DP says I am OTT when I am sick

[FlakyJadeSnail]

He did wait until I wasn’t as sick to talk to me and I think he might have a point I just don’t know what to do about it or whether he is being a bit of a dick.

I do not like being unwell in any way shape or form. It makes me quite frustrated and I am impatient and want to get better. He says I am not acting like I want attention but I when I am unwell I don’t like the loss of control over my own body, he says I don’t like not knowing when I will get better and I’m not able to just roll with it and see how it goes. It consumes me a bit and grumpy - not to him or about him, just about being tired and sick I’m not mean to him I just think he gets fed up with me complaining and the more he kinds of rolls his eyes at me, the more I probably complain.

I’ve been unwell with viruses for nearly 2 months now, I got over one that lingered and caught another one from the kids. I’m not sleeping well, can’t exercise, work is all over the place (wfh and trying to get into the office). I am not lying in bed like a princess expecting anyone to wait on me hand and foot by the way.

He says he is worried as we age how I am going to cope with becoming less healthy and older and he has a point. I need to learn to complain less and be more patient. It’s not doing me any good to let it frustrate me this much. But he is the type of person who doesn’t even like to take a paracetamol and will suffer in silence with a headache for hours and never go to the doctors.

I did not have a good childhood and my parents were neglectful. I was not sick very often as a child but I am not sure I learnt how to manage this kind of thing and now as an adult he is finding it annoying. I would probably be annoyed if he was moaning all the time however I am a super care giver, if anyone is sick I never question it or make them feel like they are being dramatic, I will jump right in to do everything I can to help them feel better and I have a lot of empathy.

I don’t know if it’s chicken and egg, he is not unpleasant to me when I am sick, but I can also feel him rolling his eyes at me if I am under the weather. He will ask me how I slept, I will say ‘not great I coughed all night’ and then he will say well you will be better soon, it will go (whilst he slept fine) as if I am imagining I will never get better, I’m not stupid I know I will not be sick forever? and I just know he dreads me being sick and as I know he is dreading it, I just want to get better faster. Argh

@thesunisastar I am going to do this. I’m going to tell him I know he is trying to show he cares by initiating a conversation but actually it’s just making us both frustrated. He doesn’t need to say anything and I wouldn’t assume he didn’t care, he could just make me a drink.

This is not the first time we have clashed. I had a big event happen in my life a couple of years ago, a bereavement and he found grieving me hard to cope with. He would just say ‘I don’t know what to say to you’ and ask me how I was and I would say I am feeling sad, he would just say well don’t be sad. I was tearful and not my usual happy self, it wasn’t even the level of depression to see a doctor, it was just the grieving process but yes I felt like in his eyes, I was malfunctioning

His responses to you sound well-intentioned, however clumsy. Hopefully that means he will be responsive to a well-timed suggestion that you know you will get better, so saying that just makes you feel more frustrated/impatient/whatever, so instead could he please try whatever you want him to try.

If you've been ill for two months, you probably also both need to give each other a fair bit of grace. You obviously need it because you've been ill for two months and trying to keep stuff going whilst feeling rubbish, but he probably needs it as well. Being ill consumes you a bit, frustrates you more than other people, makes you grumpy. Of course someone is not at their best when ill – but it can still be draining to live with for months. He's been doing extra because you've been ill – as he should – but again, over a couple of months, that gets tiring physically and mentally, particularly in a busy household with young children where both parents are pretty near capacity even when both are well. That's not anyone's fault, just how it is right now, but does mean neither of you is going to be at your best.

Imagine what would happen if you got seriously ill. How he would react to that.

Two months is a long time to be feeling shit and having to motor through.

Have you had your blood work done?
Get a good tonic like Floradix and make sure you take vitamin D.

Cut out any extras you can.

I take an anti histamine drowsey to help me sleep on the odd night I don't sleep well and find it very helpful.

Mind yourself.

