I'm worried about my friend and her bf

[ff26]

I know it's none of my business. I know.

But I'm really worried and she has asked my advice.

My dfriend has had a boyfriend for a few years. No children together but both have from other relationships.

He didn't have his own house and moved in with her. She pays all bills- he doesn't contribute to the house. He buys some shopping every now and then. She's happy with this arrangement as she says it means he doesn't have a claim on her house.

He has a "normal" job, earns much less compared to her. Friend has "big" job, which affords all of them a very nice lifestyle, lovely home, nice holidays, she even bought bf a car as he had a very old one.

She does essentially support him financially, which is her choice.

He seems a nice guy when I've met him.

However. Since my friend has been with him, she has been through several jobs. Keeps getting made "redundant" or basically told to leave of her own accord before she is let go.

As I said she has "big" jobs, high up in the industry she works in. She never had an issue with being "let go" before boyfriend. The jobs she has always involve some level of working away a few days a week, some work trips that may last a week or two. That kind of thing.

I'm concerned because she's disclosed to me again that bf is giving her a hard time about her new job, about her having to be away for several days a week and he can't cope without her, it's affecting his MH etc.

She seems to have forgotten that every job she's had since she's met him, he's done the same.

The last job she lost, he didn't like her being away and made her feel guilty- she ended up stopping going into the office and working from home all the time because of this.

He wants to FaceTime and call her or text constantly, and he gets mad when she can't respond as she's in meetings.

She's explained to him the requirements of her work and that her job affords then all a nice lifestyle, and that she is providing for them. She can't take a lesser job and be home with him all the time.

I'm worried she will lose another job, as he's doing this already and she's only been in the new one a few months.

She gets very depressed when she's lost the previous jobs.

What can I do to help or advise her? Thank you

This is very difficult but it’s not obvious how you can help your friend. A genuinely nice. man would not behave like he does. He sounds like a blight on her life so I’d say she’s clearly better off without him but she needs to work that out for herself.

She would be wise to get a cohab agreement in place.

This sounds like one of those situations that for anyone on the outside looking in, there are more red flags than a communist party rally and it’s obvious he’s a wrongun. But sometimes the person involved is so manipulated that they are in complete denial and sadly that sounds like your friend in this case.

Shes found herself a narcissistic cocklodging man baby - literally the worst sort of partner out there. But unfortunately other than being there for her when it inevitably goes wrong, there’s very little you can do because it sounds like she’s completely under his spell. Sk even if you told her what you think, she won’t hear it

I think he's a cocklodger, although I've never said that to her. At the same time on face value when I've been around him he seems like a nice guy.

When she's told me about this latest, I've just told her "oh that's unfair, he shouldn't do that and put more pressure on you with your new job"

And I just reminded her that he's done this for her last 3 jobs, she seemed to have forgotten or maybe chooses not to remember.

I don't know what else I can do but I don't want to see her lose another job again.

He may seem like a nice guy at surface level (that’s easy) but he isn’t a nice guy because this is not how properly nice, decent guys behave. He sounds awful. It’s sad that your friend is so keen to be in a relationship that she’s willing to put up with such a useless partner.

He knows how good he has it and wants to keep it that way by isolating her and controlling her, it won't be long before be tries to chip away at the bond between the two of you as well for manipulation and higher degree of control.

He's not a nice guy at all, he's very conniving. Hate to read this kind of thread's, he's a chancer and is subtly changing who she is.

She will deeply egret that she's wasted years upon years on him in the end.

Controlling manipulative narcissistic cunts always seem like nice guys to outsiders - that’s their MO.

All you can do right now is keep on doing what you’re doing and hope that she realises who he is before it’s too late.

It’s so hard I had a friend in a controlling relationship and despite everything he put her through, every time she ended it, he drew her back in. They didn’t live together thankfully but it was hard to see such a fantastic woman shrinking before our eyes as he got more and more controlling
Thankfully she finally pulled away and ended it for hood but he still tried fur over a year to manipulate and hoover her back in.

And btw: it is your business if a friend is in an unhealthy relationship. There’s probably not much you can do about it but it’s natural to care and worry.

Thankfully they are old enough that bringing any children into the equation isn't possible.

He had nothing before he met her, and now has a really good life. He lived with his mum and Dad.

She's just bought him a brand new car, and took him on an expensive holiday for his birthday which she paid for.

They were doing a UK holiday last year, and she asked him to pay for his half and his children and he didn't even do that. Gave her a couple hundred quid then forgot, she never brings it up though.

They are supposed to be getting married. I don't think she would break the engagement as she would feel embarrassed.

He's not a total tosser, he does have a job (just not a high paying one like her), and I know he does help out with things around the house, sometimes collects her children (teens) if she is away, helps with homework and things like that.

I think she likes his company over all and doesn't want to be alone again.

But I feel like he's sabotaging her jobs, and I think she knows this too but doesn't want to fully accept it.

