I'm worried about my friend and her bf

[ff26]

I know it's none of my business. I know.

But I'm really worried and she has asked my advice.

My dfriend has had a boyfriend for a few years. No children together but both have from other relationships.

He didn't have his own house and moved in with her. She pays all bills- he doesn't contribute to the house. He buys some shopping every now and then. She's happy with this arrangement as she says it means he doesn't have a claim on her house.

He has a "normal" job, earns much less compared to her. Friend has "big" job, which affords all of them a very nice lifestyle, lovely home, nice holidays, she even bought bf a car as he had a very old one.

She does essentially support him financially, which is her choice.

He seems a nice guy when I've met him.

However. Since my friend has been with him, she has been through several jobs. Keeps getting made "redundant" or basically told to leave of her own accord before she is let go.

As I said she has "big" jobs, high up in the industry she works in. She never had an issue with being "let go" before boyfriend. The jobs she has always involve some level of working away a few days a week, some work trips that may last a week or two. That kind of thing.

I'm concerned because she's disclosed to me again that bf is giving her a hard time about her new job, about her having to be away for several days a week and he can't cope without her, it's affecting his MH etc.

She seems to have forgotten that every job she's had since she's met him, he's done the same.

The last job she lost, he didn't like her being away and made her feel guilty- she ended up stopping going into the office and working from home all the time because of this.

He wants to FaceTime and call her or text constantly, and he gets mad when she can't respond as she's in meetings.

She's explained to him the requirements of her work and that her job affords then all a nice lifestyle, and that she is providing for them. She can't take a lesser job and be home with him all the time.

I'm worried she will lose another job, as he's doing this already and she's only been in the new one a few months.

She gets very depressed when she's lost the previous jobs.

What can I do to help or advise her? Thank you

I think you need to be really honest with her. Otherwise she is going to end up really in the shit - and if she does then you'll feel guilty for not saying anything.

If she chooses to ignore what you say, then at least if you know that you've tried and she's gone ahead regardless of someone trying to warn her.

I meant to say this before, but she's previously cut off a friend (not a friend of mine) for raising concerns of another nature about her bf. She said this friend was jealous and trying to "shit on her parade".

That doesn't make her sound like the nicest person but she genuinely is, I've known her a long time. That's why I guess I was asking for advice on what to say if she asks my advice again, without calling out with her.

Or do I just be blunt and if I lose the friendship I lose the friendship?

I would find it really hard to sit by and watch this happen, so if I wanted to keep the friendship I'd need to weigh up whether it was worth it. That would really depend on what kind of friend she is to you. Is she someone you would really seriously miss if she were no longer in your life?

Does she complain about her work situation, and that it's difficult to get another job. Or that he doesn't do much around the house, or the fact that she pays for everything? If she does, then I would find it really hard to sit and have the same conversations over and over, when she refuses to hear the hard truth about the cause of all of these problems.

It is going to end badly, she will not listen to you. All you can do is decide what level of support to offer =(

Update as I'm still worried about my friend. I'm even thinking I need to take a little step back from the friendship.

The bf has conveniently lost his job, so she will be supporting him. From what she's said he's not got an urgency about him to find something else- I'm sure he would if he had to support himself and pay his own bills.

But what's upset me is sometimes I feel like my friend is turning into a bit of a different person since being with him? Like I said she's always been so kind, caring, very level headed.

She was talking about the fact that he still has to give "her" (it was the way she said it) child maintenance even though he's lost his job, referring to his ex. Like it was completely unfair on him to have to do this.

My friend was a single mother herself for a long time, I can't understand her being so frosty about it like this. It's not his ex or his children's fault that he's lost his job- they still need supporting. What he pays isn't much anyway, I don't know his ex but from what I gather she has a full time decent job, and has the children 6 out of 7 days.

It's made me feel a bit differently about her, this attitude. I'm worried about her but I almost feel like I need to leave her and the bf to it at the moment as the whole thing is making me so uneasy. I'd of course be here if she needed me.

Well this guy is just a bottomless pit. It seems like your friend has got into it gradually thinking if she’s generous and gives him all he needs he’ll blossom … somehow this never works. What was given is now expected and he wants more. She’s resenting the ex because sees her as a drain on resources and she’s poured in everything she has.

Sorry I don’t have any advice about what you can do. Obviously she should toss the piece of shit out on his ear. What do you think she sees in him?

I'm not 100% sure what she sees in him. He is a little younger, fairly fit and decent looking I suppose. I think really she just doesn't want to be alone.

The drain on resources thing makes perfect sense, thank you. I just couldn't believe it, like I say we've both been single parents with exes that have been shit at times and she would not have been making excuses for a man not to pay for his child before meeting him.

I think she's almost convinced herself in her head that he's a great catch, she says he's such an amazing Dad but he had his kids one night a week, it's not much. He can't support himself or doesn't, I do wonder when he was working where his money actually goes if he has no bills to pay, she pays for his car and he just buys a bit of shopping.

It sounds like she prioritises him over her own children and will dump her friends if they ask questions, so taking a step back sounds like the wisest thing to do at this point. You can't rescue people who are in a bad place, they have to want to leave, and she doesn't.

I was thinking more about this today, I suppose because the thought of maybe my friend changing or not being the same anymore hurts at this time of year.

But I remembered around a year or so ago he started to tell her she dresses too provocatively. This was because she sometimes wears gym leggings (normal) and he would say they are tight and people can see everything. He also said she she shouldn't wear heels to her job as she will attract men.

She's also mentioned after a "long week" that she needs to come home and have sex with him even though she's tired and doesn't really want to, she doesn't want him moaning at her.