult he is finding it annoying. I would probably be annoyed if he was moaning all the time however I am a super care giver, if anyone is sick I never question it or make them feel like they are being dramatic, I will jump right in to do everything I can to help them feel better and I have a lot of empathy.

I don’t know if it’s chicken and egg, he is not unpleasant to me when I am sick, but I can also feel him rolling his eyes at me if I am under the weather. He will ask me how I slept, I will say ‘not great I coughed all night’ and then he will say well you will be better soon, it will go (whilst he slept fine) as if I am imagining I will never get better, I’m not stupid I know I will not be sick forever? and I just know he dreads me being sick and as I know he is dreading it, I just want to get better faster. Argh

The trouble is that him pointing this out to you will make you feel worse. He could just not ask you how you slept/how you are feeling if he doesn’t want to hear it.

He feels like he has to ask but he then doesn’t like the answer. I can’t win unless I lie right?

Well I don’t like lying so I won’t encourage you to do that!
I don’t like being ill either, don’t like letting my work mates down by ringing in sick, don’t like the house looking like a pig sty, so I get your frustration. I think it’s a female thing.

I mean from what you've written it looks as if you agree with him that you get frustrated when ill. If you've been ill for 2 months then you may have been the source of a bit of an atmosphere at home. I think he's asking you to try to manage your mood rather than not be ill, because he's talking about learning to be a bit more flexible in terms of your mindset?

It seems like he's been respectful in talking to you? I agree the eye rolls are a passive aggressive though! Maybe you could take some time to reflect and see if he has a point and if there's anything you could make a bit more of an effort with?

@DustyLee123 this is exactly it, I need to be at work, I have people relying on me, I hate letting people down. I hate that it steals your life for a short time so you end up good for nothing with a messy house and your bed is a sweaty pit full of tissues. I’m not going to lie but today I said just don’t ask me I will be better soon don’t worry about it so that he doesn’t have to keep asking me if I am ok and then getting an answer he might find annoying.

@FreshLaundry this is what I can’t work out, if it’s me or if it’s him. I am frustrated because of all the above reasons but it’s not likely possible to be your usual cheery happy self on a few hours of sleep and feeling awful. He likes the happy cheery fun version of me so he says ‘it’s like you are 2 different people’ and he doesn’t like the unwell version of me. Neither do I 😂

So if he stopped asking and got on with his day would you complain to him?

Sure he copuld be unreasonable but there is nothing worse than being around sick people who need to moan constantly and have to let everyone know about it and do this martyr thing so if that is not you then yes he has a problem

It is not his fault you are sick though and I know on here men just have to put up with anything or are considered unreasonable. we only have your side of this

I'm absolutely hopeless when ill, I'm very pathetic. I'm also aware that people who don't cope with illness well are pretty irritating to live with after a while so tbh I can see both sides here!

Im your DH in this situation.

when DP is ill I have to say op it does really get the entire house down, it's all very "here we go again 🙄" he goes on constantly about it.

I ask if he's ok because he's that miserable I feel if I don't he'll think I don't care, but tbh I don't have to ask because I know the answer will be a moan of some sort.

Sorry op but I kind of see his pov here. It does drag everyone down and you feel guilty for being well 🤣

It’s good he’s told you, he told you nicely, you agree you could handle it better, so decide to do so. No one likes being ill, I had a horrible virus for weeks recently, lost my voice for nearly a week, kids both been ill, one of them seriously, but wallowing in it wouldn’t have helped anyone. The less you decide to wallow the less you’ll find you need to.

@Edingril No probably I wouldn’t provide him with unsolicited updates on my health condition, he asks me and I respond. I did tell him I was not feeling well as our child is also unwell and been off school, so I have clearly caught it from them. I had to leave work early one day and wfh the next and we had to sort childcare (grandparents) and no one is sleeping well, it’s hard to avoid the topic but I don’t spam him with texts or spend all evening giving updates on my condition. For some reason he never seems to catch these viral things and I always do. I would say I am healthier than him generally speaking as I actively make an effort to stay fit and healthy and he doesn’t, but he appears to have a better immune system when it comes to colds. I get a high temperature so need to go to bed and then it seems to take ages to go

His point is maybe I do wallow, but then I think I am trying very hard to go to work and keep life together, it’s really hard to do that when you feel unwell. By the end of the evening I am not fun company I am tired. I do try to make jokes instead of complain or just say straight up ‘I don’t feel well and I am going to make an effort not to complain’ then he asks me how I am feeling and I give an honest answer

What stands out for me is that you talk about being neglected as a child. I think when we're ill we feel helpless and it brings up a lot of old emotions. At the same time the adult self is aware of having to crack on and deal with work, parenting etc. It really isn't easy, especially when having to deal with sick children. (You're having to be a good parent even if you don't have the experience of having been well parented yourself.)

Is your partner aware of - and understanding - about your childhood? I suspect that while the present situation you describe isn't easy, it is really the past that is making you feel that things are intolerable.

Are you me? My DH is the same... sigh.