She said at the moment she's told him nothing will change and her job is her job, she wants to be in the office and be hands on in the role especially while she is new and getting to know everyone.

I've just got no doubt that he will continue the pressure as he has done before, and she will end up working from home and slacking off to appease him.

He sounds like an insecure man-child.

He's worried about her working away or spending time in the office in case she meets someone else. I'd put money on that being the reason for the face times and texts etc

Id also bet the reason he's like this is that he knows himself she could do better.

He's trying to control and manipulate her to make him more comfortable and secure.

I'd be shocked if trying to control her work life is the only issue in their relationship. It's more likely the tip of the iceberg!!

If he gets insecure about her spending a working day in the office what's he like if she goes on a night out without him? Or is she not allowed?

Unfortunately all you can do is continue being a good friend to her, Op.

It's not nice when you see someone you love either being taken advantage of or making the same mistake over and over again.

He’s got to seem like a nice guy. No woman is going to let a man move in when he’s saying “ hey bitch I want to live in your house for free, you’ll do everything I say, and I don’t want you going away with your job. Now book that holiday and buy me that car” By appearing “nice” your friend doubts herself when she’s thinking about the red flag behaviour.
You could try suggesting she tells him to move out for a break and hopefully she’ll see her if is better without him.
Ir take her out for coffee and present her with a list of his behaviour. She probably acknowledges individually but the whole lot out together might shock her into binning him.

Another woman so desperate for a man she'll let him sponge off her and boss her about, controlling her and trying to stop her having an interesting working life. Hasn't she thought of living separately and meeting him for dates once a week. All you can do is be there for her even if he tries to isolate her from you. And just hope she doesn't marry him, as then he will be able to claim her house and pension.

Well if she's going to marry him he'll then get a claim on her house, her pension etc, so she ought to be wary of that at the very least.

She really should not marry this guy if she is bringing in all the wealth and assets. Starting position is 50:50 of everything.

even with a pre-nup, not advisable.

He moved in by stealth after a short time, a couple of months if that. He was there all the time anyway so she was just like "well I guess he lives with me now"

She's divided her will equally between him and her children already. She says a solicitor has advised her re the house and marriage and that she can have some sort of agreement drawn up. I didn't think pre nups were valid but she seems to think they are

So she’s giving away half of her kids inheritance to this controlling cocklodger? He’s really got her under his spell hasn’t he?

I just hope she cones to her senses very very soon before it’s too late

@TwistedWonder yes.

She says it's because she loves him and wants to look after him, and that it would be unlikely she'd find someone who earns to her level.

Another poster said:

"He knows how good he has it and wants to keep it that way by isolating her and controlling her, it won't be long before be tries to chip away at the bond between the two of you as well for manipulation and higher degree of control."

I would tell her this now, that you think at some point he will do this. Then hopefully, when he starts to criticise you it will click in her brain.

Does he work from home - if he is out of the home it wouldn't make any difference to him whether she is there or not.

And - it sounds like he is controlling but is there any possible valid reason he doesn't like her working away - eg he has to do school runs for her kids and that is difficult with his work?

It's up to her if she is happy to be in a financially unequal relationship - but the control aspect sounds unhealthy. And why marry him?

Hi yes I agree the financial and marriage side is up for her, it was more just for the context of it's her working very hard to support them all (and give him a very good life), yet he doesn't like her working.

The kids are teens and walk to school, he doesn't do school runs. It's just the occasional pick up if she's not there like if they've gone into town with their mates or something.

He doesn't work from home, he's out in the day which I don't understand! But he wants her there in the evening. When she is away she says he wants to speak on the phone or FaceTime all evening.

He gets upset and says he's suicidal if she can't- her job isn't necessarily 9-5, she has to put in as many hours as it takes at her level and she will sometimes be working at home whether that's when she's away or the days she's at home, which he doesn't like.

Oh poor little lamb, of course he's suicidal if she doesn't do what he wants her to. Point out to her this is what abusers do, it's a common tactic.

They’re persuasive but not binding. It’s still safer to not marry. Particularly if he can’t meet his needs, even if she tries to ring fence her assets, he would get something in the divorce. Property law is more clear cut, but she would still be safer getting a cohab agreement if she doesn’t want him to have a claim on the house.

Well she's going to find it a lot easier in future to find someone who earns at her level. The number of jobs she's had in a short space of time will become a red flag to new employers. Then the senior jobs will start to dry up and her earning power will be compromised.

If she really thinks he's suicidal at the prospect of being alone in the evening, then why isn't she using her cash to prioritise urgent mental health treatment for him? Mentally stable people don't threaten to hurt themselves because their partner is away for work. That's the question I'd be asking her.

@SalsaLights I don't think she genuinely believes he's suicidal, she knows it's a tactic but hasn't said that outright.

And yes I know the jobs will dry up, this is what I'm worried about. She was in a very bad place last time and it was hard to get this job.