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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you leave?

38 replies

Looksgreatfromoutside · 04/12/2024 19:23

Would you leave if all the following were true:
Husband gets drunk at least once a week or twice and then spends the next day in bed and doesnt reappear until nighttime. You paid all household bills including rent, food, clothes and holidays as you earn twice as much and he is paying off debt, and contributes maybe the odd pair of shoes for kids. You have debt due to him asking you to take out loans on his behalf and not paying you back but saying he paid for stuff in the first year now he is broke its your turn (15 Years later). If you want to go out anywhere he causes a massive argument but then backs down and apologises after he has made you cry. He calls you fat all the time, but then says he didnt mean it. He accuses you of cheating and says you are an evil witch and worse. He says his mental health is bad. You feel like a single parent as he rarely takes the kids anywhere as is usually hung over on the weekend. But your kids adore him, dont see anything wrong happening and both your kids are SEN and having him in the house does help a lot as you have no other help. You have a lovely house and good job and it looks great from the outside. At all other times hes lovely.

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 04/12/2024 19:26

Yes. Without question.

Sassybooklover · 04/12/2024 19:29

Life is way too short to put up with a relationship like this.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/12/2024 19:31

The name calling alone would do it for me.

EmeraldDreams73 · 04/12/2024 19:31

Hell yes. Get away.

NCfor24 · 04/12/2024 19:33

Leave.
I'd leave for the drinking alone.

yeesh · 04/12/2024 19:34

Yes, any of those things would be enough tbh

rockingbird · 04/12/2024 19:35

Walk away, or kick him out. Life is far too short for that heap of shit. 5 years from now you could be living a completely different life minus that man.. manifest it!

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/12/2024 19:37

100% yes. Get rid of this abusive shit op. Life’s too short.

newyearsresolurion · 04/12/2024 19:39

Definitely

bluebalou · 04/12/2024 19:41

Oh most definitely I would, he's just a burden , you'd find your so much better in many ways alone , than with someone like that.

Dollybantree · 04/12/2024 19:42

He sounds utterly shit. Having a live-in babysitter isn't a good enough reason to stay - the dc's will be grown before you know it.

Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 19:43

He sounds delightful. Controlling, abusive and manipulative. 🚩🚩🚩

Absolutely 100% leave and never look back

Lovelynames123 · 04/12/2024 19:45

100% yes

TequilaNights · 04/12/2024 19:45

Yes, leave and regain your happiness

Thatcastlethere · 04/12/2024 19:46

Yes I'd leave. It might be a bit harder in the short term but in the longer term you'd be so much better off. If you stay you'll get so beaten down, you'll be bitter and your self esteem will be so low. Don't waste years of your life on this man. Sounds like you have a decent job. Just leave him. Future you will thank you.

kittybiscuits · 04/12/2024 19:46

I would RUN!

geoger · 04/12/2024 19:51

100% leave
Things will only get much worse

Duckingella · 04/12/2024 19:52

So he's a gaslighting,emotionally,verbally and financially abusive heavy alcohol user who treats you an emotional punching bag and a walking talking cash point.

Get yourself an au pair you'll have an extra set of hands at home.

Mumtoadarling · 04/12/2024 19:53

Looksgreatfromoutside · 04/12/2024 19:23

Would you leave if all the following were true:
Husband gets drunk at least once a week or twice and then spends the next day in bed and doesnt reappear until nighttime. You paid all household bills including rent, food, clothes and holidays as you earn twice as much and he is paying off debt, and contributes maybe the odd pair of shoes for kids. You have debt due to him asking you to take out loans on his behalf and not paying you back but saying he paid for stuff in the first year now he is broke its your turn (15 Years later). If you want to go out anywhere he causes a massive argument but then backs down and apologises after he has made you cry. He calls you fat all the time, but then says he didnt mean it. He accuses you of cheating and says you are an evil witch and worse. He says his mental health is bad. You feel like a single parent as he rarely takes the kids anywhere as is usually hung over on the weekend. But your kids adore him, dont see anything wrong happening and both your kids are SEN and having him in the house does help a lot as you have no other help. You have a lovely house and good job and it looks great from the outside. At all other times hes lovely.

I’d be gone !
you’re worth more than that x

StrawberryDream24 · 04/12/2024 19:54

I think any one of those would be a deal breaker..... Not that there even needs to be a deal breaker.

martinisforeveryone · 04/12/2024 20:00

@Looksgreatfromoutside simplify it for yourself and write a list of checks and balances.

From what you say here I see

  • you currently have a nice home (paid for by you, so no doubt you can find another nice home
  • the children love their father (as you'd hope. But they don't see everything) _ everything else in your family and personal life

It seems a no brainer from the outside, but only you know how to navigate it all. Compared to many situations I read on MN you are very well placed to make a better life for both yourself and your DCs, who could still maintain a relationship with their father.

Best of luck to you.

Edit
my plus and minus signs didn't translate, but I think it's obvious how it should read

Bananalanacake · 04/12/2024 20:13

Op may be writing on behalf of someone else. Does the man in question work and pays towards anything. Yes, I wouldn't even get together with someone in debt who gets drunk twice a week.

Looksgreatfromoutside · 04/12/2024 20:17

To add to the context all changed over the 15 years. It wasnt allways like this and 70 percent of the time everything is great. But the other 30 percent is as described. Yes he works but contributes nothing due to debt.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/12/2024 23:01

In my opinion - anyone asking the question of "would you leave" is pretty much always guaranteed an influx of "abso-bloody-lutely" answers.

Do not stay in a relationship with him because he offers a little help with the children in the house. That does not make up for all the shit bits you've described.

The children adore him - fair enough, he's their dad. You're not saying they can't see him or spend time with him. You're ending your relationship with him not theirs.

Moonlightstars · 04/12/2024 23:04

Oh lovely I left him years ago. Was bliss.