I promise I am not in the dressing gown of doom pulling sad faces, being feeble and taking myself off to bed at 4pm 😂

He isn’t sick so has been pulling his weight more than me. He isn’t resentful about it he just doesn’t like any other version of me than my normal default. I actually worry about something serious happening to me and him not being able to cope with it changing me, like a serious illness does affect you how can it not? After he had this chat with me I started to think well if I was seriously unwell would you leave me?

Can your DH perhaps help with the housework or change the bed if these are the things that get you down?
I think none of us are at our best when under the weather, but I can't make out whether you are talking about cold-type viruses, or actually being ill? I think with little ones in the house, you just have to accept a constant round of colds/coughs and get on as best you can - with DH pulling his weight.
If it's eg chest infections needing antibiotics etc, then you need to look after yourself, take some sick days and hand everything to DH whilst you recover.

This doesn't sound like the classic dressing-gown-of-doom situation where the ill person is flopping around being hopeless and dramatic in an attempt to garner sympathy from the non-ill person and get out of doing anything. That situation is rather trying for the non-ill person.

Instead it sounds like you are actually powering through illness as much as possible, and not particularly asking for special treatment, but that you become perhaps more grumpy and generally less cheerful than usual. Which to me sounds understandable?

If you really are only responding when he directly asks you you are are feeling then I think he does need to recognise that he has bloody asked and, assuming you are not being absurdly over dramatic, it isn't really your job to play down your illness to make it more palletable for him.

At the same time, perhaps you could do some work on managing your feelings of frustration - as you have recognised yourself, it won't last forever and perhaps you are letting it get to you a bit too much. It is hard though because of course it's much harder to be reasonable when you are knackered and feeling like shit.

Perhaps a starting point would be to add a more cheerful , "... but it's not the end of the world, I'll feel better soon!" to the end of whatever you tell him about your illness. That might make him feel less oppressed and may help to remind you of this too.

I don't think it sounds like he doesn't like your answer though, it sounds like the other way around to me.
He asks how you slept, he says you'll get better soon, it sounds like he's trying to be sympathetic, but you don't like his answer.
What is it you actually want him to say to that?

Hmmm since posting that I've read your subsequent updates and it does sound a bit more like a DH problem than a you problem. He is cross because you are malfunctioning.

Have you asked him what he thinks you should be doing/saying instead when you are unwell? I suspect that what he actually wants is for you not to be ill.

He once had to he hospitalised with pneumonia as he left it so late to see a doctor! He does all the practical stuff.

The first illness I had was a nasty virus where I lost my voice for a week and was unwell for 3 weeks I even lost weight cos I felt so rough and throat so sore hard to eat, and I got over that then caught Covid and have a chesty cough which is being treated but a lot of these things are often viral and just take time to go. Sick kids and a big project at work adds to the pressure and I don’t need him rolling his eyes at me.

In our house we have a sort of code word when someone is ill that means "I know I am not seriously unwell, and I know I'm being a bit pathetic, but I feel rubbish and I would really like to be looked after a bit".

Mutually acknowledging the simultaneous non seriousness but really unpleasant impact of a cold seems to help everyone accept the situation and give the other person what they need graciously without getting frustrated.

Personally, I think a lot of men don’t cope well when their wives/partners are ill. The appliance is malfunctioning, you see. Normal service needs to resume. Of course, they like to present as being more evolved than this - and I am not saying for a minute all men are like this but I do think a surprising number of otherwise nice men are. Yet they would be horrified if you rolled your eyes/ignored them when they’re ill.

Does any of that resonate? If so, I’d suggest it’s time for a candid conversation. He may be worried about your health and not expressing that very well. Or he may just not be very kind and tolerant. Or maybe he thinks you could take better care of yourself. Or maybe he’s just a bit of a dick 😬

Ok yeah I think this is it exactly. I am not stupid I know I will get better, I will be ok. He could just say ‘love you feel better soon xx’ and not have to ask ‘how did you sleep’ because telling me not to worry, I will be better soon and reminding me I slept badly doesn’t feel very helpful. I already know this.

I can imagine him going to work and saying ‘OMG flakey is sick AGAIN and acting like she is dying it’s just a cold’ but he wouldn’t say that to my face 😂

You sound a bit run down. Get a tonic. That Seven Seas is quite good. It always makes me feel better. Probably mostly all in the mind though.

His advice is actually helpful though. He's right that you would fare better if you were able to relax, accept the situation and go with the flow. In terms of getting better, being consumed with frustration and angry at the situation doesn't help and is probably taking energy that would be better used for healing. Partners should give advice and support as needed and it doesn't always have to be a battlefield.

In that case, I wonder whether having an explicit conversation about this at a time when you are both feeling calm would be helpful. Assuming he is fundamentally a decent guy who wants to support you, it might be that he is finding the situation hard because he doesn't understand what you actually really need. He's trying to problem solve (reassure you you'll feel better soon) and doesn't get why that no shit sherlock isn't magically cheering you up.

If what you actually want is just sympathetic acknowledgement and some extra cups of tea, tell him that clearly. Then when he does it, reward the behaviour by telling him that he's really helped make you feel better about things.