I was on the fence until your last post. I find being physically ill used to really knock my mental health and that upset the whole household so I worked on ways to manage that.
but DH would support and love me no matter what, he wanted me to feel better for me not him. From what you said about being impatient with your grief I’m thinking the problem here is him not you! It’s a red flag for me if a life partner can’t deal with the bad stuff in life as well as the good.

I think there are things I can work on. It does bring me down and I can be subdued and more prone to being a bit negative when I am tired and run down, I could leave off some of that and just make more effort to ‘relax’ and go with the flow. Being unwell does affect my mental health. I find coughing relentlessly for days very draining. I just tried to have a 1 hour meeting via teams I coughed the whole hour. I will try vitamins. I eat a good diet and am not a run down person usually

Gosh, regarding the bereavement he sounds like a right knobhead. What the hell. I mean, before I experienced a significant bereavement I never knew what to say to people who were going through that. I felt there must be something appropriate to say, something meaningful. Then, I went through a significant bereavement two years ago and I came out of it still not knowing what the right thing to say is. I don't think there is anything, other than people messaging me and saying, 'have you eaten today?' or 'it's okay if you're knackered, grief is exhausting, have a lie down' or things like that. But absolutely nobody said to me, 'I don't know what to say to you' or 'don't be sad then', I am absolutely appalled.

Is he belligerent or just stupid? Has he always been like this?

My DH is a bit of a nightmare when he gets ill although he does admit it too. It took a while to get through to him that he is allowed to just rest when he’s ill, it actually helps! It’s not the end of the world if you miss work, miss a deadline, don’t do the washing up, look a mess… these things happen when you’re ill, you’re human. Trying to still function normally when you’re ill makes you grumpy as sin.

You have done some excellent elf reflection on this, is he able to do the same?Why does it bother him so much. I hate the word trigger but being ill triggers something in you from childhood and you being ill triggers something in him because - what is his because? There usually is a because I have found!

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I am trying very hard to go to work

Why? When you’re so ill you’ve coughed all the way through a one hour teams meeting?

My DH does this, acts like the company couldn’t possibly function without him so won’t take time off sick - then I get the dregs of the energy he has left at the end of the day, he’s run down, tired, negative, ill and miserable.

Rinse and repeat.

I have a big end of year project and I am senior and my assistant is also sick, so I did feel I had to try to go in. It’s a shit show. I do just have a virus.

I went to work today and coughed so much they sent me home. DP is at work, DC came home and are old enough to busy themselves in their rooms so I tried to lie down. I could not stop coughing so bad I started gagging then vomiting, it was just from the cough but freaked out the kids obviously. It’s a dry tickly cough now and I have a river of mucus TMI sorry. I took paracetamol had water, took an antihistamine, took honey, vitamins everything to try to help and then tried to find a comfy spot sitting up in bed (to try stop coughing) to doze as I didn’t sleep last night. Then one of the kids came in the bedroom and thought it was sooo funny how I was sitting bolt upright dozing apparently they thought I had died and ran off to find their sibling and then I hear them laughing so I was woken up by them after about 10 mins. I don’t have the energy to yell at them but then does anyone wonder why I am in a grumpy mood?

And if I ask DP to tell them off later and tell him what they did he will probably think it’s a little funny and that adds to him saying I am grumpy and OTT.

Getting annoyed about being sick is a complete waste of time and energy. All it's doing is sapping the energy you need to use to get better. It's going to be harder to sleep and take longer to get better if you're overthinking it all the time. By all means put on the dressing gown of doom and plant yourself on the sofa but don't get annoyed about it.

I think your dh might be right about this one.

There's nothing worse than living with someone who's a misery when they're ill. The whole house is affected by the atmosphere and it's so unpleasant. It would be better if you could try to be more upbeat and manage it better.

OP: There is an amazing cough medicine that actually works and stops you coughing

it’s Covonia Nighttime, it completely stops you coughing for about 6 hours and means you can get some sleep

it saves my sanity when I get a virus/covid and cannot stop coughing

90% of cough medicine is just sugar water but this stuff really does the job

(it’s over the counter)

I got some of that covonia nighttime to try later. I’m on antibiotics and steroids now.

tbh I don’t have any energy to complain very much I have been asleep on and off with a fever the last 24 hours. DP told me I look grey and to go back to bed

Look after yourself and plenty of rest

I would be very concerned that you might be moving into pneumonia territory.

Several people I know have it at the moment and the coughing was horrendous, they couldn't speak.

Forget about your husband and engaging with him at all.
Let him crack on with the children.

You are ill and need bed.
Do not move from it.

Pneumonia can creep up upon you.

I'm guessing that because he has a stiff upper lip attitude towards illness, to the point of avoiding help until he is hospitalised, he expects you to be the same.
It doesn't sound like you are complaining all the time just when he asks you how you are, have I got that right? And then when he does ask you I get the impression that he's only asking because he knows you'll complain and then he can say I told you so.

I don't think it's fair that you are not allowed to express how you feel when you are ill. In your position I would probably just want someone to listen while I had a rant. It sounds like you are genuinely ill, especially if you have had a high temperature. And possibly keep getting ill because you have not recovered properly from the last illness and have been pressured to carry on as normal. Has he taken over most of the work at home to allow you to rest?

I agree with pp who said that he is annoyed that his appliance has stopped working. Men like him feel they are entitled to be looked after and don't think it's down to them to look after others. He obviously can't deal with you being ill or having emotions. It's clever the way that he has twisted things so that you believe you are in the wrong.
I hope you get well soon but not for your husband's sake

I have been examined at the doctors and that’s when they gave me antibiotics yesterday. Before I just had steroids. Cough wise I am tight chested and wheezy but any coughing absolutely makes my sinuses agony (as as lying down making me cough and feel sick from the pain in my head) so it’s possible I have infections in both. My sinus is feeling a bit better after some of antibiotics and I’m sleeping for longer blocks of time. I am so drowsy and am having like 30-60 mins awake before falling asleep again.

DP got up with youngest DC in the night who had a tummy ache and he sorted food and house and everything he’s fine he is very practical but we just haven’t really talked. He told me he was shocked I looked so awful when he got home yesterday but I’ve made a big point of not wanting to complain about anything so saying nothing about how I am feeling and just taking myself off to bed. I’m not making a bad atmosphere, I’m not complaining, I’m just keeping myself to myself so if I am making anyone feel uncomfortable it is not intentional. I had a nosebleed last night and he helped me but I didn’t complain I just asked for tissues.

I am up before everyone else giving my sinus a break from lying down and coughing up some of my stuck chesty cough. And praying norovirus isn’t paying our house a visit now!

God love you, that sounds utterly miserable.

Do as you are doing.
Rest and say nothing.
But you must rest and conserve your energy.

oh come on

I’m feeling a lot better now I’ve had antibiotics and more steroids. No more high temps and I’ve managed to become more functional.

I did get upset with DP, I said I did appreciate his help, I just felt like he was making out like I am some kind of tetchy monster when tbh he has far less patience than I do and is way more prone to being snappy and tetchy than me! I keep myself to myself it’s him who makes out like I am ‘the one who cannot be disturbed’ and he is creating a vibe around me on my behalf which isn’t true I am not just lying or walking around the house groaning and clutching myself and discussing my condition every 2 mins.

He said he was shocked when he looked at me Friday I looked dreadful so he knew I was genuinely unwell and he didn’t mean to make me feel like that but I am negative. this is when I got annoyed, I said it’s very hard to be in what he deems to be a ‘positive mindset’ when fighting off an infection, I knew it would only take a couple of days for the right meds to work and I would feel better so I just slept - so politely sod off DP

Glad to read you are feeling better.

He's just another not very nice man when the white appliance breaks and he feels inconvenienced.
It says so much about a man how he behaves when you are ill.
You have every right to be very disappointed in him.

Mind yourself OP and protect yourself.
Living with someone like that isn't great for your health, mental or otherwise.

Well done for spelling it out to him.